When explanation won't work...

I was like a little girl, twisting my fingers under the table and swallowing hard at each words...

I went to see my supervisor this Tuesday. Before I go, I was determined to change my field of analysis. But I was wrong. I was so wrong...

My supervisor was angered by something my coursemates told her. I did not know what. The only thing I told my coursemate was, "Please do inform Dr. X that I really need to see her. I want to finish my research as soon as possible. I don't want to wait till something happen. You know what I mean." I was referring to my son's case as I did not know whether he needs surgery or not and if he does, I would have to put everything aside to take care of him. 

So, Dr. X was very angry and blasted at me. "You are a housewife, you know? You have so much of time. You are only taking care of one baby. I've four children..." That went on and on and I turned to put my notebook into the bag. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I did not know why, for once, I could not hold on my tears when she was scolding me. 

The last time that she scolded me in front of my other coursemates, I pursed my lips and swallowed my tears. But this time, my tears flowed freely and they were out of control! When she said, "You are ungrateful.You're wasting my time here and you've never given me any chapters...", I wanted so much to object to that. I wanted to say, "Hey, I sent my chapters to you months ago through email and you replied that you'll check.  And you're never free to meet me. But now you've totally forgotten about it." But I kept my mouth shut. I knew it too well that there was no need to explain. 

Dr.X reminded me of my Dad, a dictator. When he said something, he wanted you to listen and ACCEPT it and keep your mouth shut. There could not be objection or argument. Case was settled. If you object, you're going to make things worse. So, I was a good and obedient girl, who always keep the mouth shut and never answer back. 

Last time, I thought answering back was a taboo because I would get beating from Dad. Now, I think answering back is a waste of time...Dr. X required people to acknowledge her. She wants people to admit she is right and so, explanation is not required. All I have to do is to keep my mouth shut. 

And I think the tears worked very well. She mellowed down after seeing me sobbing and later handed me a tissue paper. Frankly, I did not cry to get her pity. I cried because I had to "sek sei mao" (in Cantonese = admitting to something I've not done). No doubt she was wrong and she did not understand me a bit but one thing she reminded me was: NEVER INDULGE IN SELF-PITY. We are our own stumbling blocks.

And about explanation...When explanation won't work, do leave everything to God. He will be our judge...