My family members have bad temper. It's so bad that when my dad talked, his voice thundered through the house and no one dared to say anything else. "It's in our blood!" was the excuse for hurting others. And now it's in my blood.
I believe everyone will feel angry and when we are angry, we will do sinful things such as inflicting pain whether mentally or physically on someone else, usually the more vulnerable ones. And it is so wrong, I know it. But when anger arise, no amount of water can swallow it.
My cousin brother looked at those abusive years with his dad in a positive way. He is holding a CFO position in a big firm with a very difficult boss. When asked how did he handle and tolerate such boss, his answer was, "My dad trained me so." Trained. I salute him for he can get over the abusive years and convert those hurtful words and physical pain into a training ground for his success.
Today, I had a disagreement with my son over his piano practices. It ended up with me sending him to his quiet chair. But when he was in it, he started to scream. I moved him to the toilet and told him that toilet is the best place for screaming. He started to yank the door and finally, came out of the toilet and shouted at me, "Get out of the house!" I opened the door and pulled him out of the house and tried to close the door but he managed to push in. So, I asked him to go back to the toilet. I didn't know what else I can do. I need to keep calm. I can't let him out. If I do, I would get really mad and do sinful things. I need to pray. I cried. I called my best friend, also my son's ex-teacher. She talked to him and calmed him down.
After the incident, I talked to him but I couldn't feel his repentance. He was very much a belligerent child. What should I do, God? How I do undo the hurt?
How I wish I could start everything afresh, but parenting is different from drawing. When I don't like my drawing, I can just throw it away and start with a new piece of blank paper. In parenting, we have to start from where we failed. Though the water is murky and ugly and we are just too exhausted to try out, we have to continue the journey because parenting is a lifetime business.
"Lord, my God, six years have gone and many wrongs done could not be undone. It's too late to regret but he's six now. He's not sixteen. I still have time. Please help us. Jesus, please hear my plea."
Sometimes, I wish my husband would understand my exhaustion. The exhaustion is inextricable and unexplainable. The moment I wake up, things await me to do. Taking care of a baby and a kid is not like completing a paperwork where you can see the COMPLETION of it. Baby needs attention and from the moment she awakes, she needs to be hugged, read to, carried, sung to, and played with. And to top this up, one has to overlook and guide the homework of an ungrateful child.
"Lord Jesus, I could only rely on You for strength and guidance. Amen."
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