I'm not a good mother

How often do you think you're not a good mom? 

I often feel that. 

Today I felt it's so true - I am not a good mom. 

It's Christmas and as usual, kids got a lot of junk food including lollies and chocolates. I asked my son to put all the food into a large plastic bag. 

Later in the day, I picked out the junk food, which was to be given to the security guards of our condominium. When I was almost done, my baby wanted to eat something and prompted me to go to the fridge and there, I found a small hill of lollies, chocolates and junk food. OK, that's the work of my son. He kept whatever he wanted in the fridge and left what he didn't want out there in the big plastic bag. Aha- I caught him. So, I picked out those I "don't" like and put them in the plastic bag. 

When we were going out for dinner with the bag of food for the guards, he suddenly asked, "Mama, did you take the lollies from the fridge?"

I've to say yes. I don't lie. And that's the start of a terrible war. He started to grumble and fuss about how many lollies I've picked out and what's left. It made him even more frustrated because we were out and he couldn't check the fridge, and what's given is given. 

It was until we ordered the food that I lost my temper and pulled his ear. 

"What's so big deal with giving others some lollies? You've so many? And there are more than 4 in the fridge, I'm sure. Isn't that enough?" 

I felt bad after that. When we were back home, he apologised to me, after checking the fridge and found that he actually has 8 lollies! I apologised to him too yet I felt a part of me has turned bad. It's a bad experience. I hate to be a bad mom. I cried but it's the past. 

Temper oh, temper...you're such an evil. 

I cried to The Lord and was comforted. If I had told my son, "Please come to the fridge and let us sort this out. There are too much of junk in it." I'm sure he'll respond happily and we won't have any disagreement after that. But I was so wrong to be bossy. I thought I can give away whatever I like. I should have discussed with my son. He's big enough to understand. After all, he's a mature boy and the teachers that have taught him before never failed to let me know that "Isaac is a mature boy. He can understand many things. He's one that can sit down to discuss a thing and talked to."

Lord, oh Lord, please guide me to be a better mom.

When will we grow to be responsible adults?

Being a parent of two, coupled with long-term sleep deprivation, I have only a common word in my head - EXHAUSTION. Hence, more often than not, I have excuses to many imperfections, mistakes, anger explosions or temper. But today, I've seen a pair of graceful parents of three who didn't give in to exhaustion. 

They were new to me and though we are arranged to be in the same cell group, our paths have never crossed. But today, while having lunch in the canteen, I saw how these parents' little acts may glorify our God. 

The father saw a spill of curry on a table and went to take a cloth to clean it up, discreetly. He can just leave it alone because it was not him who had spilt it. But he chose to differ. It reminded me how I used to love the house of God, keeping it clean whether anyone was in sight of my act. But not anymore. I've grown weary. Not many cared, anyway. 

"PIANG!!" There went the sound of a falling bowl, with spilt food. It's amazing how these parents reacted. No Lamentations, no scolding or whatsoever. The mom got up immediately and went to take a broom and dustpan and had the food swept away. The father winked at his son and asked, "Why?" His son smiled and moved his elbow slightly, probably trying to tell his father that he had accidentally pushed the bowl down with his elbow. Then, he continued to enjoy his chicken drumstick. After the family had left, I could find a spotless table - which again reminded me that loving God also meant loving his house. 

As I turned around, I saw another table - with rice, a messed up baby chair and floor - an opportunity for the rats to be fed at night. Another pair of weary parents? 

I can only comment on the patient parents of three who have revived my first love with Christ and prompt me to do better. Jesus had time for all who came to seek him. Why don't we have time for Him? Doing something for Christ doesn't mean it should be within the sights of others. And what's more, cleaning after our own usage is our responsibility. 

When I went to the library, I saw librarians arranging books in accordance to the categories. I thanked God too for these people who worked tirelessly to maintain the library and what's more, they hadn't had their lunch when we had all enjoyed ours! 

My husband has a friend who likes to say, "We want to live with first world facilities but we have third world mentality." How could we enjoy when we are here to take advantage of others? And what's the use of having better facilities when they'll be gone tomorrow with no concerns or responsibilities in caring for them? 

Making meat floss / chicken floss with a bread maker

My breadmaker has been kept in the dark till my friend told me I can make meat floss / chicken floss with it. 

My curiosity was at its peak. I loved chicken floss when I was a child and making it was out of my mind (I'd been thinking it involved sophiscated procedures). But my friend's recipe sounded sooo easy I wanted to try immediately. 

I went to the market and bought 500g of meat. Boiled it in my soup.   Then took it to the pot and boiled with some water, 1 table spoon of  sugar and 1 tablespoon of soy sauce till the meat soaked up all the liquid. I took it out and put into the breadmaker and had it run on JAM mode - twice - for a completely dry and flossy effect. 

Viola! I've healthy, no preservatives, no colouring, no flavoring meat floss at home! 

Note: errr.... It could be tasteless for adults but it's fine for kids. 󾌩

Ego or relationship?

Recently my friend told me of an incident that she had the rights to deny the demands of her neighbor, but to preserve the friendship, she has chosen to obliged with what was asked. 

"If I win in the argument but have hurt the feelings of the others, I will have lost a friend. I choose friendship than winning," she said. 

Here's a very good pic I found that explains it all:

I have lost!

I have lost the battle. It's such a bitter pill that I cried and cried. I cried so hard that I felt I was insane. My son kept telling me, "Don't cry. Don't cry." But I just told him, "You cried too when you lost in your chess game. I need to cry to make myself better." 

"There's something in the heart that feels not right," I told my son, and continued crying. My son, sat beside me and said, "God asks us to forgive." It struck me that it's not only about winning or losing but also about forgiving. It's about forgiving others who have misjudged us. It's about forgiving others who have dealt with us unfairly. 

When I have calmed down, I told my son, when I was young I dared not join any competition. I was afraid of losing. The biggest challenge was not the competition itself but the ability to handle lost. I backed off. I thought that by not joining, I was saved from any embarrassment. But I was so wrong. I have actually lost many opportunities to learn and grow emotionally. 

So, I explained, "I wish you can join more competitions and be sporting. Even if you've lost, say it's ok to yourself and train yourself to better equipped the next time and try again. Try till you're able to triumph through the challenges. Do not be afraid of losing or you'll lose a lot of fun." 

I hope after today, both of us will grow emotionally and spiritually in dealing with losing. 

Nothing can make me feel better if I am not willing to let go of the grudges. 

It's all in the heart. 

What matter most in life?

Recently I was upset with many "unfortunate" events that have happened in my life. I wish life could be smoother, people could be kinder, family members could be more understanding, blah blah...but no one is perfect. 

And just this afternoon, one of my submitted assignments was rejected. I was so angry at the decision maker. At first, I was angry and started to send complaints to the respective departments. Next, I was crying and then on my knees, praying for guidance. My son came to me and gave me consolation, followed by my baby who parroted her brother, "Don't cry la, mama." 

I replied, "I wish I will win in this battle but sometimes what we think is right may not be right. We need God to show us whether it's really right or wrong. Only God is righteous and only He can be our avenger and judge. So let it be. Let God judge my case." So, I should put the case to rest temporarily till I get replies from all the departments. 

While I was cooking, I was fuming with rage again, thinking how unfairly I was treated. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. After I had done with my chores, I sent a reply to the decision maker and questioned her on her decision. Well, it's after office hour and I've to wait till tomorrow to get an answer.

Before my shower, something strike me to think...deeply. Does this all matter? What if I win? And what if I lose? Everything fades away when one leaves the earth. We can't bring anything with us. So, why battle? A moment of triumph lasts just for that moment and life goes on whether one wins or loses. For all the anger I have had, it only brings harm to myself. 

What matter most? That's what we need to hold on to...not anger, not the temporarily triumph, not fame or wealth, but something eternal, something that lasts a life time and further...

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Have "felt" cooking with felt stuffed toys

Thanks to my uncle who bought Hannah new cooking toys. She likes it so much. While I was playing with her, I noticed that there weren't much to cook. Ermmm...only sweet corn and sausages are available. Maybe I should make some extra ones. 

So, I did! I can't wait to start and I've done three carrots for her. Why carrots? They're her favorite and that's the only resources I have, orange and green felt. There should be more, if I have the time and resources. Till, then - 

Have fun cooking now! 

Bed bugs again!!

I refused to believe when I had bites again though they were as itchy as my previous experience with bed bugs. "They looked different. It couldn't be bed bugs," I assured myself. 

So...the bugs returned for another hearty blood meal on the whole of my right leg to prove their existence. Now, this time I am really sure it is from the bed bugs. The bite marks are in a line and it's so itchy i was awaken by it at 2.30am!! And can't fall asleep thereafter because my greatest fear has come back to haunt me. What can I do?

I have to admit, my husband and I are passive people. We only move when we need to. Quick actions are not always imperative unless it's emergency. And I hate to say I hate my husband who is a couch potato! Nothing seem to move him unless he needs to.

The last time, I made the decision to call in the pest control. But it didn't work. We were cheated. The pest control company assured us that one-time pesticides can kill all bed bugs. It was merely a month after the treatment and the bed bugs are back! I regretted calling the pest control and had to throw away our expensive mattress. 

Though I didn't see any bugs after the treatment, I couldn't be at ease. So, I took in the advice from a friend, who is also fighting against bed bugs, to purchase diatomaceous earth (DE) powder. A 1kg purchase is recommended by the supplier to battle against bed bugs. We made a quick purchase but didn't do anything until my leg was bitten! 

It was up to this week, after much pushing AND after feeling like I want to kill myself, my husband was willing to work with me to patch up the holes along the box spring and put on the mattress encasement. We pulled the bed away from the walls and let it stayed isolated in the room. We put containers (with DE powder) under the legs of the bed to trap bed bugs if there's any which climb up or down the bed. 

It's exhausting...and I feel like I'm losing though the battle has just started.

Oh, how I prayed we can be freed from bed bugs when I open my eyes the next morning but how could it be? God will help us. But we need to do something too. 

Fried dory fillet

My mom was a housewife. She was a great cook. She would wake up very early in the morning to prepare delicious breakfast for us and meals like donuts, onde-onde, etc for tea and sumptuous meals for dinner. But since dad fell sick from liver cancer and lost his appetite, mom stopped cooking nice food. In fact, she gave up cooking after dad passed away. All her life, being a housewife, she cared only to cook good food for her husband and children. But when her husband is dead and her children all married and live somewhere else, she lost her interest in cooking too. That's the end of being a housewife to being an individual who lives alone now...

I enjoy cooking too and it makes me happy when my hubby and kids love the meals I cooked. But one day, I shall cook because I love it and not because of anyone. Thence, I can be happy whether or not, I'm still a housewife. 

Pic: Dinner is ready!

Meal - mixed vege, mashed potato with cheese, and fried dory fillet 

How to cook hard boiled egg which is gooey inside

I wondered why my children do not like to eat the egg yolk. My mom said it's because the yolk is dry and could get stuck in the throat, and that's what made the kids avoid it. When we were chatting some Sundays ago, my best buddy told me that cooking egg also need skills. 

???

So, here's how to cook a hard boiled egg with gooey yolk! 😍

1) Bring a pot of water to boil

2) Put in a handful of salt (salt is to stop the egg from flowing out in case of any breakage. But you gotta be careful because salt can cause the boiling water to "erupt" like the volcano and spurt on you. Cautious not to get scalded) 

3) Gently put the egg into the pot, with a scoop or spaghetti claw.

4) Set the timer for 7 minutes

5) Bring the egg out and let it take a cool bath under running water or just let it soak in a bowl of cold water

*This pic of mine is taken after 8 minutes of cooking. I wanted the yolk to be a little solid cos I don't want my baby to eat with extremely gooey yolk that flows down her hands and arms. Too messy for me to clean up 😰😰

But for adults, 7 minutes gooey yolk is the best! 

Yummy yummy!

Sambal petai with prawn

It's been a long long time since my last post on yummy-licious food. 

I've stopped pursuing my cooking skills in exchange with my Master degree. And now that I've graduated, I should go back to my cooking and baking mode, or so I believe, since that's what most housewife does. 

I've longed to eat home-cooked nasi lemak which I've a very fond memory of because my mom used to cook that for us. 

The best part is - sambal petai with prawn paired with fragrantly cooked nasi lemak. It's simply irresistible! 

Recipe : 

1 onion (chopped)

100g petai (halved)

16 medium size prawns (shells removed)

4 tablespoons of sambal sauce 

3 tspn of sugar 

1 tbspn of water 

1) Stir fry onion till fragrant or turn translucent

2) Add in petai and fry till they turn darker in green 

3) Add in prawn and fry till almost cooked 

4) Add in water and bring it to boil 

5) Add in sambal sauce and sugar

6) Stir till well combined

7) Dish up 

Bon appetit!

Egg pudding or steamed egg

When I looked back at my previous recipes, I just couldn't believe myself. I've to apologize, my previous steamed egg was so far from perfect. After all these years, I definitely have improved in my cooking skill and this is the ultimate result for egg pudding or steamed egg - one which is smooth on the surface, soft in texture and without the sign of bubbles on top of it. 

Below is the recipe I found some weeks ago by Amy Beh, our local famous chef. 

I didn't bother to sieve the mixture after they were whisked. I believe the result would be better if I did as the pudding will have a fairer and smoother texture, without the yellowish substance. Nevertheless, I mine is good enough to look at and delicious to taste!

Enjoy! 

Recipe:

3 eggs 

200ml of fresh milk

50ml of water 

1) Beat the eggs 

2) Add in milk and water

3) Sieve the mixture 

4) Put to steam over high heat for 15 minutes 

*It's important to check on the heat. I opened the cover slightly to allow some heat to escape. Over-heated egg pudding will look crumbled up. 

Being myself

I've watched videos on making Oreo cheesecake for more than 20 times in Youtube and frankly, I'm obsessed with the videos. I can't help clicking on new videos to watch because I think the more videos I watch, the better cake I'll make. 

First thing first, I made a trip to bakery supplies shop with the recipe in hand. And that trip cost me more than RM100! I felt like a super stupid lady because I was "conned" to buy so many other unrelated things when I knew so well what I wanted!!! 😢

Today, after much hesitation, I started to make the cake. After I've completed, I felt like a loser again, with two sinks full of dishes to wash. I wondered whether other bakers have to wash as much. It's exhausting and I felt guilty as I've neglected my darlings when I was so engrossed in doing what I wanted to do. 

While I was washing, I made a conclusion - probably I should not try to do something what others do best but do something I know best. While I always wanted to be a super-mom - being able to teach, bake, cook, clean, sew and more, I should just do what I can i.e. sing, dance and read to my children, and not forgetting the skill of writing bestowed to me by God. 

It's self-fulfillment to be able to make a cake for my children's birthday, but it's even better if I could spend more valuable time with them. I believe it's not harmful to buy a cake for them, isn't it? Leave it to the professionals for the best result since God created us with different skills and if I can't be a baker, I can still be others. Cheers! 😉

Happiness is...

Recently, my baby girl likes to hold a book and walk around with it. I think it's because it has bright colours which attracted her attention. And when she sits down, she'll say, "Shit here, shit here." 😂 OK ok, that's disgusting. She actually meant "sit here, sit here" but her tongue just couldn't pronounce it properly. 

"Read cheese (this)," she'll say once I sit beside her. 

And this book, as simple as it could be, reminded me a lesson I learnt long ago yet have forgotten about it -most of the time. It's the lesson of being grateful. 

When I was reading to her, especially with the help of the illustrations, the book touched me deeply. Yes, yes, I told myself, happiness could be as simple as these but I've forgotten about it. So, here you are, a few doses of happiness for the day! 👼

Positive ways against bed bugs!

What is unseen SOUNDS scarier than what could be seen... OK (take a deep breath). I decided I need to be brave. Bed bugs are just as big as apple seeds. So why scare? 

However....Even after having pest control to come and sprayed the whole house with pesticides, the fear of bed bugs prowling INSIDE the cupboard or behind some creaks or corners gave me sleepless nights. 

I've to admit I made a very big mistake, AGAIN and it's a very costly one. Before I called in the pest control, I should have read more thoroughly than being panicked. Now that what is done is done, I've to throw away my mattresses because the smell of the pesticides is unbearable. Even if the smell is gone, I doubt I'll let my baby to sleep on treated mattresses as I read that it's hazardous to let kids sleep on bed with pesticides. You'll never know what will happen to their lungs in the long run, breathing poison while they're sleeping and breathing haze during the day! It's simply choking. 

I hate to think that I was cheated but who doesn't want business? Not many will be honest to decline $$$. 󾍀

Some simple advices to those who have bed bugs so that you don't have to dump everything!:-

1) Don't panic. Call a steam wash company. Bed bugs are afraid of heat or cold. So steaming them up will kill them completely, including their eggs. 

2) Remove all the clothes from the cupboard and have them laundered. Drown them in the washing machine and cook them up with super hot water. 

3) Use mattress encasement. The existing bed bugs will be suffocated and starved in the encasement. 

4) Uncluttered the room to reduce any hiding places for the bed bugs. 

5) Check for gaps, holes, crevices, corners which bed bugs may have a chance to hide there. 

6) Set a trap. A simple one with : one layer of masking tape and then another layer of double side tape. When the bed bugs are out hunting for blood, they'll get stuck on the double side tape before reaching you!

I've to share with you a very sincere cleaning company who's willing to chat up with me and shared his experience though I did not give him any businesses. I think he deserves a thumb up here. If you need home sanitation, you may try to contact: Fibre Care 017-2992343. He may not be able to pick up call on the spot but he'll eventually return your call or reply to your enquiry.

Bed bugs nightmare

I was almost sleepless for the past two weeks. It all started with bites which I thought came from mosquitoes. The itchiness was unbearable. The first morning I woke with three bite marks and took them lightly. Then after a night or two, I was bitten again, on the same arm but slightly closer to the wrist. Each time, it's 3-5 bites. And finally, my whole left arm was covered with bites. I went to Hospital Selayang and visited the doctor. I've to admit I WAS a super stupid patient as I didn't ask what medicine was it before I got injected. Why do I need injection if it's just bites? I was sure it wasn't allergy reaction. But it was too late when I knew it was steroid. The medication was heavy and I slept for almost two days. But the itchiness nor the marks go away. Then it was my baby's turn to get bites and it prompted me to take immediate actions!

I naively thought it was dust mites and called several home sanitisation companies. Thank God, two out of the five that I called were very sincere and explained to me that :

1) dust mites don't bite

2) I've to check for signs of bed bugs 

So I went googling for info on bed bugs and it seemed like the symptoms I had fitted nicely into the puzzle of the whole picture BUT I just refused to believe it. Bed bugs are notorious pest and it's difficult to rid off. I don't want to believe my bed or room has it!! 

Finally when I have cleared my mind, I knew I have to make a decision. I googled for Malaysia's companies which handles bed bugs. Unfortunately, not many accept residential contract. There's one company which spoke confidently about destroying bed bugs with one time flush out pesticides. I took that in without thinking further. Our family has been fearing to enter the room and quick decision had to be made. I agreed and his worker came the next day. 

I left my house for the worker to work. When I got back home, I mopped my whole house and scrubbed the common toilet except the affected room 4 times! It hurt every part of my back yet I couldn't sleep at night, still worrying whether the bed bugs are gone for good. The room was considered a dark room with smelly pesticides, closed up, and eerie. I hate to think that our favourite room has been turned into a "ghostly" room. I've to do something when nobody does. I kept praying to God for strength as God is the creator of all and He knows what could be done. Why should human fear bugs?

I opened the door of the affected room and mopped the floor twice and took down the curtain for soaking. I scrubbed the waxy toilet floor until it feels clean. I've decided that I will not avoid problem but solve it, not with my own strength but God's. 

Below are a few notes on bed bugs:

1) bed bug likes blood and to catch them you may have to wake up one hour before dawn ie around 5.30am.

2) if you note any blood stain marks on the bed, look out for signs of bed bugs 

3) bed bugs hide in seams and you'll find black spots which are their excrement around the seams 

4) bed bugs bite in a line, usually on the face, neck or arm (they live within 1 feet) from our sleeping place because they like warmth. 

5) you may bring bed bugs from high turnover places like hotel, hospital, university dorms, etc. So always check for signs of bed bugs before unpacking your clothes in the hotel. They might hitch a hike from your bag to your house (which was what happened to us)!!!

Soon, I'll be going back to sleep in the room. I told my son, "I've to be a guinea pig to make sure the bugs are gone. I won't let my kids be harmed." According to the articles that I've read, bed bugs are considered gone for good if there's no new bites for three weeks after the treatment. 󾍛󾍛󾍛

Photos for reference

Day 7: Mood swing

ROUND 1: When I was in the church today, pastor had a small talk with me. She said she had wished to call me but it was not so convenient to talk through the phone in the office as there are always people in the office and she didn't want anyone to eavesdrop on our conversation. So, she said she'll look for a suitable day to pay me a visit. But her main point of talking with me was to remind me to be selective when looking for friends to share my family problem. She feared that I share with someone who might spread my family problems to others or have prejudice towards my husband. It made me guilty and I could sense it running through my spine. 

While sitting at the corridor waiting for my son to come out of the toilet, my mind was running while on who was the one friend that pastor tried to hint me not to tell her anything. I didn't know and it's important that I find it out rather than sulking for the whole day. At that moment, I saw pastor walking out of the canteen and I called out to her. She turned back and I asked her. She told me it's better not to tell anyone though best buddies about family problems as they might not be able to provide the best solutions or advices. I should be looking for pastor or counselors for professional advices. Ahem....

ROUND 1: TOTAL KNOCKED OFF

ROUND 2: It was not like me for the rest of the day. I was moody. It's like end of the world. Yes, I did went to Daiso, one of the shops I like the most but it didn't help. I just look through things and after more than 30 minutes, I came out of thr shop buying just a pair of sponges - having plans to wash my own car. Next I bought car wash shampoo and fast wax. I wanted to buy a car vacuum cleaner also but didn't. I shouldn't buy it when my husband was around. So, car wash was enough at the moment. And it was a long queue to get stamps. When I was queuing, I asked the man in front of me, "What's the stamps for actually? It's my first time." He answered that if we get 10 stamps we can get RM5 voucher. OK. so, you'll have to spend RM300 to get 10 at also which only gives you a return of RM5. But still, everyone is lining up for it. RM5 meant so much now...life is hard. We have gotta save save save...it didn't help me to feel better.

ROUND 2: TOTAL KNOCKED OFF

ROUND 3: when we were on the way out of the shopping centre, my baby daughter wanted to try to play the pushchair with a baby inside. I pulled her away because I feared she might spoil it and we have to pay for it. Oh, how I wanted to buy for her. But we need to save. It's tearing me apart. I feel exhausted to move on even another day...

ROUND 3: ............................................

Day 6: Exhaustion

Today errmm.... I think I've lost the battle even without devil being involved. Oh yea, I know I've missed Day 5 journal but my baby was reluctant to sleep early yesterday and I had to play with her till almost midnight and by the time, she was asleep, I was too. 

To begin with, I think we should begin the day with the "daily bread" or words of God. Not being able to read the Bible the first thing in the day plummeted my confidence and faith. First, I should be more tolerant when my baby was crying and refusing to take bath instead of being pissed off. So, what should a mother be? Always kind and caring and gentle. But I was angry, angry, angry which shouldn't be. Prayers were reduced. Temper shot up easily. This is so wrong. 

The only reason for this bad mood was that I hadn't been able to get good sleep for the past few days because my baby had fever and woke so many times in the middle of the night to be breastfed. When I don't get enough of sleep, I'll get mad easily. Devil, of course, knows my weaknesses better than my husband or children. Here, I fell into guilt and pain. The mental torture is so tremendous that I wish I'm dead. 

I always feel like committing suicide when I've hurt my kids or when I feel I'm not a good mother. I also feel stressed when I haven't got the time to mop and clean the floor off the mess. I feel irritated and feel like things are crumbling down on me. I wish my husband would be more understanding and help out looking after the kids rather than watching TV. Everything seems to be so wrong. 

I haven't been able to sleep at 10pm and wake at 6am to read the Bible and pray. This should be done for better days to come. 

Jesus, please help me to...

Day 4: Honesty test

Today I was tempted and ...

Yesterday I read Alice Mathews' "Mary and Martha" and "Eve and Rahab". Her analyses on the four important women in the Bible were so interesting that though I was exhausted, I couldn't stop reading. 

On Mary and Martha, she said that we need to have both characters in our lives. Mary was the one who searched for the truth and seek God while Martha busied serving God and His people. We need to have both. It's the matter of priority. God. Then, work. 

On Eve and Rahab, I learned that decision making can bring favorable outcome or disaster. One made a bad decision and brought birth pain to the descendants of women. Another one made the right decision and got blessings. 

Today, my friend whatspp me and asked whether I would like to join a survey which RM150 will be paid once it's done. I was elated and asked to join. The agent called soon. And she explained to me what to say and what not to say. I was shocked to know that I've to tell lies...plenty of lies. I kept asking, "God, are white lies considered sinful to you?" At one point of time, I asked to stop the conversation so that I can talk to my best buddy and ask her opinion on it. But the lady on the other line was adamant and said, "It's so easy. Why do you find it difficult? You just need to tell them what I've taught you." 

But I was uneasy. One of the biggest lie I've to say is that I'm working when I've not been working for the past 6 years! 

I finally took the courage to say, "I don't think I can tell lies. I'm not comfortable with it. Thank you." We ended the conversation. But later on she whatspp me and asked me to have second thought. I called my friend and talked about it. 

My friend said, "It's just the matter of RM150. If you want it, just do it. Otherwise don't waste time thinking about it. Rahab did lie too.." 

While reasoning to my friend, I understand better on the story I've read. Yes, Rahab lied. But her lie was the proof of her faith in the God that could save her and her family. Her lie was not done for selfish desire but to save the whole Israel nation. 

If I accept the job, I need to lie and it's for the sake of RM150. Is my integrity and principle worth just RM150? Am I glorifying my God? 

God, it's not easy to reject an offer that pays me with just a few lies. I need the money. RM150 meant a whole week of grocery and food for me. Though not lacking, I wouldn't mind having the extra money to keep. But I know I need to put God first before anything else. I am Jesus' ambassador. What I am doing determines what others see in God. 

Bible verse:

1 John 3:7

Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as He is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. 

Day 3: Patience

I'm a caterpillar, caterpillar crawling slowly, 

Patient, patient is my other name,

But one day, I will turn, 

Into a butterfly, 

I can't wait - to fly high, 

But for now, patient, patient, 

Crawling slowly.

This is a song I created for Hannah after she took out my amigurumi caterpillar and played with it. All of a sudden, I related caterpillar with being patient and came up with this song. Praise The Lord. I really do hope this song can become a good Christian song for children to learn about patience.

I woke up in the morning, though exhausted because Hannah hadn't been able to sleep well due to slight fever. Like usual, life is dynamic no matter how exhausted you are. But I took the courage and as planned and prayed, I pulled Isaac to the living hall before we left for his school. I apologised to him for all the wrongs that were done and asked him for his forgiveness and we prayed together. It was a good start.

Throughout the day though unfavorable things happened, I prayed and tried to keep calm. I kept singing the song I made and reminded myself to have more patience. 

Because I was more patient with Isaac, I can see that he was more patient also and though he still answered me with a "No" when asked to do something, he negotiated with his tone. 

When I said, "You still have five more minutes only to bath."

He disagreed with a big NO but seeing my downcast face, he added, "six minutes." 

I smiled and said, "Sure."

I gave him Robo poli car, a toy I've bought a few months ago but have been keeping on the top shelf. I thought by putting it high up and letting him see, it gives a sense of encouragement to improve on his behavior. We had a deal. He needed to have 10 smileys in order to get the toy as a reward. But today I changed my mind - with prayers. 

"Today, I'm going to give you this toy. It's not because you've done any good or deserves it. But because I love you. Love has no conditions. Just like how Jesus loves us. He died for us not because we deserves it but because He loves us." 

I thank God for today, as He has given me strength to love my unlovable child and in him, I can see love again. 

My Bible verse to memorize today: 

1John 2:15

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 

Day 2: Anger control

Sometimes I wish I was a little girl again but with different parents. I wondered whether my life would be different if I have had parents who were understanding, supportive and loving. But the fact is, we can't choose our parents. God chose for us and we have to live with it.

My family members have bad temper. It's so bad that when my dad talked, his voice thundered through the house and no one dared to say anything else. "It's in our blood!" was the excuse for hurting others. And now it's in my blood. 

I believe everyone will feel angry and when we are angry, we will do sinful things such as inflicting pain whether mentally or physically on someone else, usually the more vulnerable ones. And it is so wrong, I know it. But when anger arise, no amount of water can swallow it. 

My cousin brother looked at those abusive years with his dad in a positive way. He is holding a CFO position in a big firm with a very difficult boss. When asked how did he handle and tolerate such boss, his answer was, "My dad trained me so." Trained. I salute him for he can get over the abusive years and convert those hurtful words and physical pain into a training ground for his success. 

Today, I had a disagreement with my son over his piano practices. It ended up with me sending him to his quiet chair. But when he was in it, he started to scream. I moved him to the toilet and told him that toilet is the best place for screaming. He started to yank the door and finally, came out of the toilet and shouted at me, "Get out of the house!" I opened the door and pulled him out of the house and tried to close the door but he managed to push in. So, I asked him to go back to the toilet. I didn't know what else I can do. I need to keep calm. I can't let him out. If I do, I would get really mad and do sinful things. I need to pray. I cried. I called my best friend, also my son's ex-teacher. She talked to him and calmed him down. 

After the incident, I talked to him but I couldn't feel his repentance. He was very much a belligerent child. What should I do, God? How I do undo the hurt? 

How I wish I could start everything afresh, but parenting is different from drawing. When I don't like my drawing, I can just throw it away and start with a new piece of blank paper. In parenting, we have to start from where we failed. Though the water is murky and ugly and we are just too exhausted to try out, we have to continue the journey because parenting is a lifetime business. 

"Lord, my God, six years have gone and many wrongs done could not be undone. It's too late to regret but he's six now. He's not sixteen. I still have time. Please help us. Jesus, please hear my plea." 

Sometimes, I wish my husband would understand my exhaustion. The exhaustion is inextricable and unexplainable. The moment I wake up, things await me to do. Taking care of a baby and a kid is not like completing a paperwork where you can see the COMPLETION of it. Baby needs attention and from the moment she awakes, she needs to be hugged, read to, carried, sung to, and played with. And to top this up, one has to overlook and guide the homework of an ungrateful child. 

"Lord Jesus, I could only rely on You for strength and guidance. Amen." 

Day 1: Spiritual warfare

I woke up feeling exhausted. I wondered how people survive with 6 hours of sleep yet being productive. My mind just couldn't sleep in peace and money was the culprit. We are not lacking anything but it's always at "making ends meet" condition which I don't feel secure. My mind would not stop generating ideas to make money and that's how I got lost in the dreams of getting more money and losing my children and myself! Such clever trick. I felt like I was possessed by the Money Devil. I renounced it in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. How could one serves two masters? I was serving Money all the while subconsciously all this while!

Though I got the chance to read the Bible after so many months of idleness, I felt lousy and down almost the whole day. And Satan is always at the doorstep when I'm lack of sleep. My mom asked me to visit her house because she had bread for my children. I don't like going to her house because she has so many idols, talismans and whatever that is to make her feel "secured". And these things aren't just dead. Devils are lurking behind all these and are awaiting for chances to pounce on us, especially, Christian and me- a weak Christian.

Long story cut short, I was brought up in a Chinese temple with tens of idols. My paternal grandma was a medium. I was once such a proud child because people came from near and far to pay visit and respect to the idols in the house that I lived in. However, fear was there no matter how many times I prayed to these gods or how many talismans I had in my purse. It's just simply scary to even go out to the toilet at night because tens of idols would be staring at me. And what's more, my mom, a devotee got attack from black magic and these so called gods were helpless! She had to find some other medium, who had higher knowledge in the dark art to save her. That's when I no longer felt proud of my gods. There was always a question in my heart: Why can't the god I pray save me? Then who else can? I'm going to believe in that god. That's how I came to accept Christ as my savior because He is omnipotent and in Him, nothing is impossible. 

Fast forward 10 years after accepting Christ, my life isn't a bed of roses. And the Devil is persistent in tempting and hurting me in any way he could think of. First, through my mom. And now, through my son. Today, he lost control and for the first time, he spat at me. I slapped him instantly. I told him how disappointed I was but tried to keep calm, knowing very well that it's in the Devil's plan. My son cried and apologized. I hugged him and told him that he had just lost a battle but it is ok. We must go back to God - always. 

In the afternoon, we argued about the spoilt stickers and I sent him to stand at a corner. He felt so angry and could not stop screaming, punching and kicking the air. It was at its peak when he started to move closer to me and I knew it very well he was going to take advantage of that to beat me. I asked him to go back to his corner and he hurled, "you're bad guy! You're bad!" Satan definitely knows me very well. I don't like to be called bad and I would get really mad. But today, things were different because I put God first. I prayed and asked God for strength and patience to handle my son. And thank God, I would give myself a thumb up for handling it well. I didn't not raise the cane upon him today though he was belligerent! 

But I was sad, I lost my temper when my baby daughter was crying when I was cooking. Why can't I keep cool? I should have kept God's verses in my brain at all time. Alas! Not a moment should we let loose or we'll lose the battle. 

Tomorrow's a new day and I should be doing better, Amen. 

Battling depression

I feel like I'm battling this myself. I'm losing the battle and I cried so often, thoughts of suicide is not something new. I told closed friends and I want people to know I have problems. I want people to pity me and listen to me. Yes, it made me feel better. But the betterness doesn't stay. I'm lost. I'm nowhere. I'm back at the battlefield once I've finished talking. It's useless. 

I thought this is a battle of mine until I broke down and cried and knelt with prayers. It's not mine. In fact, it's never meant to be. It's God's battle. And He's battling for me. He's in the front line and I am at the back, watching the waves coming close but never hit me because He has blocked the danger. 

I've spent endless visits to the doctors for my back bone. I've recovered or so. And now, it's my mental health breaking me apart. I don't know how to do this and that. First and foremost, I didn't come from a supportive family. Encouragement and praises were not my parents' cup of tea. I grew up not knowing how to be happy, what real happiness is and how to be encouraged. I thought getting married and having children will make me happy and so I did it. But I didn't feel happy. In fact, having such low spirit and having children at the same time made me helpless. I am incapable of taking good care of myself and feeling good, let alone handling house works and taking care of the kids. And it's a cycle. The more helpless I am, the more depressed I feel and it goes on and on till I break down and come to God...

I need to go back to God. Yes, I have wanted to talk to professional about my mental state but when I did, I feel it is useless again. I went through therapy. It made me feel better for that one or two weeks and then I was back at the battlefield, feeling exhausted and battered. 

I looked back and realised how much time I have wasted wrestling with my own dreams, regrets and wishes. I have not truly appreciated what God has provided me. I haven't really thank God for the beautiful son He has given me. I've neglected my son in the midst of looking for an extra of few hundreds to save each month. I've wished he would take longer naps in the noon to let me finish my work. I've lamented and complained why he was so clingy and attached. I've done so many things to hurt him, I feel hurt now. And I'm doing the same to my baby daughter now. It's so unfair to both of them, I know. I know it's wrong yet I can't help myself but doing the same thing every day! 

My son wet his bed yesterday and today, it was the first time, after 4 years that we weaned him off diapers that he wet his pants during the Sunday kids' service. And he didn't feel remorse. He said no one notice he peed in his pants. There's something so wrong with that yet he felt "it's ok" to do that. He could have gone through stressful moments, I don't know. Maybe cos I caned him too hard few days ago. I don't know. There's something wrong and I need to purge it out ONCE AND FOR ALL. Let's kill the weeds by uprooting them! In order to help my kids, I need to help myself. I need to be OK first and in order to bring them up to be fine adults. 

And today, I need to stand up again. I'm not strong and that's why I need God to be my shield. I'm not going to lie about my journey in this healing process whether it's my success or failure in overcoming stress. And this will become my daily routine journal to mark my healing process. 

Quilted car organiser

Can't stop wandering from one thing to another! I'm busy with sewing now...My finished project on quilted car organiser. 

My mom asked why spent time and effort on this when we can get it at a fair price at MR DIY.

It stopped me for a moment...but I continued. I felt I'm empowered because I can do more than what I've been doing. 

I feel happy when I can hang this up in my car and my baby busy picking up things from inside the pocket. 

Going to venture more to satisfy my "itchy hands"...

Begin with the end in mind

Death is inevitable. To some, it might be horrible. My daughter and I have been sick for the past few days, 6 days to be exact. We have visited Hospital Selayang emergency ward twice. As I sat there waiting for our turn to register, I saw people coming in unconscious, wounded or sick. Adults or kids alike, people get sick. 

All of a sudden, I thought to myself, what is there to say before one leave? No one know the hour they'll leave. Like my dad, when he stopped vomiting blood, we thought he was going to be ok, but he fell into a deep sleep and was gone...unnoticed! No final words. And what legacy do we leave to our children? 

I remembered Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of highly effective people" where he asked the readers to visualize one's funeral. What would be the impressions of the deceased on those who come to pay their last respect? From there, he advised us to "Begin with the end in mind". 

What would my husband and children say about me on my funeral? What about others? 

Would they say, I am a good wife and a good mother? How much of good deeds have I done? Have I done enough to glorify God's name? Have I done enough to ensure the salvation of my children? Have I really repented? 

There are so much to do to ensure one leaves without regret. So, let us do our best this very moment! If I want to my kids to feel I am a happy mom, I should smile more often. If I want my kids to read more books, I should read more. Keep going...

Bringing up boys

No men are born gay. And even if one insist on being a gay, it can be reversed. Yes, it's this book again by Dr. James Dobson who host Focus on Family. Why are there kids who killed their own parents or ran amok killing his friends in college? For parents who are too busy to read this book, below are some highlighted issues which you may consider when raising your son, a loan from God. Hence, we are very much accountable in raising them in accordance to the truth. 

1) boys need structure, boys need supervision and they need to be civilized. 

2) boys need fatherly figure to emulate especially after the age of 3. 

3) NO ONE IS BORN GAY OR LESBIAN. Dr James dedicated a chapter to explain on the origin of Homosexuality with the support of researches and statistics. Fathers have to do their part to "mirror and affirm his son's maleness". 

4) schools for boys - they just can't sit down unlike girls. Hence, greater patience is needed. 

5) postmodernism - everything in the media is telling our kids what is "good" when it is not. Limit kids access to internet, TV, etc.

6) set the rules and discipline them when they misbehave. Also giving him a measure of self-control and the ability to postpone gratification 

7) Rules without Relationship lead to Rebellion 

8) words can build or break - 5 mins of our communication will determine the rest of it. 

9) Parents have the authority given by God to direct and shape their kids's behavior.

10) Train boys to be respectful and responsible 

It's my fault

I am not a good mom, I thought. This has been in my mind since the birth of my son. 

I tried to be a good mom by using cloth nappies for my son because I was afraid he would get rashes from wearing diapers for long hours and to avoid any possibilities of getting testicle cancer. That's how paranoid I was. 

I mopped the floor everyday so that he won't have to crawl on dusty floor. 

I boiled soup everyday so that he would drink more and reduce his body heat, if there's any. 

I read to him daily so that he would have vast vocabulary once he speaks. 

But when he got sick, I blamed myself. I didn't have a healthy body and that was why he didn't have a strong body as well. 

When he fell from the bed, I blamed myself for not ensuring a mattress was put beside the edge of the bed.

When it comes to my daughter now, I let her wear diapers daily because I just have no time to wash soiled nappies. Yes, I am afraid of her health but I've more to take care of now. 

And she fell down, TWICE, today. Once, in the morning when she stepped on a book on the floor and slipped. It hurt me to see her in pain. I should have picked up the book when I saw it earlier. It's my fault. 

She fell down again in the afternoon while I was mopping the floor. I thought my mom was looking after her or at least keeping her occupy while I was mopping the floor but she wasn't. So this little girl was left walking around on wet floor and fell. 

I am not a good mother because I let her fell twice today. I feel sad. I cried. But I can't stop here, because I need to keep going and going....till my last breath. I hope till then, I can say, I've done my best. Now, not yet...

A Teary Mom

"I am sorry, Isaac, I'm sorry. I'm an angry mom and a sad mom. I'm sick but I don't want to take medicine because medication will only make me go to sleep and be tired all the time. I want to depend on God alone to recover." 

That's what I told Isaac before he fell asleep just now. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing as I lay beside his sleepy head. He moved closer to me and threw his arm over my shoulder, giving assurance that he understood me. He was exhausted and within minutes, he fell into a deep sleep. 

I stopped crying then until I came to my blog to write this. I don't understand why I am always teary. I am teary since a girl. My mom couldn't understand why too and often scolded me for being a cry baby and being superstitious, always said I brought her bad luck for crying too much. I wish I know why I am so teary. I wish I can be a happy girl like my friends. 

I didn't have a happy childhood. I don't want to blame my mom for being too teary and affected me subconsciously but where do I seek help? I cried so much that during my childhood that I was afraid I would be blind one day due to crying. 

I even asked my science stream friend, "Do you think I would become blind by crying too much?" 

He answered, "I don't know. Tears are salt. Probably you can take more salt to prevent blindness." And we laughed. 

Anxiety attack

YL informed me that he could no longer provide transportation for me and worked as a middle man between the supplier and me. So, my dream of expanding my online business has come to an end abruptly. How sad! 

Just when I thought I should not give up - at least not now - because it has just survived a year and 1 year is a taboo because I never worked on anything more than a year! So, I should strive harder but alas, I am forced to stop. There's no way to continue because no one is transporting the goods for me.  It's not so easy to find someone to transport - I am talking about someone who would not "eat up" my share. 

While I was still wondering and being grateful I still have a translation job in hand to replace this, I was hit by another blow that I've missed the dateline on 21 June! I promised to get back to the management in two days and while I labored till midnight on the work, I got a reply in the morning that they had the job done and sent to the client. Gosh! My late night gone down the drain. And after waiting for a few days to see whether there's any reply from the management, I know quite well that they won't come back to me as someone who could not keep to the dateline is as well be kicked out. No excuses eventhough I am a patient of depression. OK. Who knows? Who cares? Keep that nonsense to yourself. As long as you want to work and earn, you've gotta fit into the circle and meet the demands of the employer. Excuses are considered lame. 

What else can I say? I should continue to be a housewife...

Let God be our Avenger

It's amazing how kids and adults like Avengers. I asked Isaac why he likes Avengers. 
"Because they have power" was his reply. 

I think the creators of Avengers and other superheroes, like most of us, have a need for someone to help at a certain point of time, thus the creation of these superheroes to uphold justice. But very rarely do we see justice nowadays...

I told Isaac, "Avengers are just movie characters. They don't come out to help people. Avengers mean people who avenge for our suppression. And in real life, God is our Avenger because He asks us not to revenge for ourselves but wait for His time." 

And like King David during his trial time, he waited patiently for God to avenge for him. It'll take me a whole life to learn this lesson - to never bad mouth about anyone who go against me even during suppression - for He sees and hears all.

The tears within

Have you ever been exhausted yet couldn't sleep?

Have you ever tried your best yet being accused of otherwise? 

The feeling of hurt cut deep into the heart which no consolation can comfort...