Day 6: Exhaustion

Today errmm.... I think I've lost the battle even without devil being involved. Oh yea, I know I've missed Day 5 journal but my baby was reluctant to sleep early yesterday and I had to play with her till almost midnight and by the time, she was asleep, I was too. 

To begin with, I think we should begin the day with the "daily bread" or words of God. Not being able to read the Bible the first thing in the day plummeted my confidence and faith. First, I should be more tolerant when my baby was crying and refusing to take bath instead of being pissed off. So, what should a mother be? Always kind and caring and gentle. But I was angry, angry, angry which shouldn't be. Prayers were reduced. Temper shot up easily. This is so wrong. 

The only reason for this bad mood was that I hadn't been able to get good sleep for the past few days because my baby had fever and woke so many times in the middle of the night to be breastfed. When I don't get enough of sleep, I'll get mad easily. Devil, of course, knows my weaknesses better than my husband or children. Here, I fell into guilt and pain. The mental torture is so tremendous that I wish I'm dead. 

I always feel like committing suicide when I've hurt my kids or when I feel I'm not a good mother. I also feel stressed when I haven't got the time to mop and clean the floor off the mess. I feel irritated and feel like things are crumbling down on me. I wish my husband would be more understanding and help out looking after the kids rather than watching TV. Everything seems to be so wrong. 

I haven't been able to sleep at 10pm and wake at 6am to read the Bible and pray. This should be done for better days to come. 

Jesus, please help me to...