Battling depression

I feel like I'm battling this myself. I'm losing the battle and I cried so often, thoughts of suicide is not something new. I told closed friends and I want people to know I have problems. I want people to pity me and listen to me. Yes, it made me feel better. But the betterness doesn't stay. I'm lost. I'm nowhere. I'm back at the battlefield once I've finished talking. It's useless. 

I thought this is a battle of mine until I broke down and cried and knelt with prayers. It's not mine. In fact, it's never meant to be. It's God's battle. And He's battling for me. He's in the front line and I am at the back, watching the waves coming close but never hit me because He has blocked the danger. 

I've spent endless visits to the doctors for my back bone. I've recovered or so. And now, it's my mental health breaking me apart. I don't know how to do this and that. First and foremost, I didn't come from a supportive family. Encouragement and praises were not my parents' cup of tea. I grew up not knowing how to be happy, what real happiness is and how to be encouraged. I thought getting married and having children will make me happy and so I did it. But I didn't feel happy. In fact, having such low spirit and having children at the same time made me helpless. I am incapable of taking good care of myself and feeling good, let alone handling house works and taking care of the kids. And it's a cycle. The more helpless I am, the more depressed I feel and it goes on and on till I break down and come to God...

I need to go back to God. Yes, I have wanted to talk to professional about my mental state but when I did, I feel it is useless again. I went through therapy. It made me feel better for that one or two weeks and then I was back at the battlefield, feeling exhausted and battered. 

I looked back and realised how much time I have wasted wrestling with my own dreams, regrets and wishes. I have not truly appreciated what God has provided me. I haven't really thank God for the beautiful son He has given me. I've neglected my son in the midst of looking for an extra of few hundreds to save each month. I've wished he would take longer naps in the noon to let me finish my work. I've lamented and complained why he was so clingy and attached. I've done so many things to hurt him, I feel hurt now. And I'm doing the same to my baby daughter now. It's so unfair to both of them, I know. I know it's wrong yet I can't help myself but doing the same thing every day! 

My son wet his bed yesterday and today, it was the first time, after 4 years that we weaned him off diapers that he wet his pants during the Sunday kids' service. And he didn't feel remorse. He said no one notice he peed in his pants. There's something so wrong with that yet he felt "it's ok" to do that. He could have gone through stressful moments, I don't know. Maybe cos I caned him too hard few days ago. I don't know. There's something wrong and I need to purge it out ONCE AND FOR ALL. Let's kill the weeds by uprooting them! In order to help my kids, I need to help myself. I need to be OK first and in order to bring them up to be fine adults. 

And today, I need to stand up again. I'm not strong and that's why I need God to be my shield. I'm not going to lie about my journey in this healing process whether it's my success or failure in overcoming stress. And this will become my daily routine journal to mark my healing process.