It's my fault

I am not a good mom, I thought. This has been in my mind since the birth of my son. 

I tried to be a good mom by using cloth nappies for my son because I was afraid he would get rashes from wearing diapers for long hours and to avoid any possibilities of getting testicle cancer. That's how paranoid I was. 

I mopped the floor everyday so that he won't have to crawl on dusty floor. 

I boiled soup everyday so that he would drink more and reduce his body heat, if there's any. 

I read to him daily so that he would have vast vocabulary once he speaks. 

But when he got sick, I blamed myself. I didn't have a healthy body and that was why he didn't have a strong body as well. 

When he fell from the bed, I blamed myself for not ensuring a mattress was put beside the edge of the bed.

When it comes to my daughter now, I let her wear diapers daily because I just have no time to wash soiled nappies. Yes, I am afraid of her health but I've more to take care of now. 

And she fell down, TWICE, today. Once, in the morning when she stepped on a book on the floor and slipped. It hurt me to see her in pain. I should have picked up the book when I saw it earlier. It's my fault. 

She fell down again in the afternoon while I was mopping the floor. I thought my mom was looking after her or at least keeping her occupy while I was mopping the floor but she wasn't. So this little girl was left walking around on wet floor and fell. 

I am not a good mother because I let her fell twice today. I feel sad. I cried. But I can't stop here, because I need to keep going and going....till my last breath. I hope till then, I can say, I've done my best. Now, not yet...