Read, read and read

Read, read and read. That's the only thing I can say in getting a knowledgeable child. I read to my child anything we come across, be it a book, magazine, newspaper, pamphlet, flyers, menu, comic, etc. You name it, everything that is pure and good and beneficial, I will want to read to my son and let him know more about that genre. 

Once a person reads a lot, he/she will learn a lot and be more mature in thinking. When they enter preschool, parents would have lesser burden in enforcing reading habit. 

Reading has so many benefits. It helps the child to understand a matter with different perspectives. It also helps the child to write well. 

When I asked my brother, "How can you write so well?" 

He said, "I don't know. It's in me." 

Yes. It's through years of reading. So, parents, let's start reading to your children today! 

Nurturing reading habit

Have you ever read a book to your children? Ok, I'm asking Asian parents. I understand very well that reading to children is in the culture of the Westerners but not as much for the Asians. 

When my friend first told me to read to my foetus, I was like, "Urgh?! Read to him when he was not born yet?" My friend told  me that though foetus could not see what we were reading, he/she could hear us and viola, her sons remembered the stories told to them when they were just foetus. Is that true? 

I tried reading to my son when he was just 5 months old in my tummy and I felt bored. I felt like I was talking to a wall! I would rather spend time watching TV than reading, "A for Apple" to an unborn. So, I gave up and only read once in a long long while. 

When my son was born, I thought he would be too young to understand anything and hence, delayed reading to him again. Once when we went back to my husband's hometown in Johor, my sister-in-law advised me to read to my son as early as possible. She has a very good example - her son, who loves books more than anything else. It was awesome to watch that boy reading book after book. So, without any delay, I started to read to my son when he was four months old. I read to him whenever I was breastfeeding him. It felt good. He listened attentively. I bought simple books with short sentences and big pictures. 

Now, I thank God because my son answers most of the questions asked by his teachers. I thank God that I read to him early. I thank God when teachers came to me and said, "Your son knows a lot! You must have taught him well." I thank God that my son will pick a book and read by himself. I thank God for everything! 

I am one proud mother when my son would pick a book and sit down to read all by himself. 

Teh Tarik Junction: Nurturing reading habit

Teh Tarik Junction: Nurturing reading habit: Have you ever read a book to your children? Ok, I'm asking Asian parents. I understand very well that reading to children is in the culture o...

Appreciate every moment spent with the child

For the past one week, my son stayed at home throughout the day because he could not do any heavy stuffs like jumping in the trampoline in the school. Then, I remembered how I feared him and was so exhausted taking care of him for the past 2 years. With tears, anger, frustration and guilt, I went through the past 2 years and am still keep searching for an answer. 

When he was born, the family was so excited. But this baby was so different. (OK, every baby is different). He wanted people to carry him ALL THE WHILE, even at home. So, even when we were at home, we would have to carry him and walk around the house. How I wish he could learn to crawl and I could let him crawl more and no more carrying. But then, when we were outside, floors are dirty and it's not good to crawl. So, carry him again. And how I wish he could learn to walk and so I can stop carrying him. But when he starts to walk, he is fast and he started to run away dangerously which make us carry him. 

Children grow fast. Appreciate every moment. Although I thought I've spent much time instilling a good reading habit in him, I lost the most important thing - patience and discipline. 

Oh, what ending is it?!?

I just finished watching a Chinese love story involving three parties - two gorgeous guys and one pretty woman. One of the guys is my favourite actor, Louis Koo Tin Lok. As an obedient audience I followed every scene diligently and ahem, as the Director of perfecto, I never guessed the ending of a drama wrongly. But I was wrong this time! Arrgghhh! 

The storyline goes like this, Louis Koo met a woman, Yan Yee and tried all sorts of things to date her. When he got her a date, he ended up in bed with another woman. Years later, they worked in the same office and he wanted to date her again. Later on, she realised that he went to bed with another woman the day of their date. So, she rejected him. She wanted someone loyal, not a playboy which the role Louis Koo played was. 

At that time, she met the guy whom she saw few years back. He was an architect or engineer who drew and was building a skyscrapper building following Yan Yee's shadow. Oh, how romantic! 

Louis Koo found that he had no love for one-night-stand anymore and went to look for Yan Yee. He found her in the restaurant with the other guy and his parents. So, he went to the opposite building and painted  "Marry Me" on a cloth and pull it over like a banner across the building. It was a touching scene. At the same time, the other guy came with a ring, knelt down and display a big 'MARRY ME' through the lightings in the opposite building. Oh, that was even more romantic! How could anyone resist that??? Deep down I wanted the heroin to accept the engineer who was more loyal and honest but I thought she would choose Louis Koo. In fact, I thought the girl would say, "I'm sorry" and left but she didn't. She held her hand forward to the engineer to put in the ring. And Louis Koo waved goodbye and said he's going back to earth to be 'him' again - a playboy in nature. 

Every story has an ending. What others decide, we can't do anything. But we can always decide on the ending we want for ourselves. Isn't life a stage-show? How would you want your story to end? 

Being humble provides us knowledge

How often do we admit our fault and say we are sorry? Even my 3 year-old son would not admit his fault immediately! He would run away when I demanded an apology. Thank God, after some quiet time (around 30 seconds), he would come running back to me and apologise. 

When we look back, we might think it's not so difficult to be humble. But when we are there and then, we are reluctant to admit our fault. We take every critics and feedbacks as personal attack. We would then block out all other kind of opinions and suggestions and finally come up with excuses that we are indeed the 'right' one. 

Recently, I was faced with a difficult person and was so disappointed with her attitude of turning the gun point at us when we felt she was the one who need to change. How I wanted to get the words straight into her face that being humble brings you no harm. In fact, it gives you more knowledge. And the more knowledge you get, the more humble you'll be and the cycle would go on and on. 

Humble doesn't mean taking nonsense into account. It means the willingness to respect and consider the feelings and opinions of others as probably they might be in the right position. Humble means thinking everyone else as greater than us. Humble means the willingness to put down the self, ask and learn from others. 

The world is so big and we are just tiny weeny bits which are here today and gone tomorrow. It is difficult to swallow up one's pride but come think about the abundant joy in learning and acquiring knowledge when we are humble, don't it worth the while to let go of "I"? 

How corporal punishment (CP) is used?

I've been looking everywhere for books which advise people to use corporal punishment (CP) but I could find almost none in the market. Yes, the world is going towards nurturing with love. Love means having the patience to talk nicely and yes, let the boys and girls retaliate as they like and yes, continue to talk nicely and so on...

Blah blah blah...You'll find a lot of books in the market encouraging parents to use LOVE in educating their children and very few books or none at all talking about the use of CP. But from the research I read, people around the world are still using CP to an extend of abusing it! And yes, now, CP and abuse are two totally different things. 

CP should be:

1) used only as the LAST resort - when warnings are given and yet the child didn't learn from his/her mistake and heed the warnings. 

2) used with an instrument such as a cane or stick is used

3) only one or two strikes on the palm and not anywhere else (which the pain is bearable for the child)

4) followed by explanations on why it is used. 

5) used only when the parents/guardians or caretakers are in a calm mood so not to cause any injury to the child. 

6) used with wisdom

Corporal Punishment vs Nurturing with Love

Frankly, I don't see the difference between corporal punishment (CP) and nurturing with love. The current trend is that we should use LOVE - talk gently and nicely to the children and not touch them a single hair. I don't know what others think, but I think CP and LOVE are interrelated.

Take for example, I LOVE my son and so I will use CP when it is necessary. Look, necessary means I don't have to use CP at all when he did not cross certain borders. The borders are the ground rules as mentioned in my previous post.

Rule No. 1 - Do not fight or hurt others. When he does that, he'll have to face a disciplinary session which is a strike on his palm with a cane or stick.

Why use a cane or stick? It is important to use an instrument when incorporating CP because it tells the child that when they are naughty, the cane will be used. It's something like the Pavlov's experiment - bell, food and saliva and in this case, fighting, discipline, cane. When they are hostile, they will need to be removed from their friends and face CP.

Hands are not to be used to discipline a child because hands are used to do so many other things. We need to let the child know that hands are used to open the door, wash the dishes, cook, etc and MOST OF ALL, to hug and carry the child. This also reinforce the ideology that the child should not use his/her hands to hurt others.

Of course, some people might argue that using CP will only give positive reinforcement for the child to be more violent. The fact is that, after reading so many articles, I found that there is no absolute reason for not using CP when the parents / teachers know that CP is used out of LOVE for the child. Only someone who loves the child will not want the child to be one spoilt rotten brat.

A Chinese proverb goes, "Beaten on the child's flesh but the ache felt by the mother."

Whose mother would willingly let her child be beaten up? But wouldn't it be better for the child to be beaten and taught now when they are still young rather than being beaten in the jail later in their lives? 

If you think using CP means lashing out at the kid like one insane person, then you get me wrong. When used appropriately, CP has a positive effect because we do it out of love to discipline the child and absolutely not out of anger. And after executing CP, we should always let the child know that we still love him/her the same. Give them hugs and kisses and go on with daily activities. Condemn the behaviour not the person.

One interesting website on why CP should be used is as follow:
Corporal punishment needed in American schools

It's expensive. Don't buy lah!

Recently, I'm very fond of picture books because of the help I could get. My son likes the book, "Elmo loves you." There is one page saying, "Kids love toys," and I twisted the meaning a little. I told my son:

"Look! The baby wants a bear and the Mommy said, "You've so many soft toys at home. Let's not buy it. And the sister wants a doll. The Mommy said, "Let's look at the price. Oh Wow! It's expensive. Let's not buy it.' And look at them, they did not cry. So, Baby have to be good and not cry when Mama didn't buy you toys.

My boy nodded and the pictures have surely internalised into him. The story works miraculously and he never lament or throw tantrum when I refuse to buy him toys.

And now, last Tuesday, we were in Tesco and I was browsing at the ovens, my son said, "It's expensive la. Don't buy. At home got already lah."

What should I say?

I called my friend to check the price of ovens. She told me the next day was Jusco members' day. So, I bought a new oven the next day with cheaper price when my son was attending school. WA HAHA HA!

Setting ground rules

To be able to persist and be firm on something, parents should first set ground rules for the kids. 

Ground rules are not meant to be altered or change when one feels like it. So, parents have to be consistent with their rules. 

For example, the first rule in the Montessori my son attends is, not to fight or to hurt anyone. When this happens, the teacher will say, "STOP!" and immediately remove the children involved to a room. She would first tell them, "Kicking at people is not good. It hurts others. Now, this is the first warning. If I see this happen again, I'll have to discipline you."

Research shows that children start to understand cause and effect as young as at age 3. So, parents should first let the children know what are the ground rules and what will happen if they break the rules. Well, you would ask, "What about setting rules with children younger than 3?" 

Yea, I've those queries too. But the fact is children will get familiar with something when we keep repeating to them. That's how we learn our ABC and 123 right? As long as we have the patience and passion to build the children's character and repeat to them what is right and what is wrong, a child could not go wrong. 

Parents should be firm yet gentle

"Oh, I don't know how to be a mother!" Sometimes I heard myself saying that.

My son is one mischievous lot. When I saw my friend's son could sit down and play quietly, I wondered what is wrong with my son! 

What I learned from the Montessori teacher and also a friend of mine is that I should be firm with my decision. I should not give in no matter how my son whine or cry or throw his tantrum. I know it sounds easy but when it comes to practising it, life could be upside down. Ignoring a child's tantrum is one thing but making him stop the tantrum as well as learning that tantrum does not solve problem is rather a tough task. It takes patience and consistency. 

For example, whenever I asked my son to go to the toilet (yes, he needs to be reminded to pee), he would refuse to and started to stamp his feet. I should say something like, "I think there's an Ultraman in the toilet. Maybe we should check it out." I'll think of ways to lure him to the toilet and yes, I don't stop talking. Talking and distracting him from the whining help to calm him down as well as completing the task in hand. 

Being firm means not giving in. We are adults and should know what is best for the kids. Since we think something is the best for them, we should insist on it and not giving in to them simply because they throw a big tantrum. 

Being gentle means we give reminder on how they should behave (not by kicking, crying, whining, etc). It also means that when they whine and throw a big fit, we don't smack or get angry at them easily. 

I think the method is starting to work within me and my son. I'm having two whine-free days from my son. Keep the fingers crossed!

My son is aggressive!!!

Finally, I've finished off my thesis with a great relief!

And now, for the morning session while my son attends playschool, I'll be sitting in my friend's hubby's office, reading through journal articles on parenting.

Yea, I'm bored to death at times because I just do not know what to do with my time. But the more I read the articles, the more I feel like doing a research myself on the topic of parenting aggressive children.

My son, a two year and five months old child, would throw tantrum whenever things don't go his way and he is extremely hostile and impulsive. He is hostile because he simply attack the other children if they try to grab his toys. Of course, it is a way to protect himself, but as parents, who don't feel embarrassed when our child hurt others to the extent of leaving pinching scars on the other boy's face! It is totally unacceptable!

I need to find a solution - QUICK!

A Chinese proverb goes like this, "Behaviours internalised into a child at 3 years old will keep repeating themselves till they are 80!"

Oh my! I do not want my child to be aggressive throughout his life. Am I paranoid?

Husband and Wife 1

Lately, I have had many arguments with my husband. To me, I felt I've totally lost hope and expectations in him. Take the day before Christmas, I was extremely tired ( I wondered why). After attending my husband's subordinate wedding reception, we reached home at 3pm and I was exhausted. Lying on the bed, my son asked for milk. I asked my husband, who had just taken his bath, to prepare the milk for the baby yet he refused to. I woke up and prepared it myself. The anger was burning inside. I hated him to the extent of wanting him to die. I don't understand why he simply can't fullfill my simple request. What is a husband for if he couldn't provide in the time when I needed him most?

I refused to go to church for the dinner. He brought our son and left. I was angry. I was disappointed. He didn't even say sorry for that? He didn't even consider to beg me to go? 

I called a few friends and thought of running away from home. Yet, everyone was busy with Christmas! Who's going to take me in? 

I left the house and accelerated to the church, wanting to take my son home and asked my husband to stay out of the house for the night. I didn't want to see him. I hated him to the extent of wanting to take a stone and *BOING* on his head. 

I reached church and at the entrance, we argued. I wanted my son and leave. We got into his car and talked. 

He apologised and I gave in. 

Letting the child attend playschool

Lately, I started to get busy with life again. Hmm...It's not really about work but about my unfinished thesis. I started my Master programme before I got pregnant and till now, I already has a son, just celebrated his two years of age and yet, I'm still stuck with an unfinished dissertation! I thought of giving up but then, an old time professor told me, "It's not only about finishing the thesis, it's about completing something you've started. You'll be a role model for your children in the future."

A role model? Yea, I wish I can. Hence, I took up the courage to make my life busy with my thesis. But how can I get busy with my thesis when I've to take care of my son? I decided to send him to a trusted playschool which is opened by my church member. Then, I can really sit down and work without fear of my son getting injured or without proper care.

I've to admit that letting go of my son is a terrible decision since he was with me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and he's like my own heartbeat. The moment I thought of letting him attend playschool, I shivered and my eyes were filled with tears. I had the disease people called separation anxiety!!!

The first day that I sent my son to the playschool, I was very excited and so was my son. To me, he was not scared at all. In fact, he was extremely engrossed with the activities and totally forgotten about me! So, I went off.

But the next day, I cried in front of the headmistress, my friend. I told her that I felt myself as useless because I'm only taking care of my son - ONE son. Some people might think I'm useless because I can't handle even a son. My friend consoled me and told me that it's OK to send the child to the playschool. She has children younger than my son attending her school and yes, full time mother also needs rest and some personal time.

Full time mothers out there, do not fear of having your own personal time. I feel great having my own few hours now. I feel relaxed without my son tagging along when I need to do my homework. and yes, I feel recharged after the few hours of separation.

Facing the facts...

Last Saturday, I went to visit two church members with my cell group members. The first family has a business but since the man of the family faced with the second attack of stroke, he is bed ridden or stays mostly in the bed now. And what's tiring is that, his wife said, he might wakes up 10 times a night just to go to the toilet and how burdensome it is for his wife to carry his weight and direct him to the toilet. We can see tears flooding in her eyes yet she did not let them flow down freely. She held back. I guessed she was still not familiar with us to cry in front of us. And...I could sense the message of , "no matter how much you cry, you still have to FACE it." She was strong. 

The second person that we visited was one with kidney failure. She has become so thin and frail that I almost can't recognise her. Her husband is a lorry driver and a few families of the lorry drivers stay in the same house considered as a 'hostel' to them. She looked exhausted and she told us how she hungered for different food but she was not able to eat them because she kept vomiting after each meal. The vomiting might be through the night which cause her to be sleepless. 

I could only sigh after meeting the two members. My tears flowed in my heart as I watched them and imagined how they cope with their lives even for the next moment...They need people to care and make sure they stay on the right tracks of mind to look up at God.

A man who asked for bread in the middle of the night

Once, there was a man who was very poor. He went to his friends in the middle of the night and knocked on their doors. The doors were not opened until he went up to the fourth friend. He was given bread, eaten them and went home peacefully.

The next day, the first friend came and asked him, "How are you, my friend? Do you need any bread?"

The man looked at his friend and answered, "Sorry, I don't know you."

It was when one is in hunger that he needed bread the most, not after he had eaten and had enough. It is in time of despair and desperate need that one ask for help...not when things are going smoothly. How friends flee when they smell problems are around the corner. And that's the reason we need God in time of despair when everyone else abandon us. 

The impossible has become possible - through God

I've always thought that I was not able to change.

I"ve this gene that was passed down by my dad, my dad from his dad and so on...And for all these years, I was always haunted with the same problem - quick temper. Relatives from the same family branches always blame it on the gene and said that it's in our blood when others are hurt and with the same excuse, we hope that the hurt person will forgive us or overlook the faulty in our gene. and so, changing in us is - impossible!

Even after knowing Christ for almost 7 years now, I've JUST grasped the impossible!

A sis in Christ visited  me recently and shared me her testimonies. Long story cut short, I told her it's almost impossible for me to change. The 'gene' is in me and I've like no control to what I'll be doing when the temper takes in. I felt hideous each time after a temper broke out. I felt sinful. I felt sad...devastated that there's no cure for me.

And then I started to pray...earnestly. It did not come just like that...but gradually, I feel I'm changing. When there were incidents which provoke me to get angry, I kept cool and talked to God instead.

I am a FREE person now, free from all the superstitiousness, free from the bind of the so-called 'hereditary' hot temper and most of all - I know that, "with God, nothing is impossible."

Jesus Christ wants us to be free. He wants us to be free from alcohol, free from gambling, free from illicit sexual desires / activities, free from the bind of superstitious beliefs, free from our negative behaviours / attitudes / characters or whatsoever hereditary. The word "FREE" means we are in control of what we don't want to do. For example, when I do not want to get angry, I am free to do that. But if you don't want to do something but are unable to control yourself from doing it, you're bound!

Be a free person today and seek for Jesus Christ!

Life's lesson

It seems like I've isolated my blog for quite some time. The reason was that I was very VERY busy with my thesis and was unable to make time to write anything else.

The past two weeks really made me grow - spiritually.

I had argument with my husband. I had friend visiting me. I had patiently listened and talked to someone whom I did not like. Those things have changed my life, or at least change the way I view others.

Firstly, I've learned not only to see myself as "I" only but rather "we" when it's with my husband because we have become ONE. When we are married, "two have become one" and we should appreciate this union blessed by God.

Secondly, I've learned to listen to other people's stories...I find that nowadays everyone is so busy with own stuffs that we rarely stop to listen or read about others. We could spend time with our pets or watching TV but not listening to others. WHY? When I opened up my heart to listen, and thank God for bridging the relationship between my senior and I, I pitied her. In fact, I started to realise why she has acted the way she did. I let go of the past events where she hurt me countless times. and viola, I feel great! The burden of hatred did give me tiring shoulders and sleepless nights. Now, whenever I need to see her, I just pray that God bridge our relationship and that let me accept her as she is.

Thirdly, I've learn to accept God's will rather than mine. Whatever that I pray for, it's a prayer and it depends on whether God will grant it to me. and so, even if things did not work out as I've prayed, I should be willing to accept it and say, "Yea, may God's will be done."

We should walk slowly and enjoy the scenery, whether it's climbing up a hill, going through a dark tunnel or sitting in a raft going through storms.

May God's will be done.

Stepping out of the circle

I did not shed a tear after my recent meeting with my supervisor.

For all I could remember, those meetings with my supervisor were horrible and unpleasant with demotivating comments. But the recent meeting brought smile to my face.

My supervisor scolded me for using recycled papers to print the drafts for her to check. In her view, I was not respecting her by using recycled paper. She also commented that using recycled paper showed that my mind is cluttered (what I submit shows my mind's condition). On my side, I was just doing the environment a little kindness (and also to save money). After all, the drafts would be in the rubbish dump after I amended my writing.  Although I didn't quite agree with her thinking, I've to admit that my mind was cluttered at that point of time. I smiled. The comment brought warmth and I thought how funny human's thinking differ from each other.

For all the comments I got through the years like 'stupid', 'brainless', 'rubbish' and so forth, 'cluttered mind' was the easiest to swallow.

I wondered whether I would have continued my journey in the banking industry if I were able to take a step out of the circle then when I was criticised. I wished I would have replied, "Stupid? Who? Me?"

I've to stress that, without Jesus Christ, I don't think I could have done it.

God not only carried me out of the circle but also provided me with TWO very lovely lecturers from overseas that I got to know through the world of web to answer my stupidest questions which I think my supervisor would have shouted her lung out for even asking!

Thank you, Jesus Christ. Thank you so much!
I might be stupid but you've never abandoned me.

What is the right question to ask?

Recently I am extremely busy with my thesis (which seems to take forever to finish).

I joined a discussion group on the field I am researching and asked several questions.

For the first time, my questions were answered by my supervisor. (Question like 1+1)

Then, the second time, my questions were answered with another question. (Question like 1+1-1)

Well, the questions I asked might seem so simple to the group but to me, it's tough enough to make me sleepless.

I wondered whether the group will think or would have thought that I am so stupid as not to understand a thing in the thing I am researching.

So, what should I ask if not the things I don't understand? Who is the stupidest? The person who asks questions he/she doesn't understand or the person who keeps quiet on the thing he/she doesn't understand?