My heart aches

I don't know why I wasn't aware of his addiction to television until we had our first child. 

We used to watch tv together during dinner and after dinner until before bed. It was never a problem until Isaac was born. We continued to watch tv. He could play by himself, we thought. It was until he was two that I felt something was really wrong. He needed a good example and we were not setting good examples by watching tv endlessly and especially when it interrupted his sleeping time. Isaac used to sleep at 11pm or 12am at times!

I stopped watching tv. I wanted to spend more time with Isaac. I hated it when my husband rather watched TV than playing with him. It doesn't make sense. Man wants to have a family and when he has a wife and child, he refuses to give them time. So what's the point of having a family? That's my reason to have a fight with my husband - ALL THE TIME.

And the more fight we had, the more bitter I am. It didn't help. He won't change for us. And I just couldn't change him. I could only change myself to adapt to him. 

It makes me strong when I think that I'm depending on God. Though I may be strong, there are still times, my heart aches so much I wish I weren't here. Why am I the only one who's playing and accompanying the OUR children? Why am I the only who thinks setting a good example is a must for the kids to lead a Christian life? Why only me? 

The root of bitterness

I have no mood to read though I know I should read the Bible everyday. Sometimes, I just do not know what I want or what I am doing but I just keep sliding the screen on my phone while skimming through Facebook. Then, I stopped at a photo of my church members. 

They're a jovial and well respected couple. They're also proud parents of three children. But it hurt me when I see their photo. I don't quite understand. 

After reading my Bible, I finally understood. Praise The Lord for revealing to me what was wrong. 

Long ago, during lunch, we were chatting and I said that I couldn't really work in the administrative department or handle paper works. It was so boring that I almost fell asleep during work (I was relating my work experience as a marine claim executive). Then this experienced uncle 'taunted' me with something like, "that's because you've never worked in the bank administrative before. It is so busy practically that you won't get to breath. My daughter is working in a bank now. You can always ask her. She's as busy as I do. You won't be able to fall asleep." 

I felt hurt. And that hurt was a seed planted deep into my heart. And whenever I see this uncle or his daughter, I don't seem bless them but feel bitter. 

I prayed that God remove this bitterness. Why should I be hurt with that little conversation? Our lord Jesus Christ was humiliated and accused yet remained calm. In fact, He even prayed to our Father in heaven to forgive the sinners because they do not know what they're doing. Yes, forgive others and release self from being bitter is the best option to be joyful in The Lord. 

As human, we tend to speak a lot and sometimes we speak wrongly or have hurt others but we don't know. Pray that God will always guide us in our speech so that we will not hurt or provoke others by our words. 

Amen. 

I feel lousy

I feel lousy. I'm exhausted but I know I have to write this out before going to bed or I would stay awake even when I'm in bed.

I don't understand my exhaustion. I feel dizzy at times, nausea at times and exhausted most of the time almost every day since Monday. OK, exhaustion aside, I keep my reading up to date so I won't miss a day. I want a real change in me. 

1) Today, however, I felt extremely agitated but thank God I was able to guard my lips from lashing at my mom's sarcastic comment, "Keep the bill and claim it from your husband."

Kao Fu came today after his visit to Selayang Hospital. He's always kind enough to drop off packets of "Chee Cheong Fun" because he knows my husband loves it. So, how could I let him leave going hungry? And by my mom's suggestion, we headed to Tea Garden after sending Isaac to UCMAS training class. The bill came up to RM43. My mom wasn't grateful at all but gave sarcastic remarks. If that's not all, she thinks I'm rich to have extras all the time. I really wanted to tell her in her face that I only have another hundred ringgit to survive for this and next week but I didn't. I'm blessed for not lashing at her or I'll lose a testimony. 

2) I don't understand why men are so dependent! Be it my little man Isaac or his father, they're just so lazy to look for what they want but ASK and expect you to find it for them. Isaac called out,"Mama, where is my chicken bag?"  even before he REALLY look for it. Then when we were back from church, my husband asked, "Eii..ei..." when he was looking for the umbrella he had put into the bag earlier on. It was there but they just had to make some remarks or ask for help. Such lazy bum! But I had to swallow this because today's reading taught me to "treat my husband like a real man". I should respect him and resist to taunt him with hurtful comments such as this. Huh!!?!

3) My husband said he was tired after dinner and doubted whether he could stay awake during sermon. But after church, he had his supper while watching TV and he won't be in bed till midnight. Sometimes I feel whether I should believe in his "I'm tired" statement. It seems like all the exhaustion can be "cured" by watching TV.

4) I don't understand why mom wanted to follow us to the church. Her heart is so hard, I feel she's a spy or something like that. She told me she wanted to understand more before accepting Christ but the fact from the conversation I had with her, she still believe that she'll become crazy once she accepted Christ. And that's impossible if she had the right kind of faith. And what she spoke just made me feel even lousier. 

After all the Lamentations come counting the blessings.

1) When I was folding the clothes, I was amazed at how many clothes my kids have! Their clothes can last for a month without any washing to be done! And I always felt grateful when Isaac was three. He was lack of pajamas pants. I wished someone would give him some so I don't have to buy. And God heard my prayers. Someone did. And the pants exceeded what I was hoping to get. It's an abundant blessing! 

2) Well, this month I was really on a tight budget. I don't know why. I never counted how much I had previously but I always had money to save. In contrast, this month I wrote down what I had to spend and then, I was panicked and I really don't have much left. I just have another hundred plus to last for this weekend and next week. But I need to thank God because I'm not lacking. I still have a hundred to spend. 

I am a failure

I had breakfast with my daughter at a mamak stall. Hannah said she was hungry at hearing the name of "roti canal". She loves to eat food made with flour. Biscuits, bread, etc...

The stall was playing WWF. As I was watching the horrible scene of one lady bending the other's leg and having the other screaming for mercy, I thought,"Why would these people in their right mind like to watch this kind of show? How cruel it is!" 

Everything seemed ok until...Hannah took her nap in the morning. 

I went out to finish off what I needed to do. Then, I went searching for jobs...but it ended without any decision. I went to cook lunch and gradually, my mood went downhill...

I felt like a failure. Nothing seemed to be going right. I had to teach Isaac but I couldn't because Hannah was lingering around and pulled me to the room once and again to be breastfed. I hoped time could past fast enough before I had my explosion. I thanked God that granted me strength to pray at that time of low spirit. The prayer gave me extra strength to go through two hours without exploding, and I was relieved that my husband was back from work to take my baton. 

I like to cook. When I cook I'm alone. I can talk to myself. I can be 'free' for some time. So, I took out the coconut flour my mom bought for me to bake bread. It was not right. It didn't come out as bread. It came out as biscuits or maybe biscuit-bread? I felt bad again...but now that when I settled down to write this, it calmed me. I feel better. I think I shouldn't start looking for job unless I'm ready for it. The process of looking for jobs always stressed me out especially when I know I couldn't take the job I wanted! 

If you ask, what's my blessings I received today? 

1) I thank God that my husband was very understanding today.

2) Hannah was such an adorable child - she danced her Wong Fei Hung version all by herself.

3) Isaac practised piano without being asked to. 

It's good to always think about the pure, lovely and admirable things..

Keep going! 

Do not judge and you will not be judged

While I was doing my evening prayer before going to sleep yesterday, I realised what I had sinned during the day. 

It was in the morning that I read about God's words of not to judge others and there, in the afternoon I judged someone - a sis in Christ. I find that when my mom is around, I tend to talk foolishly and without guarding my lips and tongue which is very wrong. The point of bringing up the topic to my mom was that I wanted her to know that we shouldn't take any herbs when we are already sick. We should listen to doctor's advice. 

I was relating the incident that a sis is diagnosed with third stage breast cancer. The fact is, she knew about the cancer when she had it in the first stage but refused to do anything about it. She listened to some direct selling friends and took Ling Zhi, a Chinese herb, which is believed to be able to cure cancer. But after taking it for years, the tumor has enlarged from 3cm to 13cm now! 

Though I was trying to advice my mom, I was also judging the sister for being stubborn. When I was reviewing my speech, I realized I had spoke unkindly about her. I was not her. She was still young. She could have fear from mastectomy and refused to lose a breast. She was looking for other alternative besides mastectomy and chemotherapy. She wished she had made a right decision in preserving what a woman should have - a complete body with two breasts - but who knows the cancer turns monstrous. 

And today, God's words ring again in me. 

"Whatever is true, 

Whatever is right, 

Whatever is noble, 

Whatever is pure, 

Whatever is lovely, 

Whatever is admirable, 

If anything is excellent 

Or praiseworthy, 

Think about such things."

Philippians 4:8

Before speaking again, I should think whether it's true. Never to simply judge before knowing the feelings and conditions of what others are feeling.

The journey of being grateful

Last Saturday I went to church for a talk on depression. It was more of being a support to the speaker because we heard that she was in her final stage of breast cancer and she may die soon. So our attendance might mean something to her. But who knows I was the one who gained insight during the visit. 

So, here I wanted to start my journey of being a grateful person and to let God's love showers me day after day. In the days to come, I shall write about what I am grateful about rather than complaining or condemning. 

Today, after breakfast, I took my Bible to read. The impression of Luke 6: 37 was especially strong in my mind. And what a coincident that when I opened another devotional book and it talked about the same topic! It's the first blessing, reminder and miracle that has happened today. God wanted to remind me that :

Do not judge, and you will not be judged.

Do not condemned, and you will not be condemned.

Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Give, and it will be given to you.

Oh, how long have I lived my life complaining about this and that. I wish my husband would be this and that and I always said, "Why can't you....?" rather than being a better listener. 

I thank God for letting me know what a complainer I was! 

What if I'm gone today?

I don't understand why boys like playing battle. Maybe it's in them that one day they'll grow to be strong men to protect the weaker ones. However, my son has found the wrong partner - his sister to play with him. I couldn't stop laughing when I hear my daughter said, "Mama, see! Nana (Hannah) die already," while she lay on the floor.

It reminded me of my own faith. Though I have been a full time mother for years, I have been too busy working and constantly looking for freelance writing jobs or jobs I can do from home. I could have done better but I didn't as a mom, a wIfe, a sister in Christ, a neighbour. What if The Lord is to take me away? Or what if Jesus were to come right away? Am I ready to go? 

Our lord Jesus said, "No one knows about that day or hour,...Be on guard! Be alert!" Mark 13: 32. 

More often than not, we are lost in the busyness of daily routines or to work harder for more money. Hence, putting away what God really wants us to do - to minister to His people. And as for me, to minister the children under my care. As the late pastor Adrian Rogers put it, we don't have to be a pastor to minister or preach. We are ministering God's people when we testify Christ in our family, our job, our society, etc. 

"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5: 16