Lost

Life can be so meaningless when one lost the directions. Even though I've heard talks about having aims and objectives in life, I could not have one in mine. What is wrong? Probably I'm going to have my menses again. Aha! I always have the 'lost' feeling before my menses - what people call PMS. 

PMS aside, I'm lost because most of the time I do not know why I am here on earth and what I should be doing next. For all these while, I've been living a life of, "it's here, so face it." I could still remember when it's time to make decision on what course I should be taking after my Form 5 (SPM). I did not know. I went searching for courses with friends in colleges and when I was offered Form 6 (STPM), I accepted it immediately because my three closest friends were going to the same school too. Then, when it was time to apply for varsity, I was lost again - waiting for my friends to give me an answer. Why was I always lost in the crowd? To me, I was following the bandwagon. I don't have aims. I don't have objectives. I don't have things to achieve. All I know is, when it's time to face it, I'll face it. Otherwise, don't bother me. I can't make decisions. I feel like a loser. 

Does it have something to do with my past? I've been delaying on seeking help from professional counsellor. I was thinking probably I could step out of it. I thought I was this way because I am free. Yes, when I'm busy I won't be able to 'think' what is my aim in life. Why bother? just move on and dress up, send the kid to school, read something, cook, eat, window shopping with family and life goes on. Is that so? 

My life is draining away without one crucial point - Why am I here for? What should I do next? 

I'm thinking of having another baby - for my son. ???