Being humble provides us knowledge

How often do we admit our fault and say we are sorry? Even my 3 year-old son would not admit his fault immediately! He would run away when I demanded an apology. Thank God, after some quiet time (around 30 seconds), he would come running back to me and apologise. 

When we look back, we might think it's not so difficult to be humble. But when we are there and then, we are reluctant to admit our fault. We take every critics and feedbacks as personal attack. We would then block out all other kind of opinions and suggestions and finally come up with excuses that we are indeed the 'right' one. 

Recently, I was faced with a difficult person and was so disappointed with her attitude of turning the gun point at us when we felt she was the one who need to change. How I wanted to get the words straight into her face that being humble brings you no harm. In fact, it gives you more knowledge. And the more knowledge you get, the more humble you'll be and the cycle would go on and on. 

Humble doesn't mean taking nonsense into account. It means the willingness to respect and consider the feelings and opinions of others as probably they might be in the right position. Humble means thinking everyone else as greater than us. Humble means the willingness to put down the self, ask and learn from others. 

The world is so big and we are just tiny weeny bits which are here today and gone tomorrow. It is difficult to swallow up one's pride but come think about the abundant joy in learning and acquiring knowledge when we are humble, don't it worth the while to let go of "I"? 

How corporal punishment (CP) is used?

I've been looking everywhere for books which advise people to use corporal punishment (CP) but I could find almost none in the market. Yes, the world is going towards nurturing with love. Love means having the patience to talk nicely and yes, let the boys and girls retaliate as they like and yes, continue to talk nicely and so on...

Blah blah blah...You'll find a lot of books in the market encouraging parents to use LOVE in educating their children and very few books or none at all talking about the use of CP. But from the research I read, people around the world are still using CP to an extend of abusing it! And yes, now, CP and abuse are two totally different things. 

CP should be:

1) used only as the LAST resort - when warnings are given and yet the child didn't learn from his/her mistake and heed the warnings. 

2) used with an instrument such as a cane or stick is used

3) only one or two strikes on the palm and not anywhere else (which the pain is bearable for the child)

4) followed by explanations on why it is used. 

5) used only when the parents/guardians or caretakers are in a calm mood so not to cause any injury to the child. 

6) used with wisdom

Corporal Punishment vs Nurturing with Love

Frankly, I don't see the difference between corporal punishment (CP) and nurturing with love. The current trend is that we should use LOVE - talk gently and nicely to the children and not touch them a single hair. I don't know what others think, but I think CP and LOVE are interrelated.

Take for example, I LOVE my son and so I will use CP when it is necessary. Look, necessary means I don't have to use CP at all when he did not cross certain borders. The borders are the ground rules as mentioned in my previous post.

Rule No. 1 - Do not fight or hurt others. When he does that, he'll have to face a disciplinary session which is a strike on his palm with a cane or stick.

Why use a cane or stick? It is important to use an instrument when incorporating CP because it tells the child that when they are naughty, the cane will be used. It's something like the Pavlov's experiment - bell, food and saliva and in this case, fighting, discipline, cane. When they are hostile, they will need to be removed from their friends and face CP.

Hands are not to be used to discipline a child because hands are used to do so many other things. We need to let the child know that hands are used to open the door, wash the dishes, cook, etc and MOST OF ALL, to hug and carry the child. This also reinforce the ideology that the child should not use his/her hands to hurt others.

Of course, some people might argue that using CP will only give positive reinforcement for the child to be more violent. The fact is that, after reading so many articles, I found that there is no absolute reason for not using CP when the parents / teachers know that CP is used out of LOVE for the child. Only someone who loves the child will not want the child to be one spoilt rotten brat.

A Chinese proverb goes, "Beaten on the child's flesh but the ache felt by the mother."

Whose mother would willingly let her child be beaten up? But wouldn't it be better for the child to be beaten and taught now when they are still young rather than being beaten in the jail later in their lives? 

If you think using CP means lashing out at the kid like one insane person, then you get me wrong. When used appropriately, CP has a positive effect because we do it out of love to discipline the child and absolutely not out of anger. And after executing CP, we should always let the child know that we still love him/her the same. Give them hugs and kisses and go on with daily activities. Condemn the behaviour not the person.

One interesting website on why CP should be used is as follow:
Corporal punishment needed in American schools

It's expensive. Don't buy lah!

Recently, I'm very fond of picture books because of the help I could get. My son likes the book, "Elmo loves you." There is one page saying, "Kids love toys," and I twisted the meaning a little. I told my son:

"Look! The baby wants a bear and the Mommy said, "You've so many soft toys at home. Let's not buy it. And the sister wants a doll. The Mommy said, "Let's look at the price. Oh Wow! It's expensive. Let's not buy it.' And look at them, they did not cry. So, Baby have to be good and not cry when Mama didn't buy you toys.

My boy nodded and the pictures have surely internalised into him. The story works miraculously and he never lament or throw tantrum when I refuse to buy him toys.

And now, last Tuesday, we were in Tesco and I was browsing at the ovens, my son said, "It's expensive la. Don't buy. At home got already lah."

What should I say?

I called my friend to check the price of ovens. She told me the next day was Jusco members' day. So, I bought a new oven the next day with cheaper price when my son was attending school. WA HAHA HA!

Setting ground rules

To be able to persist and be firm on something, parents should first set ground rules for the kids. 

Ground rules are not meant to be altered or change when one feels like it. So, parents have to be consistent with their rules. 

For example, the first rule in the Montessori my son attends is, not to fight or to hurt anyone. When this happens, the teacher will say, "STOP!" and immediately remove the children involved to a room. She would first tell them, "Kicking at people is not good. It hurts others. Now, this is the first warning. If I see this happen again, I'll have to discipline you."

Research shows that children start to understand cause and effect as young as at age 3. So, parents should first let the children know what are the ground rules and what will happen if they break the rules. Well, you would ask, "What about setting rules with children younger than 3?" 

Yea, I've those queries too. But the fact is children will get familiar with something when we keep repeating to them. That's how we learn our ABC and 123 right? As long as we have the patience and passion to build the children's character and repeat to them what is right and what is wrong, a child could not go wrong. 

Parents should be firm yet gentle

"Oh, I don't know how to be a mother!" Sometimes I heard myself saying that.

My son is one mischievous lot. When I saw my friend's son could sit down and play quietly, I wondered what is wrong with my son! 

What I learned from the Montessori teacher and also a friend of mine is that I should be firm with my decision. I should not give in no matter how my son whine or cry or throw his tantrum. I know it sounds easy but when it comes to practising it, life could be upside down. Ignoring a child's tantrum is one thing but making him stop the tantrum as well as learning that tantrum does not solve problem is rather a tough task. It takes patience and consistency. 

For example, whenever I asked my son to go to the toilet (yes, he needs to be reminded to pee), he would refuse to and started to stamp his feet. I should say something like, "I think there's an Ultraman in the toilet. Maybe we should check it out." I'll think of ways to lure him to the toilet and yes, I don't stop talking. Talking and distracting him from the whining help to calm him down as well as completing the task in hand. 

Being firm means not giving in. We are adults and should know what is best for the kids. Since we think something is the best for them, we should insist on it and not giving in to them simply because they throw a big tantrum. 

Being gentle means we give reminder on how they should behave (not by kicking, crying, whining, etc). It also means that when they whine and throw a big fit, we don't smack or get angry at them easily. 

I think the method is starting to work within me and my son. I'm having two whine-free days from my son. Keep the fingers crossed!

My son is aggressive!!!

Finally, I've finished off my thesis with a great relief!

And now, for the morning session while my son attends playschool, I'll be sitting in my friend's hubby's office, reading through journal articles on parenting.

Yea, I'm bored to death at times because I just do not know what to do with my time. But the more I read the articles, the more I feel like doing a research myself on the topic of parenting aggressive children.

My son, a two year and five months old child, would throw tantrum whenever things don't go his way and he is extremely hostile and impulsive. He is hostile because he simply attack the other children if they try to grab his toys. Of course, it is a way to protect himself, but as parents, who don't feel embarrassed when our child hurt others to the extent of leaving pinching scars on the other boy's face! It is totally unacceptable!

I need to find a solution - QUICK!

A Chinese proverb goes like this, "Behaviours internalised into a child at 3 years old will keep repeating themselves till they are 80!"

Oh my! I do not want my child to be aggressive throughout his life. Am I paranoid?