At around 10.30pm, I heard footsteps and people calling my name. My eyes were heavy and I was extremely drowsy. My cell-group members came to visit me and kept telling me that I had done a great job. The baby was extremely cute and I am a mother! All I could do was to pose a weak smile. My lips were dried and I still had tears from the pain of birth.
The next morning, the nurse brought in my baby...It was unbelievable. I could not believe that I had already given birth to a baby. It was a miracle. It was a beautiful experience. It was everything in my life!
When the anesthetic had gone, I started to feel the pain from the operation. Doctor had advised me to get down from bed and walk around so that the wound would recover sooner. My husband had to help me to get up and down from the bed. It was an extremely painful experience. I had to drag my feet when walking to lessen the pain from the wound. But it was joyful to walk to the nursery to watch my baby sleeping in his cot, peacefully.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Painful Experience
It was a tremendous experience to be a first time mother. I was praying and asking my baby to come before the due date because I could wait no longer and was getting more and more impatient. The day before I had bleeding, I ate a very bowl of very spicy Asam Laksa. Then, the next morning, I was having brownish discharge. Later it turned to be light pink. Yes, I was sure the baby was coming.
My sis-in-law called and advised me to be calm and wait till the contractions or the water burst. So, I kept waiting. My husband was getting quite anxious and hurried himself into setting the baby's cot while I watched and waited.At around 2pm, my contractions started. It came 4 hours once, then three hours once and it was getting closer and closer. When it was midnight, the contractions came 10 minutes once! I was so exhausted from the pain and was unable to sleep through the night. The next morning, my husband and I decided to go to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor advised to put me for ECG test and it was tested that my contractions came 7 minutes once. Doctor said that I must check in the hospital. So, I did. He broke my water bag and I started to wait in the bed for the baby to come...
It was around 10.30am when I started to wait in the bed with the contractions coming closer and closer. My husband was beside me, trying to comfort me. When it was about 5.00pm, I had only dilated 4.5cm and the doctor said that the dilation was extremely slow. In the midst of drowsiness from the gas I inhaled and the pain, I told my husband to pray for God's will. We would wait for another half an hour and if there is not further dilation, I would have to go under the knife.
When the time came, the doctor checked with us again for our decision. I was in extreme pain by then, not being able to control myself from screaming. The contractions came 1 minute once. I felt as if my stomach was going to burst. I was crying and tearfully, I prayed for God to take me away from the pain. The following things I could remember was the nurse gave me some isotonic drinks and then, I was asked to sign many pages of papers, agreeing on the operation and asked to shift from the labour room's bed to a mobile bed. Then, I was pushed to the hall and before entering the Operation Theatre, I was asked to shift to another bed again. I was totally exhausted and all I could do was groaning and crying. The nurse asked me to be quick to avoid further contractions pain. I did my best to shift from bed to bed. Then, I was asked whether to go on half consciousness or full anesthetic and I said, "Tidur, saya mau tidur," and I was pushed into the Operation Theatre. Before they started to operate me, I had to reconfirm the signatures I made earlier that it was mine. And I was left to sleep peacefully...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Getting Emotional
This is the tenth month that I stay at home. Maybe I have too much time to myself that's why I am having the on and off mood swing. I feel like nobody is caring about me. No friends, no church members and not even family members.
Mom is away, with her sisters, enjoying her life while brother is working like a mule somewhere out there. My husband, is here, at home but it makes no difference because we have so less to talk about. He is tired all the time and would rather spend time doing his Sudoku which is meant to "relieve" his stress, so he said. While I, would day dream or look at the TV blankly, or keep replaying the same CD for my baby to listen.
Everyday seems to be the same for me, Monday to Saturday. Sunday is quite exceptional because I'll be going to church and seeing a lot more people. Otherwise, it would be the same too.
If I were to go to my sis-in-law's house, I would have to be extra careful for not saying the wrong thing. otherwise, I would be fired back. Hence, it would be advisable to KEEP THE MOUTH SHUT. I don't understand why she could be so "friendly" and "kind" to the friends while she could be so disrespectful in scolding me! Am I owing her anything? We did ask her if she has any baby's items which she would like to give out. Yes, we are taking in hands-me-down from her but that doesn't mean she can scold me whenever she feels like it. I feel being offended yet what can I say?
I found that I speak lesser and lesser. There is no point of talking because no one care to listen. I do not know, but this feeling of loneliness keeps haunting me and make me weaker by days...
But I keep reminding my baby, yes, even if the whole world would abandon you, remember that there will still be someone to hold to - our God, Jesus. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Mom is away, with her sisters, enjoying her life while brother is working like a mule somewhere out there. My husband, is here, at home but it makes no difference because we have so less to talk about. He is tired all the time and would rather spend time doing his Sudoku which is meant to "relieve" his stress, so he said. While I, would day dream or look at the TV blankly, or keep replaying the same CD for my baby to listen.
Everyday seems to be the same for me, Monday to Saturday. Sunday is quite exceptional because I'll be going to church and seeing a lot more people. Otherwise, it would be the same too.
If I were to go to my sis-in-law's house, I would have to be extra careful for not saying the wrong thing. otherwise, I would be fired back. Hence, it would be advisable to KEEP THE MOUTH SHUT. I don't understand why she could be so "friendly" and "kind" to the friends while she could be so disrespectful in scolding me! Am I owing her anything? We did ask her if she has any baby's items which she would like to give out. Yes, we are taking in hands-me-down from her but that doesn't mean she can scold me whenever she feels like it. I feel being offended yet what can I say?
I found that I speak lesser and lesser. There is no point of talking because no one care to listen. I do not know, but this feeling of loneliness keeps haunting me and make me weaker by days...
But I keep reminding my baby, yes, even if the whole world would abandon you, remember that there will still be someone to hold to - our God, Jesus. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Getting Paranoid
My due date for delivery is getting nearer and nearer... and I am getting more impatient to see and hold my baby in my arms. But there are thousand of things to worry about...
whether I am able to dilate and let the baby comes out naturally,
whether I am able to endure the pain of having "that part" being cut open,
whether I am able to breastfeed my baby,
whether my baby will have a strong immune system,
whether ....
It was during this period of anxious that I caught up with a slight flu. It made me worried even more! Could it be H1N1? Oh NO! Please no... I can't afford to have anything to do with the killer influenza. I prayed and cried...the moment I think my baby is in danger, my tears will roll down uncontrollably. I've endured the morning sickness, the early pregnancy bleeding and the bloating, etc., I could not afford to lose my baby.
Yesterday, at around 4.30am, I was awaken by a sharp pain in my left kidney. It seemed like labour was on the way. I got up and went to my little library to retrieve the pregnancy book my sis-in-law gave me. Quietly, I flipped through the pages to read the signs of labour. There was no blood stain and no sign of breakage of water...I started to monitor the pain. I wanted to wake my husband but I did not want him to be disappointed by a false labour. So, I prayed and quietly, fell asleep again after an hour of pain. So, it was, after all, a false labour.
This morning, I missed Sunday service because I felt that my immune has not recovered fully and it was best that I stay at home to avoid public places. My husband, who had a sore throat yesterday, has turned to have a serious flu. I am really worried. I have just recovered and I do not want to get hitched up with another flu, especially when I am so worried about my baby. I've asked him to visit the doctor but was fired back for being OVERLY ANXIOUS.
It is not about me, alone. It's about the BABY. Can't he be more understanding?
whether I am able to dilate and let the baby comes out naturally,
whether I am able to endure the pain of having "that part" being cut open,
whether I am able to breastfeed my baby,
whether my baby will have a strong immune system,
whether ....
It was during this period of anxious that I caught up with a slight flu. It made me worried even more! Could it be H1N1? Oh NO! Please no... I can't afford to have anything to do with the killer influenza. I prayed and cried...the moment I think my baby is in danger, my tears will roll down uncontrollably. I've endured the morning sickness, the early pregnancy bleeding and the bloating, etc., I could not afford to lose my baby.
Yesterday, at around 4.30am, I was awaken by a sharp pain in my left kidney. It seemed like labour was on the way. I got up and went to my little library to retrieve the pregnancy book my sis-in-law gave me. Quietly, I flipped through the pages to read the signs of labour. There was no blood stain and no sign of breakage of water...I started to monitor the pain. I wanted to wake my husband but I did not want him to be disappointed by a false labour. So, I prayed and quietly, fell asleep again after an hour of pain. So, it was, after all, a false labour.
This morning, I missed Sunday service because I felt that my immune has not recovered fully and it was best that I stay at home to avoid public places. My husband, who had a sore throat yesterday, has turned to have a serious flu. I am really worried. I have just recovered and I do not want to get hitched up with another flu, especially when I am so worried about my baby. I've asked him to visit the doctor but was fired back for being OVERLY ANXIOUS.
It is not about me, alone. It's about the BABY. Can't he be more understanding?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Passion versus Love
It came to me all of a sudden to think of what is passion, lust and love last week when my mind was idling while listening to the classical music. Many old memories came back to me. Yes, happy and sad. Those happy ones usually followed by sadness and most often, made me cried endlessly for weeks and months.
It all started with passion. I think most of the relationships start with passion. When we like someone, we blaze inside, the burning hot feeling and excitement each time that person appear.
This very guy, whom my friends thought to be casual had touched my heart. To me, he was someone special. He made his effort to give me surprises such as calling up after school and waiting eagerly in front of the kindergarten we both attended as children with a pack of Chipmores I mentioned during our chat the evening before. We cycled round the houses and chatted through the evening when there was no school. Everything was perfect. I on my side, tried to please him by making small souvenirs like stars as best wishes for his exams, cut my fingers while carving his Chinese name on a board to make a bookmark for him, wrote him letters, waited each evening for his call until 1am...
But just weeks later, after he came back from a camp, he called up to say he was sorry. It was like a dream and it was not meant to be. That was the end of the whole 'relationship'. I cried endlessly on my part and hoped he would return. I did all I could to salvage the lost feelings - the PASSION he once had with me but to no avail. Unlike me, he'd lost the passion and because love was not there, he lost interest in me while I was waiting stupidly for him and almost gave up my pre-varsity entry requirement exams.
I understand when people say, "I'm tired. So tired in this relationship." It is because when the passion has gone, and when love does not exists, there is nothing one can do to salvage the relationship.
Passion is so much different from Love. Passion is just a "hush" - a feeling of wanting to be with that person so eagerly that whatever you do, you'll be thinking of that person. It all comes from what we see. When we change our environment, we'll lost that kind of passion. Just for example, after the camp, my guy lost the passion towards me. He knew that I was not the girl he wanted. Maybe he'd seen another or many other more popular girls during the camp. Who knows? That's passion. Easy come, easy go. And usually, one of the party will be hurt... I was pressured into thinking about my unpleasant look. I did everything I could to make myself pleasant each time when I went out to meet him. It was so stressful though it was a meeting I was looking forward to but whenever I came home, I would be stressed out.
Love on the other hand uses the brain + heart, just like the promises couples made in front of the God on their wedding day: whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, young or old, etc. we'll still love each other and till death do us part.
When I look back, I understood why God gave me this husband. I believe no one would love me more than he could. As I was in crib condition during my early pregnancy, I did not get out of bed unless for toilet and food and occassionally TV, my husband had to make sure I've food on time for dinner. He would came to the toilet to check what I vomitted though he was in the midst of eating. And now, in the 5th month of pregnancy, my husband still make sure I eat on time and never forgets to kiss this FAT lady before going to work each morning. I could not imagine if I were with that very first guy...First, I would have to wake up earlier than him because I would not want to look ugly in front of him. Then, secondly, I would be so stressed up that I could not eat because I'm getting fatter each day during my pregnancy. Thirdly, he might not allow me to stay at home until my delivery.
When people say, "Love is blind", it does not mean doing all kinds of crimes along with your love one or committing suicide. It means being blind to that person's weaknesses. My husband is "blind" to my burping while I would be "blind" to his farting. Ha ha! It is because of our weaknesses that we learn to complement each other. My husband is weak in English and I would be there to help him while I'm low in self-esteem, my husband will be there to hug and encourage me with God's word.
I could not have stand up to be myself if it is not because of my husband who LOVES me as I am. If there was only passion in our relationship, my husband would have left me when he got to know my weaknesses. But we are learning each day on how to LOVE each other.
We love because God loves us first.
Note: if you're trying to figure out whether you really love someone, try changing environment. Eg. Going somewhere for holidays and get to know more friends (especially the opposite gender). Passion usually sparks up easily with new friends and subside when that person is out of sight.
Love is created and crafted each day with effort...
It all started with passion. I think most of the relationships start with passion. When we like someone, we blaze inside, the burning hot feeling and excitement each time that person appear.
This very guy, whom my friends thought to be casual had touched my heart. To me, he was someone special. He made his effort to give me surprises such as calling up after school and waiting eagerly in front of the kindergarten we both attended as children with a pack of Chipmores I mentioned during our chat the evening before. We cycled round the houses and chatted through the evening when there was no school. Everything was perfect. I on my side, tried to please him by making small souvenirs like stars as best wishes for his exams, cut my fingers while carving his Chinese name on a board to make a bookmark for him, wrote him letters, waited each evening for his call until 1am...
But just weeks later, after he came back from a camp, he called up to say he was sorry. It was like a dream and it was not meant to be. That was the end of the whole 'relationship'. I cried endlessly on my part and hoped he would return. I did all I could to salvage the lost feelings - the PASSION he once had with me but to no avail. Unlike me, he'd lost the passion and because love was not there, he lost interest in me while I was waiting stupidly for him and almost gave up my pre-varsity entry requirement exams.
I understand when people say, "I'm tired. So tired in this relationship." It is because when the passion has gone, and when love does not exists, there is nothing one can do to salvage the relationship.
Passion is so much different from Love. Passion is just a "hush" - a feeling of wanting to be with that person so eagerly that whatever you do, you'll be thinking of that person. It all comes from what we see. When we change our environment, we'll lost that kind of passion. Just for example, after the camp, my guy lost the passion towards me. He knew that I was not the girl he wanted. Maybe he'd seen another or many other more popular girls during the camp. Who knows? That's passion. Easy come, easy go. And usually, one of the party will be hurt... I was pressured into thinking about my unpleasant look. I did everything I could to make myself pleasant each time when I went out to meet him. It was so stressful though it was a meeting I was looking forward to but whenever I came home, I would be stressed out.
Love on the other hand uses the brain + heart, just like the promises couples made in front of the God on their wedding day: whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, young or old, etc. we'll still love each other and till death do us part.
When I look back, I understood why God gave me this husband. I believe no one would love me more than he could. As I was in crib condition during my early pregnancy, I did not get out of bed unless for toilet and food and occassionally TV, my husband had to make sure I've food on time for dinner. He would came to the toilet to check what I vomitted though he was in the midst of eating. And now, in the 5th month of pregnancy, my husband still make sure I eat on time and never forgets to kiss this FAT lady before going to work each morning. I could not imagine if I were with that very first guy...First, I would have to wake up earlier than him because I would not want to look ugly in front of him. Then, secondly, I would be so stressed up that I could not eat because I'm getting fatter each day during my pregnancy. Thirdly, he might not allow me to stay at home until my delivery.
When people say, "Love is blind", it does not mean doing all kinds of crimes along with your love one or committing suicide. It means being blind to that person's weaknesses. My husband is "blind" to my burping while I would be "blind" to his farting. Ha ha! It is because of our weaknesses that we learn to complement each other. My husband is weak in English and I would be there to help him while I'm low in self-esteem, my husband will be there to hug and encourage me with God's word.
I could not have stand up to be myself if it is not because of my husband who LOVES me as I am. If there was only passion in our relationship, my husband would have left me when he got to know my weaknesses. But we are learning each day on how to LOVE each other.
We love because God loves us first.
Note: if you're trying to figure out whether you really love someone, try changing environment. Eg. Going somewhere for holidays and get to know more friends (especially the opposite gender). Passion usually sparks up easily with new friends and subside when that person is out of sight.
Love is created and crafted each day with effort...
Friday, June 5, 2009
I realise...
I realise that I might be one of the most idle person on earth...
I realise that everyone else is so busy...
I realise that everyone else has his/her own problems and that's enough of burden...
I realise that you can't have a sincere listener unless they are paid for it...
I realise that everyone else is so busy...
I realise that everyone else has his/her own problems and that's enough of burden...
I realise that you can't have a sincere listener unless they are paid for it...
Last week, I felt really frustrated over the workers and their working attitude and since I could not find the solutions, I seek help from 2 of the people in my phone list whom I trust have their expertise in this. Unfortunately, to my disappointment, they were too busy. One promised to call but never called back. One did not even reply my SMS. Later in the evening, I started to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed because I feel that I should not have called/SMS them because both of them are busy people and how could they have time for me, such a slouch, who only calls/SMS when I've problem that I can't solve. So, I prayed that they forget about the whole incident and let it be.
Actually, deep down in my heart, I'm hurt...and still hurt. One of the person was my sister-in-law. I realise that I am just a "sister-in-law" without any blood tie with her and what does she owe me? Nothing. The thing she most often offered is money or presents because that's what she's has been working so hard for. And she listens whenever she feels like it or just listen to whatever she wants. So, it's rather useless to talk heart-to-heart with her. She doesn't have to rely on me whenever she has problems. She has her other siblings to share her problems, her sisters and brother. But me?
Actually, deep down in my heart, I'm hurt...and still hurt. One of the person was my sister-in-law. I realise that I am just a "sister-in-law" without any blood tie with her and what does she owe me? Nothing. The thing she most often offered is money or presents because that's what she's has been working so hard for. And she listens whenever she feels like it or just listen to whatever she wants. So, it's rather useless to talk heart-to-heart with her. She doesn't have to rely on me whenever she has problems. She has her other siblings to share her problems, her sisters and brother. But me?
Friday, May 29, 2009
New Staff
I was hoping for one good staff to replace the one who left so that I do not have to worry about the job and can be at ease. I was so glad that finally, I was told that the company has hired an ex-clerk in a law firm. Hmm...Mom used to tell the stories of my uncles who worked as clerks in law firms and ended up being bosses themselves. I believe that a clerk in a law firm should be well-disciplined and trained and looked forward to meet the new staff.
The very first day, my duty was to teach her the priority tasks which she is supposed to do every other day. Before I left the office, I left a note on the things which she needs to do for the rest of the day.
On the second day when I reached the office, I found that she has not finished the task I've given her on the first day. I was a little disappointed. I bit my lips and said to myself that she needs time. Well, she is slow in understanding but that does not mean she can't work. She needs time. OK.
On the third day, I saw some improvement in her. At least the initiative to "DO" something instead of looking blankly at me. So, I taught her some new tasks and asked her to follow up - such as filing, calling up the creditor, etc.
On the fourth day, I was totally in awe to find that all the files were in a mess; out of the previous arrangement. It meant that she took out the files without realising where she took it and simply put them back in whatever place she could chuck. When I checked the files, I found that the letters and documents I asked her to file were all filed in the wrong files! Blood gushed so quickly to my brain and I feel like kicking her off just like that...Ok. not so mean.
I wondered how could she filed the documents wrongly! It's either she did not read the documents and simply chuck in whatever file she took by chance OR she did not know how to differentiate between the documents. It was a TOTAL DISASTER!
The very first day, my duty was to teach her the priority tasks which she is supposed to do every other day. Before I left the office, I left a note on the things which she needs to do for the rest of the day.
On the second day when I reached the office, I found that she has not finished the task I've given her on the first day. I was a little disappointed. I bit my lips and said to myself that she needs time. Well, she is slow in understanding but that does not mean she can't work. She needs time. OK.
On the third day, I saw some improvement in her. At least the initiative to "DO" something instead of looking blankly at me. So, I taught her some new tasks and asked her to follow up - such as filing, calling up the creditor, etc.
On the fourth day, I was totally in awe to find that all the files were in a mess; out of the previous arrangement. It meant that she took out the files without realising where she took it and simply put them back in whatever place she could chuck. When I checked the files, I found that the letters and documents I asked her to file were all filed in the wrong files! Blood gushed so quickly to my brain and I feel like kicking her off just like that...Ok. not so mean.
I wondered how could she filed the documents wrongly! It's either she did not read the documents and simply chuck in whatever file she took by chance OR she did not know how to differentiate between the documents. It was a TOTAL DISASTER!
Friday, May 22, 2009
My B-day!
Yesterday was my birthday. Errm... I was not as excited as I used to be. Maybe because my priority now is not myself anymore but the one in my tummy! As long as my baby is strong and healthy, I don't care if there is actually no one sending me sms or calling me up to wish me a "Happy Birthday". In fact, I think I've got what I wanted.
Only ONE friend sent an sms to me wishing me happy birthday. Then, I've got another 2 sending birthday wishes through Facebook and email. I received another 2 through Facebook today. If it were not of Facebook, I think I would be long forgotten, being a rotten and mouldy mushroom somewhere nobody notices.
Thanks to my family members - my husband and mom took me out for dinner. While my brother was the first to send his wishes on my birthday.
It all come back to zero. All those years of multiplied friends and friend-ships, destroyed through the 'storms' of time, hectic work, family, etc etc. What is left is just a mere, "we were once friends" note in the gray cell up there.
Whatever it is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Cheers...
Only ONE friend sent an sms to me wishing me happy birthday. Then, I've got another 2 sending birthday wishes through Facebook and email. I received another 2 through Facebook today. If it were not of Facebook, I think I would be long forgotten, being a rotten and mouldy mushroom somewhere nobody notices.
Thanks to my family members - my husband and mom took me out for dinner. While my brother was the first to send his wishes on my birthday.
It all come back to zero. All those years of multiplied friends and friend-ships, destroyed through the 'storms' of time, hectic work, family, etc etc. What is left is just a mere, "we were once friends" note in the gray cell up there.
Whatever it is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Cheers...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
14th Week Treasure
It has been quite some time since my last posting. I've been lying on bed most of the time because of my gastric. Last week, my gastric had infected my rib bones causing the bones to hurt so much. I could not even stand straight nor sit comfortably on a chair.
This is the second full month that I stayed at home, like a bird in a cage. Nevertheless, I am not bored at all. Though I feel uncertain and moody at times, I like staying at home. I feel comfortable, secured and most of all, I can rest whenever I wanted to.
Last Sunday, my husband brought back a book "Supernatural Childbirth" given by one of the sister in Christ. I put the book aside because my bones hurt so much so that I don't feel like doing anything at all except lying flat on the bed. One day, two days...I finally picked up the book and started to read and I just can't seem to put down the book again!
I finished the book on the same day and felt charged. It let me know God once more, my Saviour, Jesus Christ, who has redeemed me with His precious blood. With the testimonies from the book, I felt assured that the God I believe is righteous and He keeps His promises.
I started to pray earnestly and to my amazement, my rib bones and gastric got better sooner than I've ever thought! I was able to go out with my mom yesterday and the day before to pay the utility bills and had a tea. It was incredible! God listened to my prayer. He is always here.
Thank you, Jesus. I hope many others will know about Your love and sacrifices.
This is the second full month that I stayed at home, like a bird in a cage. Nevertheless, I am not bored at all. Though I feel uncertain and moody at times, I like staying at home. I feel comfortable, secured and most of all, I can rest whenever I wanted to.
Last Sunday, my husband brought back a book "Supernatural Childbirth" given by one of the sister in Christ. I put the book aside because my bones hurt so much so that I don't feel like doing anything at all except lying flat on the bed. One day, two days...I finally picked up the book and started to read and I just can't seem to put down the book again!
I finished the book on the same day and felt charged. It let me know God once more, my Saviour, Jesus Christ, who has redeemed me with His precious blood. With the testimonies from the book, I felt assured that the God I believe is righteous and He keeps His promises.
I started to pray earnestly and to my amazement, my rib bones and gastric got better sooner than I've ever thought! I was able to go out with my mom yesterday and the day before to pay the utility bills and had a tea. It was incredible! God listened to my prayer. He is always here.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
An Analysis of the story of Cinderella
I just finished watching a Korean drama: Full House. It has been quite some time since I watch such drama. This lovey-dovey drama just don't fit into life and watching them made me devastated on how cruel life could be!
Ha! Anyway, I like the actor, Rain so much after watching the drama. And I soon realised that the story of Cinderella could only work for people who are willing to spend.
1) Opportunity - if there is no such party, Cinderella would not be able to show up to the prince.
2) Spend - if Cinderella did not spend time and effort to dress up, the prince would not have noticed her.
Life is mean. Usually, the rich will get the rich and the poor will get the poor. It's all in the Chinese proverb: A bamboo door should be paired with another bamboo door while a wooden door to be paired with another wooden door.
Just like in the story Full House, if the main character did not get a first class flight, she would not have bumped into the actor and got to know him and further the relationship. It all has to start somewhere...somewhere where the rich go, spend their time...One will not be able to get to know the rich unless he/she lives like one.
Cruel reality!
Ha! Anyway, I like the actor, Rain so much after watching the drama. And I soon realised that the story of Cinderella could only work for people who are willing to spend.
1) Opportunity - if there is no such party, Cinderella would not be able to show up to the prince.
2) Spend - if Cinderella did not spend time and effort to dress up, the prince would not have noticed her.
Life is mean. Usually, the rich will get the rich and the poor will get the poor. It's all in the Chinese proverb: A bamboo door should be paired with another bamboo door while a wooden door to be paired with another wooden door.
Just like in the story Full House, if the main character did not get a first class flight, she would not have bumped into the actor and got to know him and further the relationship. It all has to start somewhere...somewhere where the rich go, spend their time...One will not be able to get to know the rich unless he/she lives like one.
Cruel reality!
8 & 9th week treasure
I cried when the food just don't digest.
I cried when I feel lonely.
I cried so often I don't know why I cried.
A church member called and told me that my emotion affects the baby deeply. So, to have a happy child, the mother should be laughing all the time rather than crying.
Hmm...the moment I've been waiting for...to see the doctor!
When I see my baby through the ultrasound, I felt comforted. My baby's head, tummy and legs. And the heart beats like a star, twinkling away.
How happy it is to be able to be a mother!
I cried when I feel lonely.
I cried so often I don't know why I cried.
A church member called and told me that my emotion affects the baby deeply. So, to have a happy child, the mother should be laughing all the time rather than crying.
Hmm...the moment I've been waiting for...to see the doctor!
When I see my baby through the ultrasound, I felt comforted. My baby's head, tummy and legs. And the heart beats like a star, twinkling away.
How happy it is to be able to be a mother!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
7th Week Treasure
My morning sickness did not get any better. I could not eat well and it's either I vomit after I eat or I feel dizzy. I can't go to work nor stand up straight. I felt a huge discomfort in my tummy.
My worry is with me each time I go to toilet. When I see the sign of blood, my heart would go worry, worry, worry...
I talked to my baby. I want her/him to be strong. We're going for a battle...and I know it's not only me and my baby. But God will be with me.
God always has the best plan.
My worry is with me each time I go to toilet. When I see the sign of blood, my heart would go worry, worry, worry...
I talked to my baby. I want her/him to be strong. We're going for a battle...and I know it's not only me and my baby. But God will be with me.
God always has the best plan.
6th Week Treasure
I did not know what was wrong with me because my gastric just would not heal. My mom suspected that I might be pregnant. I brushed it off the very first time she told me. But when I kept vomiting and I don't seem to get any better, I seek the doctor for vaccination.
The doctor also suspected that I was pregnant. I said it's quite impossible as I took Provera medication which was going to make me bleed. How could I be pregnant then? But the truth proved I was wrong.
I AM PREGNANT!
It was an utmost joy though I was too weak to receive the trophy. Nevertheless, the fear from my first miscarriage haunt me for days to come...
I prayed and I knew this pregnancy was gifted by God. I suddenly remembered that last year while I was fasting and praying, I came across a verse in the Bible which says, "Ask and you'll be given." So, I asked boldly for Jesus to give me a child. And there was a *TINK* feeling in me. I had the instinct that God will eventually give me a child by the coming year. And BINGO, I'm pregnant.
I went for ultrasound check and...my heart leaped with joy. I saw the embryo, small as it was, and enlarged in the screen, I saw it twinkle like a star. The doctor said that's the heartbeats.
How miraculous and beautiful...the work of life! Only God knows how to implant such technical and systematic little thing into the tummy of a mom-to-be.
The doctor also suspected that I was pregnant. I said it's quite impossible as I took Provera medication which was going to make me bleed. How could I be pregnant then? But the truth proved I was wrong.
I AM PREGNANT!
It was an utmost joy though I was too weak to receive the trophy. Nevertheless, the fear from my first miscarriage haunt me for days to come...
I prayed and I knew this pregnancy was gifted by God. I suddenly remembered that last year while I was fasting and praying, I came across a verse in the Bible which says, "Ask and you'll be given." So, I asked boldly for Jesus to give me a child. And there was a *TINK* feeling in me. I had the instinct that God will eventually give me a child by the coming year. And BINGO, I'm pregnant.
I went for ultrasound check and...my heart leaped with joy. I saw the embryo, small as it was, and enlarged in the screen, I saw it twinkle like a star. The doctor said that's the heartbeats.
How miraculous and beautiful...the work of life! Only God knows how to implant such technical and systematic little thing into the tummy of a mom-to-be.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Food Poisoning
For the last one week, I was extremely sick.
Just after my presentation, my husband brought me to visit his sister and nephew. We went for movie and a great Japanese dinner.
A day after the food, I fell ill. My stomach was bloated and I vomited. Lying on the bed most of the time, I cried tears of silent. My husband tried rubbing my tummy with oil. But nothing helps. I visited Chinese sinseh but the medicine just wouldn't work!
The feeling of horror struck me. I thought of how dad suffered alone. Yes. No one would understand the pain of the sick unless we experience it ourselves. My tears flowed freely whenever I thought of how painful my tummy was.
My family blamed it on the raw salmon I ate in the Japanese restaurant.
"How many times must I tell you not to eat raw food?" Mom grumbled and walked away angrily.
Just after my presentation, my husband brought me to visit his sister and nephew. We went for movie and a great Japanese dinner.
A day after the food, I fell ill. My stomach was bloated and I vomited. Lying on the bed most of the time, I cried tears of silent. My husband tried rubbing my tummy with oil. But nothing helps. I visited Chinese sinseh but the medicine just wouldn't work!
The feeling of horror struck me. I thought of how dad suffered alone. Yes. No one would understand the pain of the sick unless we experience it ourselves. My tears flowed freely whenever I thought of how painful my tummy was.
My family blamed it on the raw salmon I ate in the Japanese restaurant.
"How many times must I tell you not to eat raw food?" Mom grumbled and walked away angrily.
My husband looked on.
I just had to endure...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Close yet apart
I thanked my old friend, GCL for dropping by to read my boring blog. I suppose nobody would read the blog of another unless it is of someone famous or glamourous. My sincere thanks to him for being so graceful in spending time to cheer this friend.
Just like him, I felt that the technology is growing real fast and we're like lacking behind, not knowing very much on how to function it. Just like when I've got invitations to join Friendster, it took me some months before I agreed to join and learned how to operate it. Finally, when I thought I've knew almost all the forms and functions of it, I got a new invitation to join Facebook. It's like a never ending technology meant to "draw people closer".
Yupe! Thanks to Facebook, I get to know how many of my old OLD friends were doing. Those friends of 20 years!
At the first few chats, it was always what we are doing and how life has been. Then, came the monotonous life and the relationship ended abruptly just like what happened 20 years ago. Does that mean a broken friendship should be left just like? Should it be left untouched?
I don't know. I tried sending sms to my old friends asking them what they were doing and should they have any outing, they can give me a call. But none call up. Hmmm...in their mind, they're doing what is right - they leave me to my husband. Yes, I've a husband. But that does not mean I'll leave all my friends.
Now, I'm not the one leaving them... but they are!
FRIENDS
We are so close, seeing each other through Facebook and Friendsters so often yet so far apart!
Just like him, I felt that the technology is growing real fast and we're like lacking behind, not knowing very much on how to function it. Just like when I've got invitations to join Friendster, it took me some months before I agreed to join and learned how to operate it. Finally, when I thought I've knew almost all the forms and functions of it, I got a new invitation to join Facebook. It's like a never ending technology meant to "draw people closer".
Yupe! Thanks to Facebook, I get to know how many of my old OLD friends were doing. Those friends of 20 years!
At the first few chats, it was always what we are doing and how life has been. Then, came the monotonous life and the relationship ended abruptly just like what happened 20 years ago. Does that mean a broken friendship should be left just like? Should it be left untouched?
I don't know. I tried sending sms to my old friends asking them what they were doing and should they have any outing, they can give me a call. But none call up. Hmmm...in their mind, they're doing what is right - they leave me to my husband. Yes, I've a husband. But that does not mean I'll leave all my friends.
Now, I'm not the one leaving them... but they are!
FRIENDS
We are so close, seeing each other through Facebook and Friendsters so often yet so far apart!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Presentation
The day that I had waited eagerly came and gone.
That morning was a tensed one. I arrived in uni and in front of the presentation room at 10am, an hour and 20 minutes earlier before the given time for my presentation. My friends were all appointed an earlier slot than I. I was the last among them. HUH!
I waited and waited. Candidates spent more time than expected in the room. 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins..time ran slowly. I wished I was the first. Nevertheless, the arrangement was good.
When it was my turn, it was already 12.30pm, one hour later than the given appointment. I could sense the tiredness in the panels' eyes. Nevertheless, they tried to pose some questions. I didn't really answer all the questions because my supervisor was there to help and assist. Though I did a few mistakes in my analysis, I felt good that the presentation ended in a good way with praises from my supervisor and the others.
I'm relief.
But the second round has yet begun...
That morning was a tensed one. I arrived in uni and in front of the presentation room at 10am, an hour and 20 minutes earlier before the given time for my presentation. My friends were all appointed an earlier slot than I. I was the last among them. HUH!
I waited and waited. Candidates spent more time than expected in the room. 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins..time ran slowly. I wished I was the first. Nevertheless, the arrangement was good.
When it was my turn, it was already 12.30pm, one hour later than the given appointment. I could sense the tiredness in the panels' eyes. Nevertheless, they tried to pose some questions. I didn't really answer all the questions because my supervisor was there to help and assist. Though I did a few mistakes in my analysis, I felt good that the presentation ended in a good way with praises from my supervisor and the others.
I'm relief.
But the second round has yet begun...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Point to Ponder
Human defence themselves when they sense danger is lurking around. So, they'll think of all sorts of opportunity to hit or attack the danger before the danger attacks them. So, naturally, one who gets angry will OFTEN BLAME others for making them angry. Most often than not, we'll say, "You're the one who makes me angry. If it were not you, I'd be in a good mood today...etc.."
Jesus did not retaliate or try to protect Himself against the accuses. Neither did He curse the people nor kept a vengeance against them. Why should I?
In fact, even in his last breath, He pleaded with the Father to forgive the people who had sinned against Him for "they did not know what they were doing".
I told my mom that I'll feel guilty after I scolded someone, whether or not that person did the wrong thing. I mean, whether I'm at the right end, I should not be scolding people at all! At the end of the day, I'll pray for God's forgiveness.
If only I have a bigger heart to forgive that person, I won't get angry.
If only I don't think highly of myself being superior to that person, I won't condemn the job s/he has done.
Those are the truth I believe and hope to be done.
Quote to ponder:
If you want to be angry, be responsible for your anger.
Blame no one for making you angry because no one can get to your nerves unless you let them to.
Jesus did not retaliate or try to protect Himself against the accuses. Neither did He curse the people nor kept a vengeance against them. Why should I?
In fact, even in his last breath, He pleaded with the Father to forgive the people who had sinned against Him for "they did not know what they were doing".
I told my mom that I'll feel guilty after I scolded someone, whether or not that person did the wrong thing. I mean, whether I'm at the right end, I should not be scolding people at all! At the end of the day, I'll pray for God's forgiveness.
If only I have a bigger heart to forgive that person, I won't get angry.
If only I don't think highly of myself being superior to that person, I won't condemn the job s/he has done.
Those are the truth I believe and hope to be done.
Quote to ponder:
If you want to be angry, be responsible for your anger.
Blame no one for making you angry because no one can get to your nerves unless you let them to.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Huge Comfort
Yesterday, I stayed at home the whole day, not knowing what I should be doing. I was moody and due to the PMS and the medication I'm taking, I felt even worse.
Nevertheless, after attending the prayer meeting, I felt recharged.
The sharing was extremely good and it opened my eyes to understanding Bible to a deeper level. I've always read Bible on the surface level, thus not able to dig deep into the meaning of each and every word of God. Through the explanation from the speaker, I felt my conscious was knocking at the door again.
"Good and faithful."
Good - kind, tender, loving, understanding, honest, hardworking, whatever that should be of good nature.
Faithful - loyal
The prayers also helped me to understand that the difficulty I was facing was just a drop of water in the ocean. It really does not matter that much...It mattered because I took a magnifying glass to look at it. It was like looking at an ant with a magnifying glass, forgetting the rest of the things around it. But when I heard news of wars, politics, the underprivileged and the sick, I felt I was so much luckier. Whatever challenges that I've to face, I still have choices to choose from. I don't have to bump my head against the wall or cried my eyes out just because a teacher scolded me in the public!
I've to admit that the incident scared me and brought back deep painful memories of my dad, holding the dictatorship of punishing people the way he liked. I cried tears of fear. But I felt relieved that God will always be here to hold my hands and lead me back home, to the one I loved. It does not matter how much people hurt me because God has it all. He is righteous and He's seeing this from Heaven. Do I need to explain more?
He knows what I needed most and how painful I was and He always knows how to bring back His child's confidence.
Thank you, Jesus Christ.
Nevertheless, after attending the prayer meeting, I felt recharged.
The sharing was extremely good and it opened my eyes to understanding Bible to a deeper level. I've always read Bible on the surface level, thus not able to dig deep into the meaning of each and every word of God. Through the explanation from the speaker, I felt my conscious was knocking at the door again.
"Good and faithful."
Good - kind, tender, loving, understanding, honest, hardworking, whatever that should be of good nature.
Faithful - loyal
The prayers also helped me to understand that the difficulty I was facing was just a drop of water in the ocean. It really does not matter that much...It mattered because I took a magnifying glass to look at it. It was like looking at an ant with a magnifying glass, forgetting the rest of the things around it. But when I heard news of wars, politics, the underprivileged and the sick, I felt I was so much luckier. Whatever challenges that I've to face, I still have choices to choose from. I don't have to bump my head against the wall or cried my eyes out just because a teacher scolded me in the public!
I've to admit that the incident scared me and brought back deep painful memories of my dad, holding the dictatorship of punishing people the way he liked. I cried tears of fear. But I felt relieved that God will always be here to hold my hands and lead me back home, to the one I loved. It does not matter how much people hurt me because God has it all. He is righteous and He's seeing this from Heaven. Do I need to explain more?
He knows what I needed most and how painful I was and He always knows how to bring back His child's confidence.
Thank you, Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Status Consciousness
Last few weeks, when I was in the varsity, I had a terrible stomachache. As the ground floor's toilet was full, I went up to the first floor only to find that the toilet's door was broken. So, I went up to the second floor. I found a good place to do my "business". While I was washing my hands, a lecturer came in. She looked at me despicably.
"Are you a student?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered as I took my tumbler and put the sling on my shoulder.
"You're not supposed to use this toilet," she said.
"But the toilet downstairs are full," I answered softly.
"Full?" She asked unbelievingly and continued, "Don't use this toilet the next time."
I nodded, embarrassed for being reprimanded and walked away.
It was after all, a TOILET!
To me, a toilet is a toilet. It's for people to wee or pass motion. But to the lecturer, it's THE LECTURERS' TOILET and could ONLY be used by lecturers. That's the difference.
I learned that when you've reached a certain status in the society, you'll want people to think and speak to you differently. Don't say, "Nah...it's only for the ignorant." It's not. When you're an Executive, you'd want your clerk to obey your command and when you're a Manager, you'd want your Executive, clerks, typist, secretary, etc. to obey your command and be at your mercy at all time.
This is our culture. The culture of third-class mentality. There would not be equality. Even a toilet is differentiated between those for the lecturers and those for the students. There's absolutely no FRIENDSHIP between a lecturer and a student. It's all a matter of teaching and learning.
It's a sad case to find. I always wanted my students to treat me like their friends. I don't mind to listen to their problems or ask them come to my house or make jokes with them as long as they're learning.
Maybe I don't feel the gap because I'm just a normal teacher, a lowly teacher without any high qualification (only degree, ok?). My mom said that if I managed to get to the doctorate level, I would think differently. I would want my students to respect and READ my work and write them in their own work. So, if you've finished a doctorate, you'll want people to greet you as Doctor. No more Mr / Ms /Madam. You'll want be glamourous. That's status and that's what makes the society today! Going after something. The more the better. The more the merrier.
I could only pray to God that He humbles me and let me always think of the underprivileged. May His wisdom come upon me and the Holy Spirit lives in me so that I will not for ONE DAY think I'm any superior than the rest of His creation...because I'm only a human, who will waste away and die like any others. I want people to remember me as someone loving, kind and tender rather than a grumpy lady that no one likes. When you leave, history remains...
"Are you a student?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered as I took my tumbler and put the sling on my shoulder.
"You're not supposed to use this toilet," she said.
"But the toilet downstairs are full," I answered softly.
"Full?" She asked unbelievingly and continued, "Don't use this toilet the next time."
I nodded, embarrassed for being reprimanded and walked away.
It was after all, a TOILET!
To me, a toilet is a toilet. It's for people to wee or pass motion. But to the lecturer, it's THE LECTURERS' TOILET and could ONLY be used by lecturers. That's the difference.
I learned that when you've reached a certain status in the society, you'll want people to think and speak to you differently. Don't say, "Nah...it's only for the ignorant." It's not. When you're an Executive, you'd want your clerk to obey your command and when you're a Manager, you'd want your Executive, clerks, typist, secretary, etc. to obey your command and be at your mercy at all time.
This is our culture. The culture of third-class mentality. There would not be equality. Even a toilet is differentiated between those for the lecturers and those for the students. There's absolutely no FRIENDSHIP between a lecturer and a student. It's all a matter of teaching and learning.
It's a sad case to find. I always wanted my students to treat me like their friends. I don't mind to listen to their problems or ask them come to my house or make jokes with them as long as they're learning.
Maybe I don't feel the gap because I'm just a normal teacher, a lowly teacher without any high qualification (only degree, ok?). My mom said that if I managed to get to the doctorate level, I would think differently. I would want my students to respect and READ my work and write them in their own work. So, if you've finished a doctorate, you'll want people to greet you as Doctor. No more Mr / Ms /Madam. You'll want be glamourous. That's status and that's what makes the society today! Going after something. The more the better. The more the merrier.
I could only pray to God that He humbles me and let me always think of the underprivileged. May His wisdom come upon me and the Holy Spirit lives in me so that I will not for ONE DAY think I'm any superior than the rest of His creation...because I'm only a human, who will waste away and die like any others. I want people to remember me as someone loving, kind and tender rather than a grumpy lady that no one likes. When you leave, history remains...
The deja vu fear
Today I went through a shocking fear after meeting with NST.
Like usual, she threw her tantrum in front of me and my other friends. I felt like crying but I kept bitting my lips. She was at the shouting level and I could feel, if I'm a seven-year-old kid, she would want to twist my ear and pinch my arm. I dared not even look at her. She flared up and all I could see through the corner of my eyes were she kept finger-pointing at me and shouting at how ungrateful I was. I tried to explain but she shouted even louder. All I could do was head down and swallow my tears.
When I got into my car, I started crying. I cried so badly, I thanked God that the flood of tears did not make me bump into cars. I wished to hold Jesus near, close by because I knew it so much that only Him, only God is loving, kind, tender and forgiving. He will not pick on small mistakes nor hurting someone to the point of wanting that person to lie death in front of Him. I wanted Jesus. I knew only He could heal me.
I cried and cried till my heart, my throat and my lung hurt. I did not know what I could do to stop the pain in me. It's the deja vu fear.
My dad was an aggressive man. He scolded and beat my brother and I. I was lucky to be beaten the least. Nevertheless, when dad scolded someone, that person had to look down, feel sorry and not give any reply. Otherwise, a further punishment would be placed on that person. I felt that NST was all the same like my dad when she started scolding. And just like my dad, she would be asking questions and hoping that I won't be replying. How the same! I'd lived with my aggressive dad for the past 27 years, under his iron-fist and now...
I don't understand at all. But through this experience, I learned 3 things:
1) God is loving, tender, forgiving and understanding
2) No one is perfect
3) I've to look at things the positive way. eg. NST scolded rightly. I'll take the initiative to work harder RATHER THAN saying she condemns me and I'll be dead meat before I knew it.
Now, my heartache does not stop there. My friends think I deserved to be scolded and reprimanded. As such, I didn't get any consolation nor comforting words from them. That's LIFE!
Like usual, she threw her tantrum in front of me and my other friends. I felt like crying but I kept bitting my lips. She was at the shouting level and I could feel, if I'm a seven-year-old kid, she would want to twist my ear and pinch my arm. I dared not even look at her. She flared up and all I could see through the corner of my eyes were she kept finger-pointing at me and shouting at how ungrateful I was. I tried to explain but she shouted even louder. All I could do was head down and swallow my tears.
When I got into my car, I started crying. I cried so badly, I thanked God that the flood of tears did not make me bump into cars. I wished to hold Jesus near, close by because I knew it so much that only Him, only God is loving, kind, tender and forgiving. He will not pick on small mistakes nor hurting someone to the point of wanting that person to lie death in front of Him. I wanted Jesus. I knew only He could heal me.
I cried and cried till my heart, my throat and my lung hurt. I did not know what I could do to stop the pain in me. It's the deja vu fear.
My dad was an aggressive man. He scolded and beat my brother and I. I was lucky to be beaten the least. Nevertheless, when dad scolded someone, that person had to look down, feel sorry and not give any reply. Otherwise, a further punishment would be placed on that person. I felt that NST was all the same like my dad when she started scolding. And just like my dad, she would be asking questions and hoping that I won't be replying. How the same! I'd lived with my aggressive dad for the past 27 years, under his iron-fist and now...
I don't understand at all. But through this experience, I learned 3 things:
1) God is loving, tender, forgiving and understanding
2) No one is perfect
3) I've to look at things the positive way. eg. NST scolded rightly. I'll take the initiative to work harder RATHER THAN saying she condemns me and I'll be dead meat before I knew it.
Now, my heartache does not stop there. My friends think I deserved to be scolded and reprimanded. As such, I didn't get any consolation nor comforting words from them. That's LIFE!
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