Multibeans soup as dessert

This is what I had for my supper - a multibeans soup!

Well, it was actually my mom's dinner. She went for a food compatibility test and found that she was allergic to all kinds of grains and bread! So, it ended up that she has to take beans as her main meal.

So, while preparing her dinner, I thought why not I make more of it so that I can eat them too.

There are red, green and black beans. Actually, black beans need to be soaked in the water for at least 30 minutes before cooking them but I was a little lack of time this evening and poured everything into the pot straightaway.

After the water boiled, I turned to low heat to simmer the soup for another 2 hours.

My mom can't take sugar and I had to scoop out her portion before adding 1 1/2 tablespoon of brown sugar into the rest of the soup.

My mom complained of the hard texture of the black beans but I like them! They are crunchy and that gave my teeth some good bites. Although I am not teething, I find biting on something crunchy quite engaging.

To make this soup:
1) 1/2 cup of green beans, 1/2 cup of red beans and 1 cup of black beans
2) 1.5 litre of filtered water (or if you like more water, add in more water)
3) wash all beans and pour into the pot with water
4) cook under high heat till the soup boils
5) turn to low heat & boil for another 2 hours
6) Add in 2 to 3 tablespoons of brown sugar (or to your taste)

Viola! You have something for supper!

New Year Reunion

I went to Johor for the Chinese New Year with my husband and son, just like the previous years. My husband's mother is still living in Johor and unlike his father (Papa), his mother (Mama) still prefer very much to live in Johor. Mama is still very alert and strong at the age of 70 and working very hard in a restaurant handed down by her mother. 

For the previous years, I felt an extreme pressure for meeting the in-laws, especially my sister-in-law, who was found to be very money-minded. This year, though, I left everything to God, praying daily for a better relationship with the in-laws. 

Viola! God opened the path for me. I had a great time with my in-laws after all these years of marriage! It was great talking and learning from my sis-in-law and her husband about money sense. Yes, no doubt, my sis-in-law is a money minded person, but as we stayed together in the same house for the past 5 days, she did not keep to herself on successful child raising nor avoiding my little toddler who went to her now and then. 

I learned that as long as we are willing to be opened, there are just things to learn from everyone...Yes, God created us different so that we can learn from each other and because of the differences, we are suppose to COMPLEMENT and COMPLETE each other and not COMPETE with each other. 

This world is a mean one, going to be a meaner one with the economy down and the gap getting larger ...So, it is time to learn to appreciate each other's existence.

Bah Kut Teh

Last Sunday, while talking with a friend of mine, we thought of writing about food and recipes in dual languages; English and Mandarin, so more people can benefit from our sites. Long story cut short, it all ended up that English is still the preferred language for our blogs. hmm....

Anyway, that very Sunday, my husband and I went to my husband's favourite Bah Kut Teh restaurant. It was the Grandpa Restaurant in Selayang. Here I have to stress that my husband :

1) is picky with food.
2) eats only LEAN MEAT.
3) is health conscious.
4) does not eat Bah Kut Teh.

Now, you might be wondering why would a health conscious person eats at a Bah Kut Teh restaurant? The reason is simple - we ordered only LEAN MEAT and my husband's all time favourite in that shop is not Bah Kut Teh but their stewed pork. You know, those pork cooked for a long time in black sauce. Unfortunately, that day we were late and the stewed pork had finished. We were left with no other choices except fish head curry and Bah Kut Teh. So we ended up ordering Bah Kut Teh for two (lean meat ONLY, please) and a plate of vege (small size) with two glasses of warm water.

When the food arrived, I fed my son first with the white rice and Bah Kut Teh soup. Voila! My son finished his meal in about 10 minutes and you can tell that he liked the soup very much because after that he kept asking for more. Well, when I get my hand on the vege, it was already quite cold. Nevertheless, the oyster sauce on the vege, which melted in my mouth, was enough to top up whatever deducted points. I'll give the vege 6/10. As for the soup, it's temperature was just right and I liked the sweetness of it. I wondered what they put in, but my husband and I just couldn't get our hands off the soup. We finished it to the last drop and asked for more TWICE. I've to give the soup 8/10 though I am not sure whether they put any "special" spices in it. Anyway, I later found that when I reached home I kept getting thirsty. 

The restaurant's workers were friendly and the restaurant was clean from what we saw. And the whole meal cost RM25.90 with an additional bowl of rice. Three thumbs up for the restaurant.

p/s: Though I find that the price was quite expensive, but we have to understand that pork prices have been going up. 

The comments are all based on individual taste and have no intention of causing any damages to the restaurant or whatsoever.

Bliss in Disguise

It has been quite some time since my last post. HUH!

My baby has another cold now. It is the 8th day. Thank God, he starts to have appetite for fruits again. He rejected fruits, I forgot since when, and I was so depressed that he even started to reject his meal.

Today, however, he ate banana, apple and papaya!!! How happy was I!

What does a mother want? I just want a healthy and cheerful growing baby...and of course, an obedient, responsible, gentle,... (and the list goes on)...

It may only take months for pregnancy and hours to give birth but it takes a LIFE TIME to care for one child...
But I'm happy to do it...for he is my child...my son...the best gift from God...

What are you waiting for?

This afternoon, while I was humming a song and patting my son to sleep, a sister in Christ, around my age, was in the emergency ward, fighting for life.

When I received the first SMS to pray for her when she was in the emergency ward, I felt sad for her. She has a son, which is not even one year old. She has so many things she wanted to do with her son, but...

When I received the second SMS informing me that she has passed away, I can't control  myself but cried. I am a bit emotional. Though we were not that close, but the fact that she passed away was drastic. How would her son accept the fact? He would then have to grow up without his mother.

These few days I have been thinking a lot . A lot of friends around fell sick and depressed. It slows me down to think and finished two books -"Have A Little Faith" by Mitch Albom and "Fish! for Life" by Stephen, Christensen and Paul.

 

What is the goal in life? I've been questioning myself. What have I achieved so far?

I think it is not what we HAVE but what we HAVE BEEN will be remembered. When we leave, we take nothing with us. We leave memories for others to cherish.

I remembered that when I was pregnant, I always drown myself in the sea of self-pity. I don't have pretty maternity clothes to wear. I don't eat much of those expensive bird nests. I don't have a mother or mother-in-law to cook me delicious soups. Nevertheless, God did a very touching thing. He sent his angel through sisters in Christ to care for me. Some even sent me soup! A sister once told me, "I get this love and I wanted to share it with the people I know." 

Are we passing around the LOVE we get? Are we too busy to notice the people who care for us? Are we making the day for others? 

We will never know whether others will remember us for life but who knows, our slightest move will cheer up a life on earth.

Jesus loves me. He loves you too...Do pass the love around. I am sure the love has been passed on to you and all you need to do is to give a little effort to make the day for someone else.

Second Course of Antibiotics

It is nearing a month from the first day that my son fell sick. His fever came and gone, came and gone, then cough and flu and recently, fever again. I just did not know what went wrong. Yesterday, we brought him to the fourth doctor. 

Doctor said that his tonsils are swollen and have white dots all over it. It is the sign of throat infection and the reason for the prolong fever. And he should be given antibiotics. I hesitated at first for giving him antibiotics. Frankly, if possible, I would avoid anything to do with antibiotics. And with recent reports from the newspaper that antibiotics will mess up the stomach and so on, it proves that antibiotics will do more harm to the body than good. We would prefer probiotics if possible, but not this time. Doctor said there is no other choice than antibiotics. 

When I reached home, I opened the box and read the instructions. I do not like the "Side Effects" part. Reading it made me shiver and refuse to let my son have the antibiotics. Nevertheless, long story cut short, I gave him at last. When I was thinking how much of harm the antibiotics would do to him, I was also thinking  on how much harm the throat infection would do to him. The infection could be worse than the antibiotics itself. 

Now, my son is going through the second course of antibiotics...at this age, not even one year old...

I really wish that he can have his healthy body again by the age of one, which is coming soon, on October 18. Keeping the fingers crossed...May God bless Isaac. 

Puppy Friendship

My son's fever relapsed on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from the last week routine of to and fro to the hospital and yet, when I thought I could finally have good nights sleep, his fever came again. This time doubled up with cough. 

On my side, my breastmilk on the right breast somehow got clogged up and caused stoned-like lump. It has been painful for quite a few days but I was too busy with my son that I didn't bother to do anything with it. So, the lump somehow caused me to have fever too. 

It was tiring enough to take care of my sick baby and then, I've to take care of my fever. Went to visit my breastfeed consultant and was advised that I am diagnosed with mastitis and should be taking antibiotics. If the case deteriorate, I may need to go through a minor surgery to have my breast cut open to get that lump out. Minor or major surgery, I definitely do not want my breast to be cut opened. It's horrible. Now, I don't understand why my breastmilk got clogged up. Never mind. Too tired to think about it.

My son's fever got better today. Mine too. Just need to keep monitoring the water intake.  During  these exhausted days, I tried to find comfort in friends. However, they disappointed me. 

When my son had red dots coming out from his body last week, I called my 'best buddy'. I thought she might know anything about dengue and the red dots since she has been working in the hospital for quite a few years already. But she didn't. It's fine. I don't mind that she didn't know anything about it. Maybe my expectations were too high, I wish that, when I needed comfort the most, she would call back or at least SMS me to ask about my son's condition. Alas! Never! I've became just like a stranger to her...

She was my best buddy since Secondary 1. We talked and shared about almost everything and because I have no sister, I treated her like one. Though through the years, we have not contacted much, I still keep her in my mind. Forgetting about birthdays, I admit I was not a proactive person who would go an extra mile to meet up with old friends. Nevertheless, I did sent out SMS occasionally reminding them of my EXISTENCE. 

I yearned for the long friendship - 17 years of friendship with this buddy. However, no matter what I did, she has no reactions towards me. I was so heartache. This buddy, a friend, whom I've always thought as my BEST of friends, ignored me and left me out just like that. She was my bride's maid in my wedding. She was my secret keeper. My uni mate said, "Friends come and go, family stays." Is that true?

Maybe I should not hold on to the past. Maybe I was too naive to believe that friendship could last. Maybe it's just a puppy friendship, like a relationship, it just lasted for a few years and that's it. 

Yes, I will move on...to someone who really cares...and not waste anymore time on someone, who will never care for me anymore.

Creepy Fever

My son  had a creepy fever last week. The reason I named it Creepy is because the fever crept into my son in the middle of the night. Thank God, He woke me up at 4am to check on my son's temperature and found that it hit 39.4 degree Celcius. I quickly opened a pack of Koolfever and stuck it on my baby's forehead, in hope that it would lower his temperature and let it be. 

The next morning, when we were awoke, I checked my baby's temperature again and only to find that it was still at 39 Celcius. I quickly informed my husband and we sent him to the Klinik Kesihatan. After taking 2 doses of medicine, my baby's temperature dropped to 37. 6. Nevertheless, at around 8.50pm, his temperature rose up to 40.1. We rushed him to the nearest clinic and the doctor inserted a suppository paracetamol into his rectum. His fever gone down but at 2am, I was awaken to check on his temperature and it hit 39 again. I inserted another dose of paracetamol into his rectum and prayed that he would be able to sleep through the night without any fever. 

Early the next morning, we quickly sent him to Hospital Selayang and medical officer took his blood sample to check. The result showed that his blood platelet is at the borderline, which is 156, while the healthy platelet count is at 150. The doctor advised us to let our son have another blood test the next day. To our shock, my baby's platelet dropped to 122 the next day and it worried me so much. Though he was not admitted, I was constantly praying and wishing that he did not need to be admitted. It would be painful to see him be put on drip and have his blood taken every day. 

The doctor advised the same: to go and have another blood test the next day until my baby's platelet stop dropping and reach back the minimum count. Though the doctor did not confirm whether it was dengue, we tried our best to put our son on the "FIGHTING DENGUE COURSE". I double-boiled "tin kai" (Cantonese) with baby bittergourd and forced down the liquid into my son's throat every 30 minutes.We knew it tasted bitter but he had to have it in order to "cool" his blood. When the liquid finished, we forced barley down him.

The next day, his platelet dropped to 113.  We went to the organic shop and asked for a kind of plant which was believed to be able to cure dengue. Nevertheless, the shop did not sell that. The owner, however, recommmended us, Beetroot juice and said that it can purify the 'dirty' blood and increase the platelet count. My husband bought it. We forced down the liquid into my baby's throat again thrice. At other time, I gave 5ml of Miki Prune juice. 

The following day, baby's platelet went up to 115. It was a relieve. Nevertheless, we were asked to have another blood test for the baby the next day because the rise on the platelet count was too little to determine whether he was going to be OK. We did the same regime - this time giving him 10ml  of water every 30 minutes to one hour. 

Thank God, my baby's platelet shot up to 168 the next day. He was freed, free from being held up to draw out his precious blood to test. And finally, I can really have a good sleep, without having to worry about his temperature.

Other Perspectives

As my husband and I came out from the clinic after bringing our son, Isaac, to check on his fever, we saw policemen at the other side of the road and a crowd of people.

“It must be robbery,” I said, assuming it because the crowd was in front of Public Bank.

I took the opportunity to ask around when my husband went to buy bread. I went to the steamboat restaurant and to the owner who was sitting there with her sister and friends.

I stood near their table and pretended to look to the other side of the road. Then, at some point, I asked, “Is it robbery?”

The owner replied that it was a burglary. The burglar was very young, only at his thirties. When he was found, he quickly jumped from the second floor of the apartment. Then, he ran to the other side of the road. Nevertheless, luck was not on his side. It must be his broken leg(s) that had stopped him from running and he was caught.
 

The owner said with a sad face and sighed. “It’s such a pity. He is such a young man.”

I smiled. My husband was coming my way. I bid farewell to the restaurant owner and left. 

 

As we were walking home, I told my husband the whole incident. My husband also listened with a heave of sigh.

 

Is there something wrong for pitying a burglar? From our point of view, we were thinking of all other possibilities that he chose to steal and not the fact that he STOLE. Maybe he has a family member that needed money urgently. Maybe he was too depressed and could find no way to solve his financial problem. But does that mean he can steal?
 

While I can choose to be a stay-at-home mother and housewife, men have to work. They have to bear the family’s burden. A friend of mine said that sleep is something that scare him for after a sleep, he has to face TOMORROW with more to pay. He once said, “Even if I don’t eat, I’ll still need money to pay for the car, the house and bills. I’m so scare, so scare to fall asleep.”
 

Another friend who is working in Singapore also said almost the same thing. “I am so scare. So scare that even when I have slept, I will be awaken by the fear that we have no food tomorrow.” This friend has a wife and son and they live in Johor but the husband works in Singapore and travels to and fro every day. The truth is, he has been working there almost 20 years and the clock is ticking away. Will he be a factory worker all his life and I doubt the factory will want a 50 year-old man to do the job when they can hire a 20 year-old lad who is more efficient. 

 

I understand how they feel. Though I was not them, I understood. My father was one. He played around and enjoyed his life. He depended his life, and even our lives on his mother, my grandmother. When my grandmother passed away, the whole world collapsed. My father had to grow up – he can’t be mommy’s boy anymore. He had to work and work hard enough for the family of four. When I was faced with critics and condemnations from my superior while working at a local bank, I cried most of the time and wanted to quit. My father would always tell me that I should not. “It is not worth quitting for such a high paying job”. Then he would start to tell me his proud story on how he stood against his superior and still worked in the same company. “No one can fire me as long as I don’t fire myself.”

Those days…

Not many are as thick faces as my father. He can face his enemy everyday without fear. While my husband didn’t need to face with a difficult superior, he needs to face with difficult clients from the condos or offices he manages. I can still remember when I was pregnant with Isaac, my husband was called at near midnight because there was no water supply in a condo that he manages. He had to stay in the condo’s hall for the whole midnight and several other midnights when the same thing happened again until the water supply was sufficient for the residents. Well, he didn’t mind working but the fact that after giving the best and yet, the unappreciative residents shouted in the phone for the incidents made me sad. At that moment, I realised…I realised that though it may be difficult to work, yet, MEN have to WORK for the family. They’ll learn to THICKEN their face in order for the family to survive.


Now, to me, FACE THICKENING COURSE only applies for those with SPM level or lower. As I can see from the trend, those with degrees or higher certifications cannot take much scoldings. To them, “if ‘bo song’ (Hokkien), I’ll leave.”


Is that so?


Why some people have to steal?
Why some people have to endure the condemnations, scolding and thicken their faces to face it?
Why some people can just leave their high paying job for the sake of ‘face’?

Why some people with higher education have lesser toleration towards office politics?
Why some people have a lot and yet wanted more?
 

Coincidentally, I find that the verses that I read yesterday in my Bible give me some light.

 

Matthew 6:26-27



Matthew 7:12
Do for others what you want them to do for you.

May you find real peace...

IRRESPONSIBLE DOCTOR

Ask any mother and she'll be able to tell you that a baby's fever comes in the evening. How ignorant was I! I didn't know it...When my son was infected with a certain virus, he had mild fever in the evenings ONLY. I took that to heart and told the Dr. A. But I was taken lightly. I changed to Dr.B and she told me that my son could have UTI (urinary tract infection) which one of the symptoms is evening mild fever. Then, I thought, now someone really listened to me. Urine sample was taken and without given the chance to check on the report, my husband was told that our son had UTI and he had to take 5 days of antibiotic. I gave the medicine to my son diligently. And soon after 5 days, I was relieved. 

When I brought my son for vaccination, I told Dr. A that my son had UTI previously. She asked to get the report and take the child for ultrasound scan. I did as told and when I returned to Dr. B's clinic to get the report - ALAS! Only to find that my son DID NOT have UTI. In fact, the urine test showed everything was NEGATIVE. I was really shocked and regretted to having fed my son the antibiotics for 5 full days! How much of damage could it have done to his body. Now, while Dr. B was not around, Dr. C let  me see the report for myself. Then, he explained that if my son was infected with UTI, he should have a more specific symptom such as:

1) urine difficulty - crying before or during each urination
2) blood in his urine
3) loss of appetite
4) constant fever

Lesson learnt: DO NOT believe everything a doctor said...CHECK THE REPORT yourself. and CHECK again with other doctors.

First Time Mother

Being a first time mother wasn't easy. After 10 months of learning and drilling, thank God, I'm still up and alive! Though I am taking Chinese medications all this while, it made no difference. I have to be a mother, a GOOD mother to my baby.

When he fell, he cried, and I cried too. Always almost immediately I'll put the blame of him falling on myself. "If only I would be more careful...If only I was there...," I thought. The train of thoughts would continue until the worms of guilt started to nibble into my life...How stupid could I be? I've lost just a moment with my son and he fell. If I continue to live in guilt, I am going to miss more.

When my son reached his six-month old, and was beginning to start his solid food, I was ecstatic. I wanted to feed him and make sure he listens and sits quietly until he finishes his meal. Yes, I don't like those parents who allow their children to graze on their food. Firstly, it is unhealthy for the child. Secondly, the child would not have table manners. But when time comes for me, I was faced with a huge challenge...not that my son was not willing to sit still but it was the cooking that I dread.

I burned the porridge a few times and my mother screaming at the top of her lungs for blackening her pots and cookware. I asked around and found that a few of my friends did not BOIL porridge. They DOUBLE-BOIL it instead. So, the porridge would NEVER EVER get burnt. How smart.

Thanks to Hooi Thiam for giving me the tips on cooking good porridge.

1. Lay a towel flat into a slow cooker.
2. Pour some water into the slow cooker ( get the towel wet).
3. Get a small china ware bowl or clay pot which could fit into the slow cooker.
4. Put the amount of rice to be cooked into the bowl/clay pot. (Make sure the rice is washed)
5. Add in other ingredients to be cooked eg. potato, carrot, pumpkin, sweet potato, onion, etc.
6. With each tablespoon of rice, pour in half a bowl or 80ml of water. (if 2 tbspn, 160ml water).
7. Cover up the bowl or clay pot and let the slow cooker cook for 3 hours.

Make sure to mash the potato, carrot, sweet potato, etc. and mix them evenly with the porridge. The porridge is just fine - with not too much or too less of water - just right for my baby.

My baby likes pumpkin, onion and anchovy soup porridge. But as my Chinese doctor advised, it is best to have a different menu each day for the baby. You don't like to eat the same thing everyday and neither do the baby. Though pumpkin is good, is not advisable to eat it everyday. Hence, the menu I have for my baby varies by the different combinations from the same ingredients.

Eg. Day 1 - anchovy, carrot, pumpkin
Day 2 - orange flesh sweet potato only (orange flesh is softer than yellow flesh ones)
Day 3 - fish porridge
Day 4 - spinach, anchovy, pumpkin
Day 5 - potato, carrot, onion
Day 6 - onion, pumpkin
Day 7 - carrot, anchovy

The Beautiful Creation

At around 10.30pm, I heard footsteps and people calling my name. My eyes were heavy and I was extremely drowsy. My cell-group members came to visit me and kept telling me that I had done a great job. The baby was extremely cute and I am a mother! All I could do was to pose a weak smile. My lips were dried and I still had tears from the pain of birth.

The next morning, the nurse brought in my baby...It was unbelievable. I could not believe that I had already given birth to a baby. It was a miracle. It was a beautiful experience. It was everything in my life!

When the anesthetic had gone, I started to feel the pain from the operation. Doctor had advised me to get down from bed and walk around so that the wound would recover sooner. My husband had to help me to get up and down from the bed. It was an extremely painful experience. I had to drag my feet when walking to lessen the pain from the wound. But it was joyful to walk to the nursery to watch my baby sleeping in his cot, peacefully.

The Painful Experience

It was a tremendous experience to be a first time mother. I was praying and asking my baby to come before the due date because I could wait no longer and was getting more and more impatient. The day before I had bleeding, I ate a very bowl of very spicy Asam Laksa. Then, the next morning, I was having brownish discharge. Later it turned to be light pink. Yes, I was sure the baby was coming.

My sis-in-law called and advised me to be calm and wait till the contractions or the water burst. So, I kept waiting. My husband was getting quite anxious and hurried himself into setting the baby's cot while I watched and waited.

At around 2pm, my contractions started. It came 4 hours once, then three hours once and it was getting closer and closer. When it was midnight, the contractions came 10 minutes once! I was so exhausted from the pain and was unable to sleep through the night. The next morning, my husband and I decided to go to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor advised to put me for ECG test and it was tested that my contractions came 7 minutes once. Doctor said that I must check in the hospital. So, I did. He broke my water bag and I started to wait in the bed for the baby to come...

It was around 10.30am when I started to wait in the bed with the contractions coming closer and closer. My husband was beside me, trying to comfort me. When it was about 5.00pm, I had only dilated 4.5cm and the doctor said that the dilation was extremely slow. In the midst of drowsiness from the gas I inhaled and the pain, I told my husband to pray for God's will. We would wait for another half an hour and if there is not further dilation, I would have to go under the knife.

When the time came, the doctor checked with us again for our decision. I was in extreme pain by then, not being able to control myself from screaming. The contractions came 1 minute once. I felt as if my stomach was going to burst. I was crying and tearfully, I prayed for God to take me away from the pain. The following things I could remember was the nurse gave me some isotonic drinks and then, I was asked to sign many pages of papers, agreeing on the operation and asked to shift from the labour room's bed to a mobile bed. Then, I was pushed to the hall and before entering the Operation Theatre, I was asked to shift to another bed again. I was totally exhausted and all I could do was groaning and crying. The nurse asked me to be quick to avoid further contractions pain. I did my best to shift from bed to bed. Then, I was asked whether to go on half consciousness or full anesthetic and I said, "Tidur, saya mau tidur," and I was pushed into the Operation Theatre. Before they started to operate me, I had to reconfirm the signatures I made earlier that it was mine. And I was left to sleep peacefully...

Getting Emotional

This is the tenth month that I stay at home. Maybe I have too much time to myself that's why I am having the on and off mood swing. I feel like nobody is caring about me. No friends, no church members and not even family members.

Mom is away, with her sisters, enjoying her life while brother is working like a mule somewhere out there. My husband, is here, at home but it makes no difference because we have so less to talk about. He is tired all the time and would rather spend time doing his Sudoku which is meant to "relieve" his stress, so he said. While I, would day dream or look at the TV blankly, or keep replaying the same CD for my baby to listen.

Everyday seems to be the same for me, Monday to Saturday. Sunday is quite exceptional because I'll be going to church and seeing a lot more people. Otherwise, it would be the same too.

If I were to go to my sis-in-law's house, I would have to be extra careful for not saying the wrong thing. otherwise, I would be fired back. Hence, it would be advisable to KEEP THE MOUTH SHUT. I don't understand why she could be so "friendly" and "kind" to the friends while she could be so disrespectful in scolding me! Am I owing her anything? We did ask her if she has any baby's items which she would like to give out. Yes, we are taking in hands-me-down from her but that doesn't mean she can scold me whenever she feels like it. I feel being offended yet what can I say?

I found that I speak lesser and lesser. There is no point of talking because no one care to listen. I do not know, but this feeling of loneliness keeps haunting me and make me weaker by days...

But I keep reminding my baby, yes, even if the whole world would abandon you, remember that there will still be someone to hold to - our God, Jesus. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

Getting Paranoid

My due date for delivery is getting nearer and nearer... and I am getting more impatient to see and hold my baby in my arms. But there are thousand of things to worry about...
whether I am able to dilate and let the baby comes out naturally,
whether I am able to endure the pain of having "that part" being cut open,
whether I am able to breastfeed my baby,
whether my baby will have a strong immune system,
whether ....

It was during this period of anxious that I caught up with a slight flu. It made me worried even more! Could it be H1N1? Oh NO! Please no... I can't afford to have anything to do with the killer influenza. I prayed and cried...the moment I think my baby is in danger, my tears will roll down uncontrollably. I've endured the morning sickness, the early pregnancy bleeding and the bloating, etc., I could not afford to lose my baby.

Yesterday, at around 4.30am, I was awaken by a sharp pain in my left kidney. It seemed like labour was on the way. I got up and went to my little library to retrieve the pregnancy book my sis-in-law gave me. Quietly, I flipped through the pages to read the signs of labour. There was no blood stain and no sign of breakage of water...I started to monitor the pain. I wanted to wake my husband but I did not want him to be disappointed by a false labour. So, I prayed and quietly, fell asleep again after an hour of pain. So, it was, after all, a false labour.

This morning, I missed Sunday service because I felt that my immune has not recovered fully and it was best that I stay at home to avoid public places. My husband, who had a sore throat yesterday, has turned to have a serious flu. I am really worried. I have just recovered and I do not want to get hitched up with another flu, especially when I am so worried about my baby. I've asked him to visit the doctor but was fired back for being OVERLY ANXIOUS.

It is not about me, alone. It's about the BABY. Can't he be more understanding?

Passion versus Love

It came to me all of a sudden to think of what is passion, lust and love last week when my mind was idling while listening to the classical music. Many old memories came back to me. Yes, happy and sad. Those happy ones usually followed by sadness and most often, made me cried endlessly for weeks and months.

It all started with passion. I think most of the relationships start with passion. When we like someone, we blaze inside, the burning hot feeling and excitement each time that person appear.

This very guy, whom my friends thought to be casual had touched my heart. To me, he was someone special. He made his effort to give me surprises such as calling up after school and waiting eagerly in front of the kindergarten we both attended as children with a pack of Chipmores I mentioned during our chat the evening before. We cycled round the houses and chatted through the evening when there was no school. Everything was perfect. I on my side, tried to please him by making small souvenirs like stars as best wishes for his exams, cut my fingers while carving his Chinese name on a board to make a bookmark for him, wrote him letters, waited each evening for his call until 1am...

But just weeks later, after he came back from a camp, he called up to say he was sorry. It was like a dream and it was not meant to be. That was the end of the whole 'relationship'. I cried endlessly on my part and hoped he would return. I did all I could to salvage the lost feelings - the PASSION he once had with me but to no avail. Unlike me, he'd lost the passion and because love was not there, he lost interest in me while I was waiting stupidly for him and almost gave up my pre-varsity entry requirement exams.

I understand when people say, "I'm tired. So tired in this relationship." It is because when the passion has gone, and when love does not exists, there is nothing one can do to salvage the relationship.

Passion is so much different from Love. Passion is just a "hush" - a feeling of wanting to be with that person so eagerly that whatever you do, you'll be thinking of that person. It all comes from what we see. When we change our environment, we'll lost that kind of passion. Just for example, after the camp, my guy lost the passion towards me. He knew that I was not the girl he wanted. Maybe he'd seen another or many other more popular girls during the camp. Who knows? That's passion. Easy come, easy go. And usually, one of the party will be hurt... I was pressured into thinking about my unpleasant look. I did everything I could to make myself pleasant each time when I went out to meet him. It was so stressful though it was a meeting I was looking forward to but whenever I came home, I would be stressed out.

Love on the other hand uses the brain + heart, just like the promises couples made in front of the God on their wedding day: whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, young or old, etc. we'll still love each other and till death do us part.

When I look back, I understood why God gave me this husband. I believe no one would love me more than he could. As I was in crib condition during my early pregnancy, I did not get out of bed unless for toilet and food and occassionally TV, my husband had to make sure I've food on time for dinner. He would came to the toilet to check what I vomitted though he was in the midst of eating. And now, in the 5th month of pregnancy, my husband still make sure I eat on time and never forgets to kiss this FAT lady before going to work each morning. I could not imagine if I were with that very first guy...First, I would have to wake up earlier than him because I would not want to look ugly in front of him. Then, secondly, I would be so stressed up that I could not eat because I'm getting fatter each day during my pregnancy. Thirdly, he might not allow me to stay at home until my delivery.

When people say, "Love is blind", it does not mean doing all kinds of crimes along with your love one or committing suicide. It means being blind to that person's weaknesses. My husband is "blind" to my burping while I would be "blind" to his farting. Ha ha! It is because of our weaknesses that we learn to complement each other. My husband is weak in English and I would be there to help him while I'm low in self-esteem, my husband will be there to hug and encourage me with God's word.

I could not have stand up to be myself if it is not because of my husband who LOVES me as I am. If there was only passion in our relationship, my husband would have left me when he got to know my weaknesses. But we are learning each day on how to LOVE each other.

We love because God loves us first.

Note: if you're trying to figure out whether you really love someone, try changing environment. Eg. Going somewhere for holidays and get to know more friends (especially the opposite gender). Passion usually sparks up easily with new friends and subside when that person is out of sight.
Love is created and crafted each day with effort...

I realise...

I realise that I might be one of the most idle person on earth...
I realise that everyone else is so busy...
I realise that everyone else has his/her own problems and that's enough of burden...
I realise that you can't have a sincere listener unless they are paid for it...

Last week, I felt really frustrated over the workers and their working attitude and since I could not find the solutions, I seek help from 2 of the people in my phone list whom I trust have their expertise in this. Unfortunately, to my disappointment, they were too busy. One promised to call but never called back. One did not even reply my SMS. Later in the evening, I started to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed because I feel that I should not have called/SMS them because both of them are busy people and how could they have time for me, such a slouch, who only calls/SMS when I've problem that I can't solve. So, I prayed that they forget about the whole incident and let it be.

Actually, deep down in my heart, I'm hurt...and still hurt. One of the person was my sister-in-law. I realise that I am just a "sister-in-law" without any blood tie with her and what does she owe me? Nothing. The thing she most often offered is money or presents because that's what she's has been working so hard for. And she listens whenever she feels like it or just listen to whatever she wants. So, it's rather useless to talk heart-to-heart with her. She doesn't have to rely on me whenever she has problems. She has her other siblings to share her problems, her sisters and brother. But me?

New Staff

I was hoping for one good staff to replace the one who left so that I do not have to worry about the job and can be at ease. I was so glad that finally, I was told that the company has hired an ex-clerk in a law firm. Hmm...Mom used to tell the stories of my uncles who worked as clerks in law firms and ended up being bosses themselves. I believe that a clerk in a law firm should be well-disciplined and trained and looked forward to meet the new staff.

The very first day, my duty was to teach her the priority tasks which she is supposed to do every other day. Before I left the office, I left a note on the things which she needs to do for the rest of the day.

On the second day when I reached the office, I found that she has not finished the task I've given her on the first day. I was a little disappointed. I bit my lips and said to myself that she needs time. Well, she is slow in understanding but that does not mean she can't work. She needs time. OK.

On the third day, I saw some improvement in her. At least the initiative to "DO" something instead of looking blankly at me. So, I taught her some new tasks and asked her to follow up - such as filing, calling up the creditor, etc.

On the fourth day, I was totally in awe to find that all the files were in a mess; out of the previous arrangement. It meant that she took out the files without realising where she took it and simply put them back in whatever place she could chuck. When I checked the files, I found that the letters and documents I asked her to file were all filed in the wrong files! Blood gushed so quickly to my brain and I feel like kicking her off just like that...Ok. not so mean.

I wondered how could she filed the documents wrongly! It's either she did not read the documents and simply chuck in whatever file she took by chance OR she did not know how to differentiate between the documents. It was a TOTAL DISASTER!

My B-day!

Yesterday was my birthday. Errm... I was not as excited as I used to be. Maybe because my priority now is not myself anymore but the one in my tummy! As long as my baby is strong and healthy, I don't care if there is actually no one sending me sms or calling me up to wish me a "Happy Birthday". In fact, I think I've got what I wanted.

Only ONE friend sent an sms to me wishing me happy birthday. Then, I've got another 2 sending birthday wishes through Facebook and email. I received another 2 through Facebook today. If it were not of Facebook, I think I would be long forgotten, being a rotten and mouldy mushroom somewhere nobody notices.

Thanks to my family members - my husband and mom took me out for dinner. While my brother was the first to send his wishes on my birthday.

It all come back to zero. All those years of multiplied friends and friend-ships, destroyed through the 'storms' of time, hectic work, family, etc etc. What is left is just a mere, "we were once friends" note in the gray cell up there.

Whatever it is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Cheers...

14th Week Treasure

It has been quite some time since my last posting. I've been lying on bed most of the time because of my gastric. Last week, my gastric had infected my rib bones causing the bones to hurt so much. I could not even stand straight nor sit comfortably on a chair.

This is the second full month that I stayed at home, like a bird in a cage. Nevertheless, I am not bored at all. Though I feel uncertain and moody at times, I like staying at home. I feel comfortable, secured and most of all, I can rest whenever I wanted to.

Last Sunday, my husband brought back a book "Supernatural Childbirth" given by one of the sister in Christ. I put the book aside because my bones hurt so much so that I don't feel like doing anything at all except lying flat on the bed. One day, two days...I finally picked up the book and started to read and I just can't seem to put down the book again!

I finished the book on the same day and felt charged. It let me know God once more, my Saviour, Jesus Christ, who has redeemed me with His precious blood. With the testimonies from the book, I felt assured that the God I believe is righteous and He keeps His promises.

I started to pray earnestly and to my amazement, my rib bones and gastric got better sooner than I've ever thought! I was able to go out with my mom yesterday and the day before to pay the utility bills and had a tea. It was incredible! God listened to my prayer. He is always here.

Thank you, Jesus. I hope many others will know about Your love and sacrifices.