I'm lost...again?

It was a long long time that we decided to move out of my parents' house to a house which we can call a 'home'. It was a painful experience to live with my mom after my marriage as there are always collisions and differences in ideas between my husband and her or my mom and I. And frankly, why do people like to attack Christians so much? Are Christians the weaker part and more easily to be bullied? Each time when an argument erupts, my mom would pinpoint on our faith and question whether our God allows our actions. At times I think I am so much a victim and cry endlessly. I was hoping to hug Jesus and ask Him why He had allowed that to happen - a member of family to hurt and despise us. Some other time I think there could be a great plan behind all these, yes, Jesus might want me to learn something out of this. Imagine collisions between two durians - won't some of the thorns broke and some other become flat? I think that's the point of the subject. I learn to dismiss some hurtful and mean comments and move on. After all, I can't go taping up my mom's mouth to stop her from talking hurtful things. 

And when I thought that we've finally decided to move to an entirely new town, I'm lost again. My son's lungs are weak and for the last three weeks till present, he has been coughing! The house that we planned to view in August is just beside a busy road and next to the supermarket. In the long run, it will do more harm to my son and I don't want that to happen. And when I told my husband my thought, he was angry and asked, "I just don't know what you want." I also do not know...He did not want to move to the house we've bought because we have good rent. He wanted to keep the houses for rent and buy another house which requires me to work full timely. What a selfish desire? How much is enough? RM1,000,000 will be nothing if I were dead by tomorrow but it might not be enough if I lived through 100 years old. What are people chasing after these days? What is my husband chasing? One house after another? 

Jesus, please reveal where You want me to go for it is too disappointing to wait further...but may Your will be done. 

Lost of confidence

My friends have introduced me to home school some time ago and from time to time, her husband and herself would give me some additional info about homeschooling. 

Recently, they shared their vision on starting a homeschool. I can see their commitment in buying up a new premises and the urge to look for more relevant information and seeking help in setting up the school. My friend's husband has asked me to pray for a vision and whether I can join their force to be one of their teachers. 

I am still unsure. I'm unsure of so many things. I'm still praying to God for guidance on what I should be doing...I am lack of confidence. Although I know how to speak in English, my words would get tangled up when someone else is there. I feel pressure because I am always thinking that people are there to nit-picking on my lack of proficiency. 

Only God knows how to heal my childhood wounds of condemnation and lack of praises. And only God knows how to make me well again...