I thanked my old friend, GCL for dropping by to read my boring blog. I suppose nobody would read the blog of another unless it is of someone famous or glamourous. My sincere thanks to him for being so graceful in spending time to cheer this friend.
Just like him, I felt that the technology is growing real fast and we're like lacking behind, not knowing very much on how to function it. Just like when I've got invitations to join Friendster, it took me some months before I agreed to join and learned how to operate it. Finally, when I thought I've knew almost all the forms and functions of it, I got a new invitation to join Facebook. It's like a never ending technology meant to "draw people closer".
Yupe! Thanks to Facebook, I get to know how many of my old OLD friends were doing. Those friends of 20 years!
At the first few chats, it was always what we are doing and how life has been. Then, came the monotonous life and the relationship ended abruptly just like what happened 20 years ago. Does that mean a broken friendship should be left just like? Should it be left untouched?
I don't know. I tried sending sms to my old friends asking them what they were doing and should they have any outing, they can give me a call. But none call up. Hmmm...in their mind, they're doing what is right - they leave me to my husband. Yes, I've a husband. But that does not mean I'll leave all my friends.
Now, I'm not the one leaving them... but they are!
FRIENDS
We are so close, seeing each other through Facebook and Friendsters so often yet so far apart!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Presentation
The day that I had waited eagerly came and gone.
That morning was a tensed one. I arrived in uni and in front of the presentation room at 10am, an hour and 20 minutes earlier before the given time for my presentation. My friends were all appointed an earlier slot than I. I was the last among them. HUH!
I waited and waited. Candidates spent more time than expected in the room. 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins..time ran slowly. I wished I was the first. Nevertheless, the arrangement was good.
When it was my turn, it was already 12.30pm, one hour later than the given appointment. I could sense the tiredness in the panels' eyes. Nevertheless, they tried to pose some questions. I didn't really answer all the questions because my supervisor was there to help and assist. Though I did a few mistakes in my analysis, I felt good that the presentation ended in a good way with praises from my supervisor and the others.
I'm relief.
But the second round has yet begun...
That morning was a tensed one. I arrived in uni and in front of the presentation room at 10am, an hour and 20 minutes earlier before the given time for my presentation. My friends were all appointed an earlier slot than I. I was the last among them. HUH!
I waited and waited. Candidates spent more time than expected in the room. 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins..time ran slowly. I wished I was the first. Nevertheless, the arrangement was good.
When it was my turn, it was already 12.30pm, one hour later than the given appointment. I could sense the tiredness in the panels' eyes. Nevertheless, they tried to pose some questions. I didn't really answer all the questions because my supervisor was there to help and assist. Though I did a few mistakes in my analysis, I felt good that the presentation ended in a good way with praises from my supervisor and the others.
I'm relief.
But the second round has yet begun...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Point to Ponder
Human defence themselves when they sense danger is lurking around. So, they'll think of all sorts of opportunity to hit or attack the danger before the danger attacks them. So, naturally, one who gets angry will OFTEN BLAME others for making them angry. Most often than not, we'll say, "You're the one who makes me angry. If it were not you, I'd be in a good mood today...etc.."
Jesus did not retaliate or try to protect Himself against the accuses. Neither did He curse the people nor kept a vengeance against them. Why should I?
In fact, even in his last breath, He pleaded with the Father to forgive the people who had sinned against Him for "they did not know what they were doing".
I told my mom that I'll feel guilty after I scolded someone, whether or not that person did the wrong thing. I mean, whether I'm at the right end, I should not be scolding people at all! At the end of the day, I'll pray for God's forgiveness.
If only I have a bigger heart to forgive that person, I won't get angry.
If only I don't think highly of myself being superior to that person, I won't condemn the job s/he has done.
Those are the truth I believe and hope to be done.
Quote to ponder:
If you want to be angry, be responsible for your anger.
Blame no one for making you angry because no one can get to your nerves unless you let them to.
Jesus did not retaliate or try to protect Himself against the accuses. Neither did He curse the people nor kept a vengeance against them. Why should I?
In fact, even in his last breath, He pleaded with the Father to forgive the people who had sinned against Him for "they did not know what they were doing".
I told my mom that I'll feel guilty after I scolded someone, whether or not that person did the wrong thing. I mean, whether I'm at the right end, I should not be scolding people at all! At the end of the day, I'll pray for God's forgiveness.
If only I have a bigger heart to forgive that person, I won't get angry.
If only I don't think highly of myself being superior to that person, I won't condemn the job s/he has done.
Those are the truth I believe and hope to be done.
Quote to ponder:
If you want to be angry, be responsible for your anger.
Blame no one for making you angry because no one can get to your nerves unless you let them to.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Huge Comfort
Yesterday, I stayed at home the whole day, not knowing what I should be doing. I was moody and due to the PMS and the medication I'm taking, I felt even worse.
Nevertheless, after attending the prayer meeting, I felt recharged.
The sharing was extremely good and it opened my eyes to understanding Bible to a deeper level. I've always read Bible on the surface level, thus not able to dig deep into the meaning of each and every word of God. Through the explanation from the speaker, I felt my conscious was knocking at the door again.
"Good and faithful."
Good - kind, tender, loving, understanding, honest, hardworking, whatever that should be of good nature.
Faithful - loyal
The prayers also helped me to understand that the difficulty I was facing was just a drop of water in the ocean. It really does not matter that much...It mattered because I took a magnifying glass to look at it. It was like looking at an ant with a magnifying glass, forgetting the rest of the things around it. But when I heard news of wars, politics, the underprivileged and the sick, I felt I was so much luckier. Whatever challenges that I've to face, I still have choices to choose from. I don't have to bump my head against the wall or cried my eyes out just because a teacher scolded me in the public!
I've to admit that the incident scared me and brought back deep painful memories of my dad, holding the dictatorship of punishing people the way he liked. I cried tears of fear. But I felt relieved that God will always be here to hold my hands and lead me back home, to the one I loved. It does not matter how much people hurt me because God has it all. He is righteous and He's seeing this from Heaven. Do I need to explain more?
He knows what I needed most and how painful I was and He always knows how to bring back His child's confidence.
Thank you, Jesus Christ.
Nevertheless, after attending the prayer meeting, I felt recharged.
The sharing was extremely good and it opened my eyes to understanding Bible to a deeper level. I've always read Bible on the surface level, thus not able to dig deep into the meaning of each and every word of God. Through the explanation from the speaker, I felt my conscious was knocking at the door again.
"Good and faithful."
Good - kind, tender, loving, understanding, honest, hardworking, whatever that should be of good nature.
Faithful - loyal
The prayers also helped me to understand that the difficulty I was facing was just a drop of water in the ocean. It really does not matter that much...It mattered because I took a magnifying glass to look at it. It was like looking at an ant with a magnifying glass, forgetting the rest of the things around it. But when I heard news of wars, politics, the underprivileged and the sick, I felt I was so much luckier. Whatever challenges that I've to face, I still have choices to choose from. I don't have to bump my head against the wall or cried my eyes out just because a teacher scolded me in the public!
I've to admit that the incident scared me and brought back deep painful memories of my dad, holding the dictatorship of punishing people the way he liked. I cried tears of fear. But I felt relieved that God will always be here to hold my hands and lead me back home, to the one I loved. It does not matter how much people hurt me because God has it all. He is righteous and He's seeing this from Heaven. Do I need to explain more?
He knows what I needed most and how painful I was and He always knows how to bring back His child's confidence.
Thank you, Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Status Consciousness
Last few weeks, when I was in the varsity, I had a terrible stomachache. As the ground floor's toilet was full, I went up to the first floor only to find that the toilet's door was broken. So, I went up to the second floor. I found a good place to do my "business". While I was washing my hands, a lecturer came in. She looked at me despicably.
"Are you a student?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered as I took my tumbler and put the sling on my shoulder.
"You're not supposed to use this toilet," she said.
"But the toilet downstairs are full," I answered softly.
"Full?" She asked unbelievingly and continued, "Don't use this toilet the next time."
I nodded, embarrassed for being reprimanded and walked away.
It was after all, a TOILET!
To me, a toilet is a toilet. It's for people to wee or pass motion. But to the lecturer, it's THE LECTURERS' TOILET and could ONLY be used by lecturers. That's the difference.
I learned that when you've reached a certain status in the society, you'll want people to think and speak to you differently. Don't say, "Nah...it's only for the ignorant." It's not. When you're an Executive, you'd want your clerk to obey your command and when you're a Manager, you'd want your Executive, clerks, typist, secretary, etc. to obey your command and be at your mercy at all time.
This is our culture. The culture of third-class mentality. There would not be equality. Even a toilet is differentiated between those for the lecturers and those for the students. There's absolutely no FRIENDSHIP between a lecturer and a student. It's all a matter of teaching and learning.
It's a sad case to find. I always wanted my students to treat me like their friends. I don't mind to listen to their problems or ask them come to my house or make jokes with them as long as they're learning.
Maybe I don't feel the gap because I'm just a normal teacher, a lowly teacher without any high qualification (only degree, ok?). My mom said that if I managed to get to the doctorate level, I would think differently. I would want my students to respect and READ my work and write them in their own work. So, if you've finished a doctorate, you'll want people to greet you as Doctor. No more Mr / Ms /Madam. You'll want be glamourous. That's status and that's what makes the society today! Going after something. The more the better. The more the merrier.
I could only pray to God that He humbles me and let me always think of the underprivileged. May His wisdom come upon me and the Holy Spirit lives in me so that I will not for ONE DAY think I'm any superior than the rest of His creation...because I'm only a human, who will waste away and die like any others. I want people to remember me as someone loving, kind and tender rather than a grumpy lady that no one likes. When you leave, history remains...
"Are you a student?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered as I took my tumbler and put the sling on my shoulder.
"You're not supposed to use this toilet," she said.
"But the toilet downstairs are full," I answered softly.
"Full?" She asked unbelievingly and continued, "Don't use this toilet the next time."
I nodded, embarrassed for being reprimanded and walked away.
It was after all, a TOILET!
To me, a toilet is a toilet. It's for people to wee or pass motion. But to the lecturer, it's THE LECTURERS' TOILET and could ONLY be used by lecturers. That's the difference.
I learned that when you've reached a certain status in the society, you'll want people to think and speak to you differently. Don't say, "Nah...it's only for the ignorant." It's not. When you're an Executive, you'd want your clerk to obey your command and when you're a Manager, you'd want your Executive, clerks, typist, secretary, etc. to obey your command and be at your mercy at all time.
This is our culture. The culture of third-class mentality. There would not be equality. Even a toilet is differentiated between those for the lecturers and those for the students. There's absolutely no FRIENDSHIP between a lecturer and a student. It's all a matter of teaching and learning.
It's a sad case to find. I always wanted my students to treat me like their friends. I don't mind to listen to their problems or ask them come to my house or make jokes with them as long as they're learning.
Maybe I don't feel the gap because I'm just a normal teacher, a lowly teacher without any high qualification (only degree, ok?). My mom said that if I managed to get to the doctorate level, I would think differently. I would want my students to respect and READ my work and write them in their own work. So, if you've finished a doctorate, you'll want people to greet you as Doctor. No more Mr / Ms /Madam. You'll want be glamourous. That's status and that's what makes the society today! Going after something. The more the better. The more the merrier.
I could only pray to God that He humbles me and let me always think of the underprivileged. May His wisdom come upon me and the Holy Spirit lives in me so that I will not for ONE DAY think I'm any superior than the rest of His creation...because I'm only a human, who will waste away and die like any others. I want people to remember me as someone loving, kind and tender rather than a grumpy lady that no one likes. When you leave, history remains...
The deja vu fear
Today I went through a shocking fear after meeting with NST.
Like usual, she threw her tantrum in front of me and my other friends. I felt like crying but I kept bitting my lips. She was at the shouting level and I could feel, if I'm a seven-year-old kid, she would want to twist my ear and pinch my arm. I dared not even look at her. She flared up and all I could see through the corner of my eyes were she kept finger-pointing at me and shouting at how ungrateful I was. I tried to explain but she shouted even louder. All I could do was head down and swallow my tears.
When I got into my car, I started crying. I cried so badly, I thanked God that the flood of tears did not make me bump into cars. I wished to hold Jesus near, close by because I knew it so much that only Him, only God is loving, kind, tender and forgiving. He will not pick on small mistakes nor hurting someone to the point of wanting that person to lie death in front of Him. I wanted Jesus. I knew only He could heal me.
I cried and cried till my heart, my throat and my lung hurt. I did not know what I could do to stop the pain in me. It's the deja vu fear.
My dad was an aggressive man. He scolded and beat my brother and I. I was lucky to be beaten the least. Nevertheless, when dad scolded someone, that person had to look down, feel sorry and not give any reply. Otherwise, a further punishment would be placed on that person. I felt that NST was all the same like my dad when she started scolding. And just like my dad, she would be asking questions and hoping that I won't be replying. How the same! I'd lived with my aggressive dad for the past 27 years, under his iron-fist and now...
I don't understand at all. But through this experience, I learned 3 things:
1) God is loving, tender, forgiving and understanding
2) No one is perfect
3) I've to look at things the positive way. eg. NST scolded rightly. I'll take the initiative to work harder RATHER THAN saying she condemns me and I'll be dead meat before I knew it.
Now, my heartache does not stop there. My friends think I deserved to be scolded and reprimanded. As such, I didn't get any consolation nor comforting words from them. That's LIFE!
Like usual, she threw her tantrum in front of me and my other friends. I felt like crying but I kept bitting my lips. She was at the shouting level and I could feel, if I'm a seven-year-old kid, she would want to twist my ear and pinch my arm. I dared not even look at her. She flared up and all I could see through the corner of my eyes were she kept finger-pointing at me and shouting at how ungrateful I was. I tried to explain but she shouted even louder. All I could do was head down and swallow my tears.
When I got into my car, I started crying. I cried so badly, I thanked God that the flood of tears did not make me bump into cars. I wished to hold Jesus near, close by because I knew it so much that only Him, only God is loving, kind, tender and forgiving. He will not pick on small mistakes nor hurting someone to the point of wanting that person to lie death in front of Him. I wanted Jesus. I knew only He could heal me.
I cried and cried till my heart, my throat and my lung hurt. I did not know what I could do to stop the pain in me. It's the deja vu fear.
My dad was an aggressive man. He scolded and beat my brother and I. I was lucky to be beaten the least. Nevertheless, when dad scolded someone, that person had to look down, feel sorry and not give any reply. Otherwise, a further punishment would be placed on that person. I felt that NST was all the same like my dad when she started scolding. And just like my dad, she would be asking questions and hoping that I won't be replying. How the same! I'd lived with my aggressive dad for the past 27 years, under his iron-fist and now...
I don't understand at all. But through this experience, I learned 3 things:
1) God is loving, tender, forgiving and understanding
2) No one is perfect
3) I've to look at things the positive way. eg. NST scolded rightly. I'll take the initiative to work harder RATHER THAN saying she condemns me and I'll be dead meat before I knew it.
Now, my heartache does not stop there. My friends think I deserved to be scolded and reprimanded. As such, I didn't get any consolation nor comforting words from them. That's LIFE!
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Cooking Life of a Wife
I tried to make it a habit to cook since I came back from Bukit Tinggi last Monday. There, I learned some cooking techniques and health info from my church members and I vowed to cook everyday (Monday to Friday).
Today, after I handed in my research proposal, I stayed in the library for another three hours before driving back to prepare my cooking. It is fun cooking. I like experimenting with stir-frying technique though my mom disliked it so much. She said it'll make the whole house oily, smelly and dirty. After each stir-frying job, there would be a thorough cleaning. So, mom said, STEAMING is good enough.
I do get bored with steaming all the time. So, I tried stir-frying some vegetables today. When the wok was red, I poured in some oil. Then, the oil started to boil and I could see smoke coming up from the wok. I quickly poured in some garlic only to find that the garlic got burnt just a moment after I poured them in. Alas! I'd to throw all the garlic, wash the wok and start all over again. But it was fun. I felt happy being able to cook, especially for my mom and hubby to consume.
When I finally sat down and wanted to take some rest, I requested the newspaper from my hubby. He was reluctant to give it to me and said that he wanted to read it when he was actually watching TV program then. I was so frustrated. That's why I ended up switching on my computer and typing this away. I felt that my hard work gone unappreciated. He would never know.
"It's just another dinner," he might think. But the time spent on it gone unnoticed.
This is reality...the ugly truth of marriage life...and cooking life of a wife!
Today, after I handed in my research proposal, I stayed in the library for another three hours before driving back to prepare my cooking. It is fun cooking. I like experimenting with stir-frying technique though my mom disliked it so much. She said it'll make the whole house oily, smelly and dirty. After each stir-frying job, there would be a thorough cleaning. So, mom said, STEAMING is good enough.
I do get bored with steaming all the time. So, I tried stir-frying some vegetables today. When the wok was red, I poured in some oil. Then, the oil started to boil and I could see smoke coming up from the wok. I quickly poured in some garlic only to find that the garlic got burnt just a moment after I poured them in. Alas! I'd to throw all the garlic, wash the wok and start all over again. But it was fun. I felt happy being able to cook, especially for my mom and hubby to consume.
When I finally sat down and wanted to take some rest, I requested the newspaper from my hubby. He was reluctant to give it to me and said that he wanted to read it when he was actually watching TV program then. I was so frustrated. That's why I ended up switching on my computer and typing this away. I felt that my hard work gone unappreciated. He would never know.
"It's just another dinner," he might think. But the time spent on it gone unnoticed.
This is reality...the ugly truth of marriage life...and cooking life of a wife!
Pessimistic Life
To what can I compare my disappointment? I don't know.
Today while I sat with three girls at a foyer, I heard their conversation. I was trying to concentrate in my book but these girls talked so loudly that I could hardly get a word into my head.
I got to know that these girls are committee members from societies in the varsity and hold high positions. They are glamourous, beautiful, smart and active in their extra curricular activities. They even planned to go to Japan for the coming holiday!
I bit my lips listening to their conversation. I felt disappointment creeping through me. I didn't join any extra curricular activities during my varsity years. I didn't try to enjoy every moment as an undergraduate then. I was just rushing through time and wished I could finish as soon as possible. Nothing in the varsity that happened worth me remembering.
These girls had "great fathers". Their fathers are either politicians or businessmen. That's what makes them what they are. I don't blame my parents for what I am now. It's just that I was born a pessimistic and would not see things the bright side. I felt like I'm doomed to be called a LOSER! I don't dare to work for what I want. I don't dare to even ASK for what I want. It's all too late.
I missed my youth, my varsity, my first job, my dreams... If only I'm an optimistic, I would be somewhere else...SOMEONE else by now but I'm not.
I'm still here, slumped into my comfort zone, afraid to go get what I wanted.
Today while I sat with three girls at a foyer, I heard their conversation. I was trying to concentrate in my book but these girls talked so loudly that I could hardly get a word into my head.
I got to know that these girls are committee members from societies in the varsity and hold high positions. They are glamourous, beautiful, smart and active in their extra curricular activities. They even planned to go to Japan for the coming holiday!
I bit my lips listening to their conversation. I felt disappointment creeping through me. I didn't join any extra curricular activities during my varsity years. I didn't try to enjoy every moment as an undergraduate then. I was just rushing through time and wished I could finish as soon as possible. Nothing in the varsity that happened worth me remembering.
These girls had "great fathers". Their fathers are either politicians or businessmen. That's what makes them what they are. I don't blame my parents for what I am now. It's just that I was born a pessimistic and would not see things the bright side. I felt like I'm doomed to be called a LOSER! I don't dare to work for what I want. I don't dare to even ASK for what I want. It's all too late.
I missed my youth, my varsity, my first job, my dreams... If only I'm an optimistic, I would be somewhere else...SOMEONE else by now but I'm not.
I'm still here, slumped into my comfort zone, afraid to go get what I wanted.
Blessing in disguise
Last Friday while I was driving back from my varsity, I heard a very loud crashing sound. It scared me and I slowed from 60kmph to 30kmph. The car behind me sounded its honk but how could the driver be so inconsiderate. I won't be slowing down when I was well.
I was flabbergasted and did not know what to do except kept going. My windscreen had burst and pieces of it kept dropping onto my dashboard and onto my shirt and pants. At that very moment, my husband called me. As I pressed on my hands free kit, I kept mumbling and couldn't figure out how to say it. I was just too stunned. but when I managed to say it, I cried. My husband said calmly through the phone to ask me calm down and drive slowly.
When I reached home, my husband drove his car while I drove mine to the car workshop. All went well.
I felt blessed. I'm blessed because the pieces from the broken windscreen did not cut my eyes or hurt my vision or any part of my body.
I'm blessed.
I was flabbergasted and did not know what to do except kept going. My windscreen had burst and pieces of it kept dropping onto my dashboard and onto my shirt and pants. At that very moment, my husband called me. As I pressed on my hands free kit, I kept mumbling and couldn't figure out how to say it. I was just too stunned. but when I managed to say it, I cried. My husband said calmly through the phone to ask me calm down and drive slowly.
When I reached home, my husband drove his car while I drove mine to the car workshop. All went well.
I felt blessed. I'm blessed because the pieces from the broken windscreen did not cut my eyes or hurt my vision or any part of my body.
I'm blessed.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
What makes a good teacher?
I have gone through quite some stressful time with my lecturer due to my poor English. During the first review of my research proposal, she commented harshly on my proposal in front of my other coursemates. I was dumbfounded and deeply wounded. The only word I could recall was, "Grave". She kept mentioning my English was "grave", "so grave" and it seemed like there was a language barrier between herself and I. After that appointment, I went back and cried all out...All these while, I've been trying to improve my English by reading grammar books and novels. But it was just not enough. She said I've not been trying hard enough. What is "hard" then? Her level of commitment in academic would definitely be different from mine. She was not supposed to put the requirements of a PhD to the Masters students!
I was a primary school teacher for 2 years in 2005. And it never occur to me to call any of my students "stupid" or "you're so bad, bad in English." I knew how hurt it was. Whenever my students said they can't go further, I'll tell them to try harder. I'll guide them. I sacrificed my rest time during recess just to be with them and make them finish their homework or teach them reading. I felt contented when they could read and write. Aren't concern, love and patience the criteria to be a teacher?
I found that my lecturer only knew how to criticise and condemn and would never know how to encourage and love her students. If only she would tell me earlier that she could not stand my English, I would have gone for another lecturer, a lecturer who sees her students as the PEOPLE who have the same opportunity to express their feelings in English though they are not the native speakers!
I was a primary school teacher for 2 years in 2005. And it never occur to me to call any of my students "stupid" or "you're so bad, bad in English." I knew how hurt it was. Whenever my students said they can't go further, I'll tell them to try harder. I'll guide them. I sacrificed my rest time during recess just to be with them and make them finish their homework or teach them reading. I felt contented when they could read and write. Aren't concern, love and patience the criteria to be a teacher?
I found that my lecturer only knew how to criticise and condemn and would never know how to encourage and love her students. If only she would tell me earlier that she could not stand my English, I would have gone for another lecturer, a lecturer who sees her students as the PEOPLE who have the same opportunity to express their feelings in English though they are not the native speakers!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Baby Craze
I have been going through tormenting years, desperate to have a baby after my miscarriage in mid 2007. I kept indulging myself in self-pity and kept asking "WHY" I can't have a baby just like any others.
I saw a friend of my husband, M, recently with a little girl, aged three. I was sure enough that she adopted the girl as her daughter. My husband heard the lil girl called M "mommy". That didn't help my depression. In fact, I was even more depressed. I knew there are options around (invitro, chinese medication, acupuncture, adoptions) to have a child but I was too stressed to make any moves.
Recently, we went to visit our friends during the CNY and found that she was four months pregnant. She had the same problem as I, polycystic ovaries or something like that but she managed to conceive! She introduced me to her doctor.
Today, I walked in the clinic with my husband. I was filled with anxiety as I wanted to know what was wrong with me and prayed that the doctor has the wisdom and intelligence to give me the best prescription. But due to the popularity of the doctor, we sat there waiting hour after hour. By the third hour, my husband had lost his patience and talked to the nurse.
"How long more to wait? Each time when a new patient comes in, it's their turn first. Then, it'll take forever until we can get the opportunity to see the doctor," Husband said.
"It's because they've made appointment. There are 2 more patients before your wife's turn," the nurse replied.
I waited eagerly and soon it was my turn. The doctor asked many questions to understand my health history, including those of my family members. He told me that he's no magician but he'll try his best to prescribe the right medication to help me conceive. I was elated. Nothing in the world could replace the heart that leaps at the sight of one's own flesh and blood!
All this while, I've been going through roller coaster, my emotion was unstable and I cried at nights while praying, asking God to provide me children. It was so depressing.
I'm happy today. I should be. I saw hope with this new doctor. I've tried countless doctors to cure my irregular menstrual as well as my liver problem. After all these trials and errors, I felt I'm just like one of the doctors guinea pigs!
In this happy moment, my husband threw tantrum and temper at me. I knew he didn't have his lunch. We were late for lunch. It's way past lunch time but didn't he feel the same like I do? Didn't he understand how much I wanted a baby and that I'm seeing hope? No. He didn't. The hope to have a baby is what I had in mind which he didn't have. It's something to do with me and not him. I was thinking, he might be asking himself, "What have I got to do with whether you have a baby or not?"
I saw a friend of my husband, M, recently with a little girl, aged three. I was sure enough that she adopted the girl as her daughter. My husband heard the lil girl called M "mommy". That didn't help my depression. In fact, I was even more depressed. I knew there are options around (invitro, chinese medication, acupuncture, adoptions) to have a child but I was too stressed to make any moves.
Recently, we went to visit our friends during the CNY and found that she was four months pregnant. She had the same problem as I, polycystic ovaries or something like that but she managed to conceive! She introduced me to her doctor.
Today, I walked in the clinic with my husband. I was filled with anxiety as I wanted to know what was wrong with me and prayed that the doctor has the wisdom and intelligence to give me the best prescription. But due to the popularity of the doctor, we sat there waiting hour after hour. By the third hour, my husband had lost his patience and talked to the nurse.
"How long more to wait? Each time when a new patient comes in, it's their turn first. Then, it'll take forever until we can get the opportunity to see the doctor," Husband said.
"It's because they've made appointment. There are 2 more patients before your wife's turn," the nurse replied.
I waited eagerly and soon it was my turn. The doctor asked many questions to understand my health history, including those of my family members. He told me that he's no magician but he'll try his best to prescribe the right medication to help me conceive. I was elated. Nothing in the world could replace the heart that leaps at the sight of one's own flesh and blood!
All this while, I've been going through roller coaster, my emotion was unstable and I cried at nights while praying, asking God to provide me children. It was so depressing.
I'm happy today. I should be. I saw hope with this new doctor. I've tried countless doctors to cure my irregular menstrual as well as my liver problem. After all these trials and errors, I felt I'm just like one of the doctors guinea pigs!
In this happy moment, my husband threw tantrum and temper at me. I knew he didn't have his lunch. We were late for lunch. It's way past lunch time but didn't he feel the same like I do? Didn't he understand how much I wanted a baby and that I'm seeing hope? No. He didn't. The hope to have a baby is what I had in mind which he didn't have. It's something to do with me and not him. I was thinking, he might be asking himself, "What have I got to do with whether you have a baby or not?"
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